Hi. I’m Jimmy Carter. You may remember me from such events as my failed presidency and the original Iranian hostage crisis. You remember that retro hostage crisis – it’s so freakin’ retro, it should be on vinyl. Now a-days you can’t walk down the muslim street without tripping over a western hostage. Or at least their dismembered body. But it’s not the muslims’ fault – you’d do the same thing if you were living in the 7th century. That’s why we need your help. Give to the good people of Palestine. Give to Habitat for InHumanity.
At Habitat for InHumanity, we recognize that many governments will no longer shovel funds to the P.A. now that admitted terrorists are in power. Gone are the good old days of a gay pedophile leading the Palestinian people and stealing their money to enrich his own bank accounts. Governments couldn’t wait to write checks to the old P.A., but now it looks like the well off financial goodwill may sadly be drying up. Sure, you can say Palestine is not a real country, but you’d just be another lying Zionist dog who should taste his own blood.
I am proud of the Palestinian people for participating in a fair election, which, unlike elections in Iraq and the United States, was free from any election fraud or other voting-machine-related cheating.
Also, unlike elections in the United States, this election was free from race-based voter intimidation. We could learn a lot from these good people. Say what you will about Hamas, but at least Hamas is not corrupt. At least the government of Hamas has not exchanged “special” handshakes with Jack Abramoff.
This is why I ask you, the American people, to pick up and do the important work that our government will not. Give to Habitat for InHumanity. The good people of Hamas need your help to build new homes, as many of their old homes were bulldozed by the evil Zionists. The good people of Hamas need your help to buy nails, bolts, screws and other assorted metal bits for their improvised explosive devices.
If you can’t give money, at least send messages of hope. Have your kids make “peace cards” for the future suicide bombers of Hamas. Your child’s message could be that last bit of inspiration that a young suicide bomber needs to complete his mission. Perhaps you could make a “peace quilt” and send it to Hamas. Everyone likes quilts. Even murderers like quilts.
The democratic republic of Hamas needs your help now more than ever. Um… did I say Hamas? I meant Palestine.
Did you know that “the Palestinian Authority now has 60,000 members of its security force. Only ten per cent of them have been permitted to have weapons, side arms?”
In addition, “they have not been accused – even by the Israelis – of promoting any sort of violent actions. They have not been accused of being corrupt. And I think it was that record that they had established in their own administration of local governments that was one of the major factors in their success on the 25th.”
Hamas has no history of violence, and I believe this election proves that.
Just remember, your spare change could buy a Palestinian an AK-47. Please give. Give ’til it hurts. Literally.