Month: February 2005

Bad, naughty Koko!

A third woman has sued the Gorilla Foundation (an organization founded for the study and preservation of gorillas) for sexual harassment. Why the lawsuits? Koko, the legendary sign-language using gorilla, wanted to see her knockers.

WOODSIDE, Calif. – A third woman has filed a lawsuit claiming a caretaker for Koko, the world-famous sign-language-speaking gorilla, pressured her to expose her breasts as a way to bond with the animal.

Iris Rivera, 39, sued the Gorilla Foundation this week in San Mateo County Superior Court, saying the foundation’s president, Francine Patterson, repeatedly told her to expose her breasts.

Rivera, an administrative assistant at the foundation until she quit last month, claims Patterson told her last year that Koko was signing that “she wants to see your nipples.”

Columnist Dan Judge penned a great column dealing with Koko’s inappropriate behavior in Sunday’s Times-Herald (Vallejo, CA).

Bi-curious Koko – Two caretakers for Koko, the world-famous sign-language speaking female gorilla, have filed a lawsuit claiming they were fired because they would not expose their breasts as a way of bonding with the simian celebrity.

The two women claim Koko’s longtime trainer Francine “Penny” Patterson insisted they indulge Koko’s “nipple fetish” or lose their jobs at the Gorilla Foundation in the South San Francisco Bay Area.

The lawsuit claims that on one occasion Patterson said, “Koko, you see my nipples all the time. You are probably bored with my nipples. You need to see new nipples.”

Wow. I feel dirty. And exactly how does a gorilla say “I am bored with your nipples” in sign language anyway?

Nevertheless, these two women should probably be thanking their lucky stars. If a 300-pound primate is going to have a cross-species sexual fetish, just be grateful it doesn’t involve a good, hard spanking.

I have to point out that, if Koko had been flashing west-coast gang signs instead of requesting some rack, these same complaintants would no doubt be touting Koko’s ability to celebrate diversity.


Chris Rock lets Hollywood’s guard down

I had promised myself that I wouldn’t do any type of Oscar-blogging whatsoever, but I just heard this quote from Chris Rock’s BET-style comedy jam last night and had to share it.

“Bush did some things you could never get away with at your job, man. … Just imagine you worked at the Gap. You’re $70 trillion behind on your register and then you start a war with Banana Republic ’cause you say they got toxic tank tops over there. You have the war, people are dying, a thousand Gap employees are dead, bleeding all over the khakis, you finally take over Banana Republic, and you find out they never made tank tops in the first place.”

There’s no doubt that this was yet another shot at our troops from the big-hearted patriots in the entertainment industry. We have men and women right now fighting a global war against radical islam and Rock is stupid enough to drop the facade and let us all know how Hollywood really feels about the troops’ sacrifices.

Always keep in mind, when leftists say they “support the troops but not the war,” you can rest assured that, when in like-minded company, they’re celebrating our losses. Thank God they’re in the vast minority.


Protein Wisdom has more. And it’s much funnier.

Sunday Night Poll

Yep, it’s back. Eric at Vince Aut Morire is the only one who has given me a bunch of crap for promising a Sunday Night Poll every week and then failing to deliver. That makes him both my conscience and a rat bastard.

Since it’s Oscar night, and I couldn’t give two shits about who wins what, let’s find out which awards show nauseates you the most. I hate them all, but I probably hate the grammies the most because of the evil nature of the industry and the atrocious quality of the so-called music infecting mainstream radio these days. But don’t let me sway your vote.


Palestinian arrests follow Tel Aviv bombing

Islamic Jihad, one of the many interchangeable islamic terrorist groups in the middle east has claimed responsibility for Friday night’s Tel Aviv bombing, which killed four and injured more than fifty.

Shortly after the attack, new Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas sent his special police out to find those responsible, resulting in three arrests.

Israel and the United States said the bombing, the first suicide attack in the Jewish state since November, showed Abbas had to act more forcefully to salvage peace efforts. But Israeli officials said the Jewish state would show restraint for now.

“We will not allow anyone to sabotage the goals and ambitions of our people … We will bring them to justice,” Abbas, elected last month, told reporters.

Palestinian officials said three suspected Palestinian militants were arrested in the bomber’s village, Deir al-Ghoson, near Tulkarm. Israeli troops arrested five others there, including two brothers of the bomber, during a raid.

A senior Palestinian security official said inquiries indicated the hand of the Hizbollah guerrilla group, which denied any role and called the accusations a provocation by “the Zionist entity” (Israel).

Some of the crucial tools that the Palestinian police force used to make these groundbreaking arrests include these plastic handcuffs , this police badge , and this special plastic police helmet .

These novelty items are a clear demonstration that Abbas is serious about cracking down on Palestinian-based homicide bombers and their co-conspirators.

New Missile Shield Solution

Those filthy Canucks north of the border have come out and said that they want no part of the U.S. missile defense program.

TORONTO (AP) – Prime Minister Paul Martin said Thursday that Canada would not join the contentious U.S. missile defense program, a decision that will further strain brittle relations between the neighbors but please Canadians who fear it could lead to an international arms race.

Gasp! An international arms race!?!? Egad! Been there, won that.

I have a solution for those faux-Frenchies in Moosehead land – and an improvement to our country’s own strategic defense shield. It’s called the Super Missile Misdirection Magnet.

I haven’t completed the scientific, or effectiveness, portion of the system’s development, but I have completed the initial design. This supermagnet will simply re-direct all incoming missiles towards Canadian territories. As pictured in this helpful diagram:

I’ve already submitted the system to my high-level government contacts, so stand by for news in the mainstream press about this new groundbreaking system. For the time being, we’ll just keep it between you and me.

Hunter S. Thompson: Selfish dead asshole

Oh, wait. I’m supposed to fawn over what a groundbreaking “gonzo” journalist he was, right? Gosh, I sure hope I don’t offend anyone by making the statement: Hunter S. Thompson: Selfish dead asshole.

Why am I taking a shot at his soon-to-be-decaying corpse? New information emerged today regarding the details surrounding his suicide.

MAVERICK writer Hunter S Thompson shot himself in the head while he chatted to his wife on the phone, she revealed today.

“I was on the phone with him, he set the receiver down and he did it. I heard the clicking of the gun,” Anita Thompson.

But during the conversation he set down the receiver and shot himself.

Mrs Thompson said she heard a loud, muffled noise, but did not know what had happened.

“I was waiting for him to get back on the phone,” she added.

So, right there, blowing your brains out while your wife waits for you on the phone: assholish behavior. But he didn’t stop there. His son, daughter-in-law and 6-year-old grandson were also in the house when he shot himself.

So heap all the literary and artistic praise on him you want to, he’s still just a selfish dead asshole. Do I have to turn in my Knox County Public Library card now?


Small Mike has taken down his ForsaketheTroops.Info website. (Thanks for the tip, Linda!)

When you go to the site now, you see this:

Mike then claims that the site was owned by a fictional couple – Scott and Laurie Vogel. Pish posh.

We don’t normally air business matters with clients in the public, as we believe in respecting clients’ privacy, however, Forsake The Troops, led by Scott Vogel and Laurie Vogel, chose to bring their business out in the public by way of threats and obscenities towards us. We find it tasteless that they felt that the fact the owner of SMIS has a biracial child is something to be used against him.

We apologize to the many people who were offended, and thank those who wrote in to complain, giving us the documentation to show that the Internet community did not appreciate their presence.

Furthermore, Forsake The Troops has chosen to refuse to honor an outstanding bill for some services. The money isn’t of concern to us, though it costs money to run the servers, we have many customers who are good, decent people and pay their bills on time.

According to commenter Drew, the whole thing was a publicity stunt for his hosting company, which is apparently what he did with his last anti-military website CitizensAgainstTheTroops.Org. You would think that there are better ways to get name recognition than being a complete asshole.

At least one good thing came from this: if you have webhosting needs, you now know who NOT to use…. SMISHosting.Com.

UPDATE: Now Small Mike has dropped all pretense. is now Small Mike’s personal white-supremacist website. Go see for yourself – or better yet, don’t.

Thanks to commenter Marble for the tip.

ACLU attacks law enforcement, yet again

The ACLU and a host of other bedwetting leftists are attempting to stop the use of tasers by law enforcement agencies in the U.S.

A sample of activities from Austin (TX)-based pants-shitters the “Austin Spokescouncil”:

Since its inception a year ago, the Spokescouncil (or just “Spokes,” as members often refer to themselves) says the group has organized most of the public actions made to draw attention to the anti-Iraq-war movement, including pickets at various private contractors (CACI International and Computer Sciences Corporation among them), the “Day of Wailing” to mourn Iraqi casualties, a Bikes Against Bush rally, the Day of Resistance Against War and All Who Profit From It (last Sept. 11), and the J20 Anti-Inaugural March – where, they say, a protester was unnecessarily Tasered by police. “I feel like the mobilizations we’ve been doing are a bit more exciting than going to the Capitol and listening to some college professor drone on and on until you cry,” laughs Jerry Bellow, a veteran activist who has worked with the Anti-Racist Action group for the past 11 years. “Every action that we’ve done has had double the numbers – or more – of the previous one.”

What started as a call for an emergency spokescouncil by the ARA to organize in reaction to the U.S. soldiers’ abuse of prisoners at Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq has become a full-fledged matrix of organizing for Austin’s activist community. A recent Spokes meeting included representatives of Austin Against War, CodePink, the ARA, the ACLU, the Rhizome Collective, Resurgent Tide, Food Not Bombs, the fledgling UT anti-war group Campus Antiwar Movement to End the Occupation, and local high schools Garza and McCallum – quite a range in a community commonly considered to be somewhat scattered. “Up until this past year, I would go to a different meeting every night, just trying to keep all the groups connected,” recalls Russell, who represents CodePink and the ACLU at Spokes meetings.

For once I actually agree with the ACLU. Let’s do away with the tasers and simply allow the cops to use their firearms. They’re far more effective in stopping criminals anyway.

More on America’s Sweethearts

You may remember this mentally-ill duo from Berkeley who hung a soldier in effigy from the roof of their second home in Sacramento.

Digger has an excellent letter from one of their neighbors, who provides a lot more detail about what egg-sucking dogs these asshats really are. You should go read it now.

Related and quite funny: Curmudgeonly & Skeptical.

Also related: Riehl World View, Cranky Neocon.

Photo lifted from Riehl World View.

UPDATE: Riehl World View: Look Ma, I made an effigy!

White Trash Wood

This hand-crafted hunk of tree love was specially carved for Presidential election loser Al Gore. Rumor has it that his love for trees finally overwhelmed him to the point that he was driven to consummate his relationship with nature. This is how he did it.

Other lowlights from this week’s trailer park extravaganza:

The Worm Returns

Jacques “The Worm” Chirac shits in President Bush’s mouth and calls it a sundae.

Sadly, President Bush believes him.

IRAQ war wobbler Jacques Chirac scuttled George Bush’s fence-mending trip to Europe yesterday — by cranking up a row over the future of Nato.

He embraced a German-led plot to ditch the alliance as the backbone of transatlantic relations, in favour of the European Union.

He also snubbed President Bush by speaking French at a dinner, despite having fluent English.

Diplomats insisted Mr Bush had pulled off a coup by getting all 26 Nato members to contribute to a £2.5million programme to train and equip Iraq security staff. But the clash on Nato overshadowed everything.

France and Germany, led by Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder, want defence enshrined in the EU constitution.

It is a sad, sick shame that President Junior has traveled to France and sucked up to the corrupt, spineless, worthless garbage sack that is Jacques Chirac. Shameful.

Save Protein Wisdom

Save Protein Wisdom.

While ordinarily, I don’t care much for blegging, when it’s one of my favorite blogs, I’ll make an exception. I threw some $$ in his tip jar, so won’t you help Jeff recover from the tsunami of ill-health that has befallen his laptop?

I will say that I don’t know what the hell Jeff was thinking when he bought an HP laptop. HP has some of the worst hardware on the planet.

Don’t worry, he won’t take your money and run off to the bathhouses of Europe like Andrew Sullivan. At least, I don’t think he will.

Terri Schiavo blogging

You can get all your info at, My VRWC, Hyscience, Vince Aut Morire and several other blogs that are blogging for Terri. I haven’t been paying much attention to the story, though I know that this week is crucial as her estranged husband is trying to yank the feeding tube this week.

I remember hearing the Terri Schiavo story on Glenn Beck’s show more than a year ago and while I don’t pretend to know everything about the story, it’s certainly worth helping spread the word. So go visit one of the above blogs and tune in.

Bush Lied! Bacon Fried!

via Digger’s Realm

You may have read the story of the soldier hung in effigy on the side of a home in Sacramento, CA. Several weeks ago, Steve and Virginia Pearcy, a pants-shitting socialist couple decided that they would exercise their freedom of speech by hanging a soldier from the side of their house in support for Saddam’s Iraqi regime. I’m sure it was meant to be a message of peace and tolerance – so often the faux message of the left – but naturally, it got some folks riled up.

Digger has done some more “digging” and has learned that the couple actually lives in Berkeley (big surprise) and the house in Sacramento is actually their second home. As big-hearted liberals, I’m sure they let the homeless use their second home as a crack house when they’re busy at the Berkeley bathhouses.

Here is a photo of the filthy capitalist couple’s Porsche:

The peaceful message that they’ve displayed on their car’s back window is as follows: FUCK BUSH, FUCK THE POLICE, FUCK THE U.S. GOVERNMENT, FUCK ISRAEL, FUCK SUVS, BURN AMERICAN FLAGS.

They’re just good Americans exercising Freedom of Speech, right? Hopefully, as one of Digger’s commenters mentioned, the people they do business with and represent via their law firms will exercise their own freedom of expression and ostracize the peace-loving couple. Sadly, I doubt that will happen in a cesspool like Berkeley.


Digger has more photos and info here.

This should be fun

(via Drudge)

Hollywood elites prepare to receive annoying phone calls from red-state backwoods fly-over country hayseeds.

Private telephone numbers of celebrities have been unleashed on the Internet after an apparent hacking into Paris Hilton’s T-MOBILE SIDEKICK Address Book, the DRUDGE REPORT has learned.

The FBI has opened an investigation into the hack, a government source said.

Sounds like a national security issue to me.

One top star reached Sunday morning expressed total outrage at Paris.

“I gave her my number after we met in Miami, I did not know she f**king kept it on her cellphone!” the star explained.

Also splashed in the hack, Paris Hilton’s private notes, listed by date.

From Hollywood to Vegas to New York — and back, Paris Hilton’s notes, road directions, hotel and airline preferences are exposed.

Alert Homeland Security! Paris Hilton’s safety is at stake! Ay caramba! We can’t afford to lose such a rare talent – what that talent is, besides fellatio, I’m still not quite sure.

If I didn’t feel sick as a dog, I’d take the “Paris Hilton Hacked Mobile Phone Notes” theme and run with it, but I feel like shit. I’m sure some other enterprising blogger will see the opportunity and take advantage.

Freedom of speech isn’t free

You’d think that “Silent Mike” would have already learned that.

Lord Spatula at Spatula City did some digging and discovered that this guy is the lamebrain behind More info on that here. Silent Mike’s “official” personal website is here. So don’t be fooled by any unofficial Silent Mike websites. Accept no imitations.

DrewB did some digging of his own and discovered that Silent Mike was also behind another garbagedump of a website called CitizensAgainstTheTroops.Org. This previous site was shut down and an apology offered. DrewB has a copy of that apology, which obviously now rings as hollow as Helen Thomas’ skull.

So here we have an asshat who has spent a good deal of effort deriding our troops – which is particularly odious since so many of our fighting men and women are currently dodging bullets in Iraq and Afghanistan, fighting a war on terror to protect shitnecks like Silent Mike.

More has come to light about Silent Mike – he found a soldier’s digital camera at a Philadelphia Eagles football game and offered to return it to the soldier for $1,000. The story is here at WIXT via Spatula City.

And if all of this wasn’t enough, DrewB dug up some posts – apparently written by Silent Mike – that suggest that he may even be a white-supremacist KKK-type. A sample:

I am looking for like-minded White Nationalists to talk to, for friendship and activism in the Central New York State area, specifically the Syracuse area.

I am interested in making friends, and forming alliances to help defend and preserve the White way of life in Syracuse.

IM or e-mail me. My e-mail address is My AIM screen name is Silent14Mike88.

There’s more where that came from.

Silent Mike has shown up in comment threads here and here blathering on about freedom of speech. Well, Mike, here’s the problem with “freedom of speech” – sometimes it has consequences.

When some needledick strolls into the town square and burns an American flag (which I’m sure you’ve probably done a time or two yourself), he is exercising freedom of speech. When an onlooker takes an aluminum baseball bat and crams it elbow deep into that person’s colon, that is a consequence of exercising freedom of speech. Sure, it’s assault and battery and will probably result in jail time, but it is still a real possibility following such an expression of freedom of speech.

Similarly, when you post a website that mocks one of our brave – yes, brave – men or women crippled in combat, you should expect some kind of backlash. I fully realize that your intent was probably to piss people off, and you’ve certainly succeeded.

So feel free to exercise your freedom of speech via recycled anti-military websites. Just know that your 15 minutes are probably about up and I hope, for your sake, that the consequences won’t be more than you bargained for. And good luck with that whole Aryan supremacy thing. It will be interesting to see if the pants-shitting left will show up to support both of your pet causes.