A tense day on the hill as stealth gay activist Supreme Court nominee John Roberts was grilled by Senate Democrats on a wide range of subjects including the right-to-die, the commerce clause, gay marriage, eminent domain, Casablanca’s place in movie history and abortion. Roberts’ refusal to wildly speculate about how he would decide particular issues on the bench led to a blistering assault by Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) who referred to Roberts’ uncommunicative intransigence as “a cone of silence”?.
An artist’s rendering of the nebulous Cone of Silence
Not to be outdone, Senator Edward Kennedy (D-UI) did two lines of coke off the bare chest of a dead hooker under his podium before assailing Roberts on his lack of respect for women’s privacy rights. A puzzling volley ensued:
Kennedy: “Like say a woman who’s had a long day and a few drinks, just wants to kick off her shoes, splash on some Charlie and go out for an evening swim in her car…why should she have to worry that some rogue judiciary is going to take away her right to choose?”
A confused Roberts responded, “I’m not sure what you mean Senator. Could you please elabo-“?
Kennedy: “I killed the goddamn girl allright??? She was gonna go to the cops.”
Kennedy: “You think it’s fun to sit in judgment over people, huh? Well do ya college boy? Wellnow I’m gunna sit in jushzment over you. Howdoya like *hic* dem apples?”
Roberts: “I cannot speculate on those apples at this time. However, I am my own man and should I choose those apples they would be judged on their merits in accordance with whatever applicable penumbras emanated from stare decisis.”
Roberts then took advantage of a respite in questioning to launch into a soliloquy which Chairman Arlen Spektre (D-PA) would later call “profound”:
As a young man at Harvard, a lot of things came easy for me. The curious smiles of my sculling partners. Furtive glances in the locker room. The smell of a stranger in my bed. In some senses, many senses, I have lived a charmed life but I have not been sheltered.
One day in my junior year while taking a smoke break from studying Constitutional Law I felt intense cramping in my side. I tried to walk it off but the pain was like no other.
It was at that moment, I realized that I was the victim of a unwanted pregnancy. It is only now that I can admit that I had an abortion. I was young. I had my whole life ahead of me. I was not about to throw away grad school for a drunken night with the left wing from the lacrosse team. To Senator Feinstein and the other easy women of this country, let me say unequivocally that I would never take away your right to party the way the Founding Fathers intended.
Senator Joseph Biden rose silently and began to clap before his fellow committee members joined him in thunderous applause.
A tearful Schumer congratulated Roberts, “John, I know we’ve been hard-on you but it was for your own good. Now that the cone of silence has been lifted, I can easily see you on the Supreme Court of the United States. Your courage is surpassed only by that of the Iraqi freedom fighter. My only regret is that I wasn’t the father of your abortion. Maybe some other time.”