The Twelve Days of Christmas – DAY NINE

We’ve had a lot of fun with our imaginary liberal friends this week. Their knack for vehicular homicide. Their predictably petulant racebaiting, impish inclinations towards infanticide and condescending concerns that feel about as real as the hair on our own personal latexed legislator. Unless we’re talking about terrorists, then the concern is genuine.

Our next offering isn’t exactly a “new” spin on an old classic. In fact, it’s been around for over a year but we haven’t been at liberty to discuss after being warned by The White House. As of press time, our high-ranking Homeland Security liasion, Special Agent Potsie, has advised us to continue “sitting on it”.

Nay. *You* sit on it Potsie. If the New York Times can’t print sedition then the terrorists have already won or something.

And while we have the utmost confidence in our readers to pick up the rules, it’s a game the National Security Agency will tragically never figure out how to play.

On the Ninth Day of Christmas my true love gave to me – 9 blabbers blabbing

Harry Reid’s Don’t Spill The Beans

The only thing more fun than keeping a secret – is telling one! From the makers of last year’s smash-hit Sandy Bergler’s “Ants in Your Pants”, comes an unnerving game of international intrigue that will keep the Special Prosecutors guessing well into the next election year.

Because you’re sooo important, you get to play a high ranking Senate Intelligence Committee member charged with scoring some quick points on the opposing team. Your goal? Drop enough “beans” to your favorite reporters about a nefarious plot to NOT extend Constitutionally protected liberties to foreign nationals while investigating future terror plots against the US. But don’t drop too many “beans” at once or WHOOPS! – all of the terrorists get away and you get sent to a federal “pound you in the ass” prison.

Will you leak it to The New York Times? The LA Times? Or just plain old Time?

Sssshhh! Don’t tell us. We broke Potsie’s trust. Keep it to yourself! Spill too many of those beans and the next thing you’ll be leaking will be your cherry on a rubber matress and getting smacked up for your commissary in between The View and Montel.

After all, this game is about you. Not us. You. It’s all about you. Forget about “us”. For all intents and purposes screw “us”. It’s all about you.

Just so we’re clear on that.

If anybody thinks you’re the bean spiller – just tell ’em:

a) I’ve never heard of such a thing.

b) Call for hearings to investigate what you’ve known about all along and swore to protect!

c) I demand a swift censure before even knowing if a law has been violated.

d) Get your nancyboys at The New Republic to histrionically sob into their apple martinis.

The law can say “no, no, no” but your mouth can say “yes, yes, yes” as you jeopardize dozens of ongoing investigations while feigning high dudgeon. Let your imagination be as limitless as your hypocrisy.

Politics may stop at the water’s edge but the bodies can keep washing up on shore for hours when you play Harry Reid’s Don’t Spill the Beans!

From Matell
(Conscience sold separately)



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