This is your only spoiler alert. I’m giving away the movie. Don’t read beyond this sentence unless you want your disappointment in this movie to be a surprise.
Not as bad as Quantum of Solace by a frog’s nose. But I hated Quantum of Solace as much as Obama hates gainfully employed Americans.
It had all of the elements you’d expect. Explosions, car chases, hot chicks, bad guys, etc. but there just wasn’t that much caring as to why. Couple this with completely over the top action sequences with no consequence to your characters at all for being involved in them.
Monica Belluci was essentially a throw away character for Craig to play a latter day John Kerry by trolling her at her husband’s funeral before screwing his way to the Heinz family fortune, excuse me, the clue to finding the infamous criminal organization known as SPECTRE. After the screw, she’s never seen again and that’s the first 20 minutes of the movie. Thus neutralizing her criminal enterprise known as GILF.
After scaring up a clue from Belluci by wiggling her out of her control top pantyhose, Bond finds the daughter of a recently deceased Mr. White who is able to relate the clue is a place and not a person. Without so much as booking a flight on Travelocity, they are at the hotel within a day and in the exact room where White’s daughter said they always stayed.
Bond tears the room apart and finds nothing. After sleeping into the night, he’s awoken by a mouse who runs into a crack in the wall. By Tom and Jerry, he’s found it! And immediately tears down a wall to find a hidden room with shit tons of goodies in it that leads him to all the bad guys right before their annual convention.
Bond then infiltrates the hall where all of the bad guys are talking about their business like most criminals do – by referring to everything they are doing as illegal (i.e., Our counterfeit drug ring is doing quite well!, We’ve successfully shutdown the Keystone Pipeline, We’ve forced a number of Arizona gun shops to sell automatic weapons to Mexican drug cartels, and we’ve negotiated given Iran a nuclear weapon, etc.).
But! The head guy knows James Bond is in the hall yet no one thinks to put a boot on his fucking car or have anyone stop him before he can get back to it. SPECTRE is creating a monolithic security apparatus that can track everyone’s phone calls like Batman had in The Dark Knight but can’t secure their own parking lot with the security you could find out a Wal-Mart or CVS ten years ago.
In a train car scene, Bond is attacked by the new “Jaws”-like character. There’s punching, attempted stabbings, thrown through walls, face punches, grappling, about knocked unconscious, and all the other rote rigmarole but after the bad guy is fended off – with the help of his new love interest who also takes a backhand to the face that knocks her out – by the next scene neither one of them has a scratch, a bruise, a scar. A nothing.
Bond puts his hand on her’s as they ride to some obscure locale and they both looked like they escaped from a hand modeling commercial.
At least in Casino Royale he had to wash his bloody face off and down four fingers of scotch in the sink before changing his shirt. MI6 must have some kind of extra strength Neosporin but I digress.
Likewise, in a later scene where he is confronted by the reincarnation of Ernst Blofeld from “You Only Live Twice”, Bond has a drill bit put through his jaw and into the tooth/gums of his mouth – along with another into his FUCKING BRAIN – and there is not a drop of blood, a decrease in mental faculties, or pause to maybe get this shit checked out by a doctor.
When the lights dim and everyone turns their cellphones off, I can suspend reality for only so long. Taking drillbits into the brain without much problem is one of them. Those kinds of things can kill zombies but not even slow down this James Bond whose lurching from scene to scene only served to terrorize credulity.
Of course, you’ll be served by the usual “one shot, one kills” in this genre but we are to believe that SPECTRE is the most bad-ass, thought of everything in advance kind of criminal conspiracy that can only hire thugs with the shooting accuracy of a cloned Star Wars stormtrooper. Unlike Craig who will down a moving helicopter, from a moving boat, from more than 100 yards away with nothing but a handgun.
What taut thriller is complete without an infamous ticking clock scene? Well, they’ve got that covered too. Will you save yourself or try to save the girl? Sam Smith already falsettoed to us in the intro song that he was going to “risk it all” so there you go. He was given three minutes this time around. More than enough time to run all around a building, make mean eyes at the retread villain in a helicopter across the way, and find his screaming love interest before asking her to trust him as they jump several stories into a waiting safety net inside of a building. Right place, right time – amirite? Find the screaming woman in what could have possible been a million square foot, 20+ floor building, when she has a gag in her mouth. He heard her scream over the helicopter.
Nothing in this mish-mash of jumbledy callbacks and hackery makes any sense.
After much grunting, I can only squeeze out a pitiful two out of a possible five shits for this piece of crap movie SEPTIC, excuse me, SPECTRE.
And it will probably make $100 million dollars this weekend assuming everyone isn’t rushing to see Bryan Cranston breaking Bolshevik in the communist whitewash Trumbo.