In the wake of Katrina’s Darwin Effect and Saint Cindy’s Summer Camp, I’ve realized that it’s time that I got some answers from President Bush.
While I haven’t settled on a date yet, I will be traveling to Washington D.C. this fall to set up a camp – CAMP ACCOUNTABILITY – outside the White House and I will be DEMANDING a meeting with President Bush to address a long list of items for which he owes me ANSWERS – and he owes them to me NOW.
This is the initial list of items for which President Bush is either partially or completely responsible. The list will probably grow before I make the trip to D.C., but this will do for now. Please feel free to add your own items in the comments, if you would like some answers from President Bush!
- I waited for almost a full 10 minutes at the Wendy’s drive-thru for fries the other day. The hispanic woman at the window said that “they weren’t ready yet.” You can bet your ass that if I’d been an illegal immigrant, not only would they have given me the fries right away, but they would have also selected the most golden brown fries in the tray. What say you, President Chimp?
- Just this morning, as I was getting dressed for work – where I am under-employed due to the President’s reckless tax-cuts – I noticed that my burgundy loafers had developed holes in them. Why did you allow holes to develop in my shoes, President Shoeholemaker?
- Last week, as Hurricane Katrina – WHICH YOU CAUSED WITH YOUR DIABOLICAL WEATHERMAKER MACHINE – passed over the Southeastern U.S., I received a frantic call from my own mother. She said that the hurricane had blown leaves into the pool. There are many leaves in my mother’s pool!!! In between sobs, she said she couldn’t even count how many there were, there were so many. How many times do I have to say it, Mister President Too-Dumb-To-Be-President? Where was FEMA when my mother had a leaf emergency? Surely you didn’t expect her to get those out herself. HEARTLESS FEDERAL BASTARD.
- Maybe you didn’t get to see the game this past weekend, Mister So-Called-President, but Tennessee’s dismal offensive performance against UAB was unthinkably horrific. The Federal Government should have intervened as soon as Eric Ainge was named starter and demanded that Rick Clausen be given the starting job instead. It was that lack of Federal-level decision making that resulted in a near-catastrophic loss to the Blazers – who, for some reason, have a DRAGON on their helmets. A DRAGON! What the hell? Perhaps you didn’t care about our offense, Mister President-If-That-Is-Your-Real-Name-So-Called-President, because they wear a semi-gay shade of orange. HOMOPHOBE.
- Last but not least on my list as it stands now, my pet cat growing up was a silver tabby. His name was Frosty. He was always a trusted friend to me, until he got old and lost control of all his bodily functions. He eventually had to be put to sleep. I cried a little when that happened. But only a little, because I’m not a cat person. WHERE WERE YOU, MR. SELECTED-NOT-ELECTED? I won’t forget your carelessness when it’s time to vote again – I will make DAMN SURE you’re voted out in 2008. For me and for Frosty, the cat YOU killed.
I hope the rest of you who can spare the time and energy will join me at CAMP ACCOUNTABILITY just outside the WHITE House. (Typical that it’s called the WHITE House. They probably don’t even let people-of-color in there.) Stay tuned for updates as to the time and date of the protest.
- What about Jeff Gannon’s Gay Porn Cock of Lies??? Huh, Mister President Do-As-I-Say-Not-As-I-Do-Especially-When-It-Comes-To-Gay-Porn-Star-Journalists? Huh?
I finally see the attraction of acting like a Kossack or a DU’Her. This is fun! Added to the blame list:
- The extinction of the North American Unicorn.
- Mary Katharine Ham’s busted lip at the zoo, in or around 1986.
- Feisty’s current employment as prostitute.
- The Pirate’s 7-year itch.
- Pedro Vex’s disappearing socks.
- Rusty adds both 9/11 and poverty.
- Aaron has the inside scoop of how George Harrison has risen from the dead to provide Wolf Blitzer with a list of 46 other natural disasters that were caused by President Bush.
- Vinnie’s broken wireless adapter.
- Vanderbilt’s atrocious football team AND Jeff’s aluminum siding AND Jeff’s need for some hot illegal action.
- Canuck wants to know why the lights on Kingston Pike don’t flash yellow late at night. That’s a good question, Mister President-Wants-Red-Lights-So-We’ll-Have-To-Burn-More-Big-Oil-For-Your-Big-Oil-Company-Cronies-President, if that is your real name, Mister President.
- Raven wants answers for the early change of seasons. Apparently it’s happening to soon for her. Why are you allowing that to happen, Mr. Get-Winter-Here-Quick-So-We-Can-Burn-More-Natural-Gas-President!
- Vic spilled his morning coffee. Where was a FEMA strike team when he needed more? Probably in Iraq, Mr. Too-Many-Troops-Fighting-An-Illegal-War-And-Not-Enough-At-Home-President!
- Beulah Mae’s laundry list of incomprehensible items.
- Dane Bramage speaks of the horrors of Bush-Related Obesity combined with the unspeakable fashion horror of white after Labor Day. If there’s one group that President Bush cares about less than black people, it’s FAT people.
- Chris Fritz wants to know why the President won’t let any hurricanes run rampant in Arizona. Obviously the President is trying to keep Arizona dry so that there will be more forest fires this morning that he can fly in and put out, grabbing all the glory for himself. It’s so obvious.
- Kender wants to know why he has to walk from one end of the Houston airport to the other, while President Bush gets his own damn plane. Here’s a tip, Kender. Gain about 200 pounds and they’ll have to drive you around the airport in one of those little race cars for fat people while the rest of us have to jump out of the way.