Month: March 2006

Welcome Back

I’m welcoming myself back because none of you bastards are gonna do it. In fact, none of you even missed me, so you can cram it straight up your hindquarters.

I’ve been out all week on business and completely out of the loop, but I’m back and pissed off about a variety of things, which I will share with you over the coming days.

In the meantime, I haven’t forgotten about the Basketball Challenge, which is currently led by Sweet Pickness. The contest is now between Pickness, Pennsylvanian in Exile and Tennessee Talk. I dropped out with my pathetic regional finalists last weekend – I had all four of my final four teams ready to move on and not a damn one of them won. Bastards.


After last night’s games, it’s down to two. If UCLA wins, Phil from Tennessee Talk takes the prize. If Florida wins, Sweet Pickness takes home the bragging rights. The rest of us suck (myself included).

Why I’m Glad I Live In The Suburbs – Part XXIV

From the AP:

[Philadelphia’s] hoped-for bragging rights as home of America’s tallest environmentally friendly building could go down the toilet.

In a city where organized labor is a force to be reckoned with, the plumbers union has been raising a stink about a developer’s plans to install 116 waterless, no-flush urinals in what will be Philadelphia’s biggest skyscraper.

Let’s be clear here. We’re talking about builders who want to install waterless urinals and having a group of plumbers saying, “no you can’t. You must flush lest it hurt our jobs.”

The city’s licensing department, whose approval is needed for waterless urinals, has not yet rendered a decision.

<cough, cough> bribe <cough, cough>

We’re WAY beyond protecting the American worker here. I understand the need for unions and to some extent support them. But what’s this?

Just look at my proud adopted city’s track record:

For years, convention groups were canceling bookings at the Pennsylvania Convention Center because of difficulties working with six unions. New rules were established in 2003 to allow convention groups to deal instead with a middleman, a labor supplier. A few months later, the electricians union temporarily shut off power and picketed the center in a dispute with the supplier.

In 2004, the MTV reality show “The Real World” briefly pulled up stakes after union workers, in a dispute over hiring practices, picketed the house the cast was to live in. The show’s producers and labor leaders eventually negotiated a deal to bring the show back.

There you have it. Everything that’s wrong with Philly. Entrenched power brokers who are so corrupt and self-interested that they don’t care about abstract concepts such as “the greater good”, “civil service” and “running a city”. (see also San Francisco).

Drop That Hero and Get With DeNiro

As expected, the woman who slayed her minister husband is planning to take the Andrea Yates Defense for a test drive around the Courthouse. But what drove her over the edge? Also as expected, the gynocentric stars should be aligning in her defense to rage, rage against the oppressive Patriarchy that forced her to ice her old man/father of their children.

Did the sluggish acceleration of a preacher’s Kia Sedona lifestyle stall on the on-ramp to excitement? What makes a broad want to stop serving her husband a hot meal and instead serve up some hot lead to a man obviously misguided enough to put up with her nutty ass???

The good folks at Smith-Kline and Wesson don’t know for sure but that’s never stopped them from offering a .45 calibre cure before! Help us help you keep your pretty princess from becoming a pistol-packing Pamprinista:

Don’t fret sister….it’s time Us and your Vagina had a Dialogue
* Oprah got you down?
* Chopping your hair off not liberating Enough?
* Life as a minister’s wife not as exciting as advertised?

If that shrill little voice in your laundry basket has been encouraging you to

“Drop that Zero and Get With DeNiro”

Ask your doctor about Murderol(R):


Yes, Murderol(R) can put a leash on that wandering uterus of yours! Don’t worry your pretty little head over it, sugar. I mean, you’re just a girl. It’s not like you have any control over your emotions – WE’RE FOOLS FOR EXPECTING ANY BETTER!

Try Murderol(R) today so that a jury won’t be trying you for Murder tomorrow.

(h/t to mrs. smantix – Murderol(R) enthusiast since,2003…2…no! Arrrrrgh….)

Green Party Shamelessly Exploits Moron

Not content to fail on their merits, The Delaware Green Party has hit a new low in drafting admitted anti-war moonbat Michael Berg to run for office:

“Other than stopping this war, I have no political ambitions,” Berg said. “Let’s face it, I would not be running if my son had not died in Iraq. People would not have known my name, and the Green Party would not have asked me to run.”

And that just about says it all doesn’t it? Like Sheehag, Berg wants to blame Bush for his son deciding to take a job in a warzone for a little extra scratch. The Diseased Left, that’s already planning a mid-term campaign that consists of combing military hospitals for wounded vets to flash any lost limbs and guilt the public into voting for them, is intent on applying a new strategy known as The Max Cleland Offensive. Too bad it didn’t work for Cleland very long.

“I would rather run on my shoestring budget than on the silver slipper of the Democrats,” he said.

Prominent Democrats such as Sen. Hillary Clinton and Sen. John Kerry want to “escalate” the war in Iraq by sending in more troops, Berg argues.

When Hillary and Kerry are still too conservative, you may not have hit the bottom but you’ll be hitting it soon enough.

May the voters of Delaware hand him his own head at the ballot box.

Sharon Stone In The News

Boy, Sharon has been in news quite a bit lately and it’s hard to keep up with it all.

With her new movie coming out (about the life of Eleanor Roosevelt or something like that, I think), I did a quick scan of Yahoo News and found this:

A peaceful co-existence between the peoples of the Middle East is but a breath away … It feels to me that we have an opportunity … to choose understanding in a new way, if it saves from them the dangers of unprotected penetrative sex.

I tell them (what I believe): oral sex is a hundred times safer than vaginal or anal sex. And it really is just a breath. It’s just an agreement that’s just a breath. We are just that breath away from a peaceful co-existence.

If you’re in a situation where you cannot get out of sex, offer a blow job. I’m not embarrassed to tell them. This is a new and very exciting time for women, because women by their very nature are creative and not destructive. And this is an extraordinary and important thing that we can bring into a world that awaits the opportunity for peace.

I consider Sharon Stone to be one of the premier minds in popular culture right behind Dr. Phil. but I must admit, I was a little confused here.

UPDATE: Beautifully Atrocious Jeff sums it up beautfully in this powerful vignette.

R.I.P Lyn Nofziger

A great American and a brilliant strategist passed today. There will be little fanfare and fewer memorials but his impact was felt then, remains today and resonates in tomorrow.

Conservative columnist George F. Will once described the nonconformist, cigar-chomping Nofziger, as “Sancho Panza” to Reagan’s Don Quixote.
But the Nofziger wit and camaraderie did not disguise the fact that he was a bare-knuckled political partisan.

During his year in the Reagan White House, he saw one of his principal responsibilities as rooting Democrats out of the federal government and replacing them with Republican loyalists.

Earlier, he’d served on the Republican National Committee and as an aide to President Nixon. According to John Dean, Nofziger helped Nixon put together his infamous White House “enemies list.”
“Every time we appoint someone they don’t agree with to a job, they feel the victory trickling away.”

The Treacherous Three (left to right: Ed Rollins, Lee Atwater & Lyn Nofziger after the greatest electoral victory in US history)

“Lyn is a character straight out of Damon Runyon. He dresses like the newsman he once was—poorly. Buttoning a shirt at the neck is obviously against his religion. He convened a meeting once by tossing his sports jacket in the general direction of a chair. When it sailed past, Lyn left it crumpled on the floor for the next two hours. His humor is irrepressible,and his puns are the stuff of legend. He’s utterly irreverent and totally incorrigible,but his puckish wit and mild manner mask a steel-trap mind and first-rate political skills. Lyn makes the best friend in all the world–and absolutely the worst enemy.”

-Ed Rollins, “Bare Knuckles and Back Rooms”, 1996

If there’s a heaven, life in hell just got a little worse for the devil. He’s given the devils on earth enough hell for one lifetime.

AP Very Special Correspondent Demonstrates Maximum Cranial Density

AP “Special Correspondent” Charles J. Hanley is living proof that the anti-American-Associated Press has finally reached maximum cranial density. Well, in reality, we should refer to him as very special correspondent Charles Hanley.

Charlie’s exhaustive article on how transcripts from Saddam’s governmental meetings clearly demonstrate that Iraq’s WMD programs were ended after 1991 is a masterpiece of mental illness. Let’s start with this admission – one that would have probably served Charlie better had he left it out:

Saddam’s regime extensively videotaped and audiotaped meetings and other events, both public and confidential. The dozen transcribed discussions about weapons inspections largely dealt with Iraq’s diplomatic strategies for getting the Security Council to confirm it had disarmed.

Simply put, the article can be summarized thusly: Saddam and his henchmen made extensive videos of all their meetings – during which they discuss how they have no WMDs and how instead their days are spent frolicking and dancing through the governmental gardens playing grab ass with one another underneath their faux-military garb.

Because Charlie the very special correspondent believes that the information exchanged in these meetings must be true, then Bush = Hitler. Pretty standard AP fare, the enemy can only tell the truth while Dick Cheney’s neo-nazi government can only fabricate. Since the entire article is based on this false premise, we’ll just provide a sample. (We only want you to throw up in your mouth a little – not a full on projectile spew out the nose and mouth.)

Even as the documents make clear Saddam’s regime had given up banned weapons, they also attest to its continued secretiveness: A 1997 document from Iraqi intelligence instructed agencies to keep confidential files away from U.N. teams, and to remove “any forbidden equipment.”

Since it’s now acknowledged the Iraqis had ended the arms programs by then, the directive may have been aimed at securing stray pieces of equipment, and preserving some secrets from Iraq’s 1980s work on chemical, biological and nuclear weapons.

Saddam’s inner circle entertained notions of reviving the programs someday, the newly released documents show. “The factories will remain in our brains,” one unidentified participant told Saddam at a meeting, apparently in the early 1990s.

At the same meeting, however, Saddam, who was deposed by the U.S. invasion in 2003 and is now on trial for crimes against humanity, led a discussion about converting chemical weapons factories to beneficial uses.

Beneficial uses? Perhaps a baby milk factory? Dick Cheney looooooooves blowing up baby milk factories – almost as much as he loves shootin’ lawyers.

One the members of our crack staff was able to get his paws on an unedited outtake from one of these videos. Here is a partial transcript:

Tariq Aziz: Achmed, did you get the boom mic for this week? I’m tired of having to shout through every one of these things!

Achmed the Key Grip: Yes sir. Came in from Moscow today with the anti-aircraft missiles and Ebola samples.

Saddam: We’re not rolling yet are we? God help me, we better not be rolling yet or you will be special guest at the rape room tonight, Achmed – you know damn well my boys don’t care if you’re a man or woman as long as you’ve got a hole.

Achmed: I know, Your Royalty. A million apologies. May allah strike me down should my tongue slip again.

Saddam: Let’s get this overwith. Remember – today….

Uday: We know, we know. Ended weapons program in 1991, baby milk factory, flowers, happy children playing… we know, we know.

Saddam: Okay, but today remember, we’re turning an abandoned Anthrax factory into a Chuck-E-Cheese. This will demonstrate to the West that we have learned to integrate their values and love of flashing lights into our culture.

Tariq: Brilliant idea, Your Highness.

Saddam: Shut up, you sycophantic midget.

Tariq: Yes, sir.

Mushad, Director of Photography: Okay, the betacam is rolling. 3… 2… 1… action!

hat tip Mrs. Holmes

The Hunt For Red November

Matt Margolis is running a poll that is showing dismal negatives and weak positives for every conventional contender who has expressed interest in running in ’08.

I know it’s a small sample. I know it’s still early. But I’m just going to toss this out there.


Talk amongst yourselves. After 6 years of mush-mouth, we could use a strong candidate who can reach Reagan Democrats and verbally articulate the conservative message.

Temporary Sanity in Afghanistan – Don’t Worry, It’s Only Temporary

There has been a temporary stay of execution for Abdul Rahman, the Afghani man who dared convert to Christianity, prompting members of the Religion of Peace™ to call for his execution.

KABUL, Afghanistan — An Afghan court on Sunday dismissed a case against a man who converted from Islam to Christianity because of a lack of evidence and he will be released soon, officials said.

The announcement came as U.S.-backed President Hamid Karzai faced mounting foreign pressure to free Abdul Rahman, a move that risked angering Muslim clerics here who have called for him to be killed.

An official closely involved with the case told The Associated Press that it had been returned to the prosecutors for more investigation, but that in the meantime, Rahman would be released.

Of course, it helps that the ex-Taliban has rounded up some more lower-profile Christian converts to imprison and execute out of the glare of the media.

Is Katherine McFarland Really Crazy?

No one ever said that running for Hillary Clinton’s seat was going to be easy. For Katherine “KT” McFarland, she may have already gotten more than she bargained for. Via Drudge:

“Hillary Clinton is really worried about me, and is so worried, in fact, that she had helicopters flying over my house in Southampton today taking pictures,” according to a prominent GOP activist who was at the event.

“She wasn’t joking, she was very, very serious, and she also claimed that Clinton’s people were taking pictures across the street from her house in Manhattan, taking pictures from an apartment across the street from her bedroom,” added the eyewitness, who is not involved in the Senate race.

Given the Clinton’s history of hiring scumbag dirt merchants like Anthony Pellicano to dig up the goods on their opponents, it’s never out of the question to assume that the people who coined the phrase “politics of personal destruction” might be involved.

But with Pellicano facing federal charges in a California courtroom for eavesdropping and carrying C4 explosives in the trunk of his car (among other things), the junior Senator from New York who took the time to personally root through the FBI files on her political opponents might resort to such heavy-hoofed tactics.

But who could she trust with such an assignment?

In a Six Meat Buffet Exclusive, we can unequivocally put to rest the fact that there have been some strange goings on at Candidate McFarland’s residence.

A DeskCam recently picked up this photo while Candidate McFarland was getting ready for bed after returning from a long flight.


Though the pic is grainy, this is probably just a Jehovah’s Witness. However, local field agents are examining “specimens” found on the glass. We thought that was fairly innocuous until McFarland informed us that a fish with a cigar in it’s mouth was laid on her car with a chilling note that simply read “Stop”.

There is no place for this type of behavior in a democracy.

Indeed, the Hitchcockian house across the street from Miss McFarland was rented out as well. Our undercover security van was able to catch this shot of the shutterbug suspect in the upstairs bedroom window.


Anyone who recognizes this man should not attempt to apprehend him alone.

While we don’t want to dabble in conspiracy theories, we do want to err on the side of caution and bring him in for questioning.

Ancient Chinese Secret, Huh?

Dahling. You look like a million yuan (via the World Tribune):

A Chinese cosmetics company has been using skin taken from the bodies of executed convicts to develop beauty products for sale in Europe, a London newspaper reported.

He was doing 10 to 20, but for you? $9.95.

An agent for the company informed customers it is developing collagen for lip and wrinkle treatments from skin taken from prisoners after they had been shot.

*pfew* Because I have moral objections to taking their skin prior to them being shot.

The agent said some of the company‘s products have been exported to Britain, and that the use of skin from condemned convicts was “traditional” and nothing to “make such a big fuss about,“ the Guardian reported.

Mrs. Smantix is right. I don’t know what women go through to look so good.

“A lot of the research is still carried out in the traditional manner using skin from the executed prisoners and aborted fetus.

He suggested that the use of skin and other tissues harvested from executed prisoners was not uncommon. “In China it is considered very normal and I was very shocked that Western countries can make such a big fuss about this,” he said.

Those whacky Western countries. Always making a big fuss over nothing. Nukes in Iran. Child labor laws. Smearing fetus on your face.

We have so much to learn from the ChiComs.

Equal Time

We’ve spent a lot of time yappin’ on about the NCAA basketball tournament, but we’ve completely neglected the women’s tournament. When one of our own lady Vols has two dunks glorified layups in a riveting 50-point first-round barnburner, we should certainly sit up and take notice. When Parker performed those magical dunks the lefty sports media went into high gear and there wasn’t a dry seat in the house up in the booth, eh Nancy?

That’s right, Preston. We had to call in an extra custodian for mop-up duty that night, that’s for sure. There is nothing more exciting than a first-round women’s NCAA basketball game. With the depth of talent from the 1st seed to the 16th seed, you know you’re in for a good game in each and every bracket.


We were glued to our seats as well, Nancy.


Well, I may have been workin’ the sidelines, but I’m not ashamed to admit I had my own little tingly-feeling going.


The game lacked the professionalism of the WNBA playoffs, but I enjoyed it just the same, I suppose. Have I shown you my f***ing trophy?


We believe all forms of competition are inherently evil. These teams were just following a tradition started by abusive misogynists throwing a ball in a peach bucket. Shameful.


Good point girls. In fact, I’ve written a song about the oppressive patriarchal nature of the sport and I’d like to share it with you….


That won’t be necessary, but thanks. Have you been enjoying the tournament, Billie Jean?


Wrong sport.


You know, there is an oppressive patriarchy at work in stand-up comedy as well. There isn’t a hurdle I haven’t jumped to get where I am today. Which is… um…. where am I?


Well, since you asked, I’ve got a lot of things lined up. You know, after playing the emotionally draining, but award-winning, role of Beth last year, it’s been hard to get back on track. But my agent says…


Actually, we were asking about the women’s NCAA tournament, Rosie.


Venezuela is for lovers.


You know, it’s really wrong for you guys to stifle Ani’s freedom of expression. I realize that we’re living under the brutal theocratic regime of Chimpy McHitler, but Ani should still be able sing her song about the injustices inherent in competitive sports. Regime change now!


Just to be clear about this, I support the woman’s right to choose whether to dunk the ball, fingertip roll the ball and grab the net, lay it up off the glass, or bomb in the trey from behind the arc. And I support the President and his tacit acceptance of illegal immigration, even at the expense of national security. Thank you.


We have totally missed the point of racial discrimination in the ESPN building itself. Everytime I go in there, someone makes a wisecrack about me using the correct water fountain. I am not putting up with it any more. They don’t pull that crap at ABC.


I know I seem angry, but once you get to know me, you’ll realize how funny I really am. I’m hilarious. And I’m not just saying that – people have told me that.


Where the hell did you come from?


Swish! Three points!


Wrong sport.


I swear I’m not just a Wuzzadem tribute band.