At this time in a presidential election cycle, if you consider yourself to be one of the highly coveted “undecided” voters, you are either lying or a blithering idiot.
Why do I make such a bold assertion? Simple. Anyone who has paid even nominal attention to contemporary world issues, current domestic events or politics should have taken sides by now. I have more respect for the socialist Michael Moore-loving democrat at this point in the campaign than the blessed undecided moderate. At least the Moore sycophant knows where he/she stands and pays attention to the issues – sure, they get it completely wrong, but at least they’re involved.
Whether you’re an anti-Capitalist Ruckus Society™ Marxist Nader voter, a neo-lib democrat, a dope-smoking Libertarian, a big-government Republican or a supporter of any of the other dozens of candidates, you should have paid attention and taken sides by now.
That’s why I’m launching the Six Meat Buffet Stop the Vote campaign!
Much like the left’s many get-out-the-vote efforts (i.e. Rock the Vote, Voters for Choice, blah blah blah), my newfangled KEEP HOME THE VOTE campaign will erase the gains made by these socialist groups and keep uninformed, worthless voters from screwing things up for the rest of us. Most thinking people will agree that it is far too easy to vote in this country – not just for illegal aliens and the deceased, but for the brain-dead government-cheese-eating daytime-soap-watching handout generation.
How does my campaign work? Thanks for asking – it’s a simple, three-pronged approach:
First – SWAY. This first step is only necessary if you have “undecided” friends who have the capacity for logic. Use the many resources provided by the Blogosphere to inform this person (or people) just what a horrible choice John Kerry is for America. Perhaps have them enjoy Kerry’s book The New Soldier or the Swift Vets’ book Unfit for Command. You have many options that will sway the logical thinker away from the Vietcong candidate. If all else fails, remind them how Kerry will protect us after the next 9/11 happens here on U.S. soil.
Next – MISINFORM. If you’ve determined that this undecided voter is incapable of logic – this will be the case with most of these cretins – then, move to step two, misinformation. (And don’t feel bad about doing this part – Rather, Brokaw, Jennings, Couric, et al, do this to them on a daily basis and they really seem to like it.) Some examples:
If you know this voter is leaning towards Dim-O-Crack candidates AND you live in a swing state, tell them that their vote will be unnecessary because you read in a MacPhereson/Smith poll that the state was no longer in play due to Kerry’s 18 point lead. If they ask who MacPhereson/Smith is, just tell them that they’ve had a 90% effectiveness ratio in the past twelve elections, so you should listen to them.
Another example – ask your leftist-leaning friend if they’ve registered to vote yet. If they say no, tell them that there was a new law passed this year that allows voters to register at the polls on the same day they vote – and you don’t even need I.D. Feel free to add your own misinformation as necessary.
Lastly, DISTRACT. If you haven’t succeeded with your undecided friends in steps one or two, take care of your own voting early (via early voting or absentee ballot) and plan a party/getaway for yourself and some select friends out of state – perhaps even Vegas! Tell them that you got a really good deal on airfare and that’s why you have to take the trip on a Monday – Wednesday instead of a weekend. In addition to being stupid, undecided left-leaning voters are also notoriously cheap. Sure, you’ll spend a couple grand to throw this shin-dig, but you’ll be securing the future for the rest of us. If your budget is tight, then just plan a low-cost fishing or skiing trip. Be creative.
Bloggers, we need you and your sphere on influence to spread the word about the STOP THE VOTE™ campaign. To join up, simply trackback or send an e-mail to sixmeat-at-gmail-dot-com letting me know that you want to join the campaign and I’ll list and link to you here. Feel free to transport the official STOP THE VOTE logo to your own site and link back if you feel so inclined.
I know that if we get enough people involved, we can keep idiots out of the voting booth this November. We may only stop a few hundred nitwits from voting, but remember that Bush only won Florida by 537 votes in 2000 – every stopped vote counts.
Other bloggers joining the Stop the Vote™ Campaign:
Right on Red – young people should get INactive, not PROactive
Beautiful Atrocities – endorses the idea, worried that the VRWC cyberfix may not be ready for the election
Lisa @ Just a Girl – supports the idea, but fears that most politicians would fail any rudimentary voter-qualification exam
My Pet Jawa – Rusty takes a break from grading papers to support the cause
Knowledge is Power – Sondra pitches in with some of her own suggestions for Sway, Misinform, Distract
Dummocrats.Com – Stop the Vote makes Dummocrats’ daily page
The Tiger in Winter – Not exactly a ringing endorsement from Ben, but I made him laugh
Jaf Project – JAF takes a look at Morpho the Magnificent
Packer Fan – K wants in on the fun
KDEWEB – joins the crusade
The wily Canuck – supports the cause
Linda Land gives the Stop the Vote campaign the Goddess Seal of Approval