Football Friday

We’ve come upon yet another Football Friday. Last week’s hangover is over and it’s time to strap it on (no, not that, Feisty) and toss the pigskin around again. And you know how we like pigskin. And pork rinds. And what-not.

Anyway, my friend Chris sent me this column on men shaking pom-poms at football games and it really got me a-thinkin’. Especially since I’ve been known to hoist a shaker or two in celebration of a touchdown/sack/interception/beating in my day. Really, how gay is it to shake a pom-pom, and is it really unique to SEC men?

Why do Southern men feel comfortable cheering with glorified pompons at SEC football games? Seriously. Especially considering most Southern men race in the opposite direction when it comes to anything remotely feminine. For example, your average Southern man would rather wrestle a syphilitic cougar than hug another man, yet come Saturday, toss us a multi-colored pompon and we’ll shake it in time to music. This makes zero sense.

Hmmmm. How dare he drag the good name of the Cougars through the mud, Tiny E?

According to diligent ClayNation research consisting of telephone calls to friends who root for teams or graduated from other conferences, men from the Big Ten, Big 12 and Pac-10 don’t cheer with pompons in the stands. Yep, not even the Pac-10 guys who wear turtlenecks and attend poetry slams for fun shake pompons in the crowd. Only men from the SEC — land of the stoic upper lip, mandatory gun ownership, late night drunken trips to Krystal and the wearing of camouflage gear at all times — shake the equivalent of colorful ribbons at football games.

This is a disturbing analysis. I assumed that this was a nationwide tradition – dare I say, a patriotic duty. Seems I’ve been misled. It gets worse.

Things are about to get worse. Southern men ridicule Southern male cheerleaders to no end. Pick any section of any SEC football stadium on a Saturday and I guarantee you a male cheerleader is getting made fun of by someone. Yet we do this while standing in the crowd shaking pompons in time to band music. This is despite the fact that I’ve never seen a Southern male cheerleader ever hold a pompon. In fact, Southern male cheerleaders are generally looking up hot women’s skirts while men with pompons are making fun of them from the crowd. This is the rough equivalent of ridiculing Brad Pitt while he’s making out with Angelina Jolie and you are in the process of rubbing lotion into Star Jones’ stretch marks. It makes no sense.

I’m going to have to think long and hard before shaking my pom-pom tomorrow at the Marshall game. Maybe I’ll just shake it a little, see how it feels, then decide whether or not to continue shaking it. I mean, if you just shake it a little, that doesn’t make you gay does it? I hate it when my firmly established worldview gets kicked in the nads.

Speaking of Marshall, they’ll go down to the Great Pumpkin’s orange warriors tomorrow, 33 – 10. I’ll be there with Preston Jr. We’ll be the ones in the orange shirts. Elsewhere in college ball…

  • Arkansas 23 Alabama 17Alabama will be brought back to earth by this horrendous upset.
  • Ohio State 34 Penn State 21Ohio State will continue to separate itself from the Big Ten pack. And the further you can get away from the Big Ten, the better.
  • Notre Dame 27 Michigan State 21Even though the Irish Hype Machine™ has run out of gas, they’ll be able to squeak by the Spartans.
  • Georgia 55 Colorado 2This might have been a good game back in the 90s.

In the pros, it’s adios to Volek and it should be adios for Favre. Let’s face it, if Brett cared about the franchise, he would have retired in the offseason. Hang up the cleats, Brett. Sure, you’re a legend, but all legends eventually outlive their usefulness. You’re going on two years past that point.

This week, the Titans will go down to the Dolphins 31 – 10. Elsewhere in the pros…

  • Jags 22 Colts 20The Manning House of Cards will come tumbling down as the Jags’ defense puts the smack down on the Dolts.
  • Da Bears 31 Vikings 21This classic NFC Central battle will further prove that the Bears are for real this year.
  • Pittsburgh 28 Cincinnati 20The Steelers will bounce back this week and momentarily derail the Bengals. This will be a playoff preview game.
  • Pats 26 Broncos 21Pats will stay undefeated after the Horsies come a-callin’.

9 comments

  1. Shake that thang, Preston…

    When I watch an SEC football game on TV, it looks cool to see all that color in the stands.

    As one of those Pac 10 guys who only shake it once a year (against those turtle-neck- wearing, wine-and-cheese fags at SC), I say Shake, Shake, Shake…

  2. I don’t know about pom poms, but I was surprised that no one has commented on the three UT players walking on the field holding hands during UT/Florida game. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) Something else I don’t understand about football, I guess.

  3. UCLA Class of ’91 Grad here, and i’ve NEVER, EVER shaken a set of pom-poms, Preston. That’s not just gay, but gay on a Polk & Castro street level.

    BTW – Favre will retire after he achieves the career interceptions record. I believe he’s only 5 more away. Just the way you want to end your career: More INTs than TDs. Hall Of Fame Numbers, all the way… NOT! Favre is just Lynn Dickey with a better pair of knees.

  4. How gay is the pom-pom? Traditional male metrics determine gayness by whether you pop a boner while shaking said pom-pom. Or whether you ask the guy next to you wiggle his spirit fingers up your ass.

    I don’t know if Marshall will take one from UT’s butt bandits lying down. Less than a 3 point win. Michigan State might piss in Touchdown Jesus’ holy water.

    Jax’s defense raped my beloved Steelers and threw the cab money in their face on MNF. I hope they donkey punch Peyton and leave him with a dirty sanchez. Or else my Fantasy league matchup is going to suck.

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