Michael Jackson’s Strength

Just in case you’ve been waiting on Michael to put down his copy of “Barely Legal” long enough to play the race card, you’ve finally got your wish. The King of Pop came out yesterday and let the world know that (1) he is innocent and that (2) he is being persecuted because of his race.

“Please be patient and be with me and believe in me, because I am completely, completely innocent,” Jackson told fans during a radio interview with famed civil rights campaigner the Reverend Jesse Jackson.

“But please know a lot of conspiracy is going on as we speak.”

“Mandela’s story has given me a lot of strength, what he has gone through.

“I know in my heart and in my experiences in life that I am totally innocent.

“It’s very painful, but this has kind of been a pattern among black luminaries in this country.”

The star said he also drew strength from the life stories of other great black Americans including boxers Jack Johnson and Muhammad Ali and the Reverend Jackson.

For now, let’s just ignore the fact that Michael is bleached WHITE, and therefore a WHITE LUMINARY, if a dancing, shrieking pop singer can be called a “luminary,” which is a stretch at best.

While the article goes on to defend Michael, the journalist left out some of the other people from whom Michael said he draws strength during this difficult time. These people, Michael said, were also persecuted simply because of the color of their skin. Luckily we were able to get an exclusive transcript and bring them to you:

Bentley from The Jeffersons. Not only was he reviled due to his lily-white skin, but he was also a limey.

The Incredible Hulk. Not only was he an offensive shade of green, he caused a great deal of property damage, most of which was never paid for.

Tootie from The Facts of Life. Rollerskates, great rack, brown skin. The other girls hated her for all three — especially Blair.

Dr. Julius Hibbert. Springfield’s only black man in a town full of yellow-skinned people only gained their respect after he became a doctor.

The Ugly Duckling. Abandoned by his mother, and kicked out of the klan by his white-feathered brother and sister swans, The Ugly Duckling was persecuted beyond imagination. But just like Michael Jackson, he eventually grew into a beautiful white bird, the envy of all the other swans in the lake.

Arnold from Happy Days. It was hard for Arnold to gain acceptance from the kids at first – especially the Fonz, who had a visceral hatred for all the “yellow people” as he called them on several episodes. Arnold was able to eventually earn their trust through the occasional free milk shake and free opium. Sadly, Arnold had to be led off to internment camp and was replaced by big fat Al, who gained acceptance from no one – even fellow Italian Chachi Arcola, who shamed his race by taking up with midwestern strumpet Joanie Cunningham.

8 comments

  1. Tootie? Damn, you hold a grudge, my man…she totally redeemed herself by playing one of the thorns in Queen Latifah’s back in the jammin’ Fox sitcom, ‘Living Single.’

    “Yo Kadijah! You are one butch woman!”

    Bygones.

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  4. Lisa Turtle on Saved by the Bell, Carlton Banks on Fresh Prince, Adam Sandler as Smitty on the Cosby Show…

    (Yep, I agree with canuck–hilarious post) 😆

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