WTW: White Trash Birthday Party and A Jackass Gets Injured

Today’s WTW is a really a quick double shot of humiliation for cracker-ass crackers all across the fruited plain.

First – and if you haven’t seen it, you’re missing out. Mrs. Holmes pointed this story out to me Sunday morning as we worked through our hangovers: A Super Sweet 15 for Farragut Teen. (Registration required, you can use my login – sixmeat-at-gmail.com, pw – sixmeat) Though I will excerpt it, you should read the whole thing.

But not long after Mrs. Holmes pointed it out to me and suggested it would be perfect for White Trash Wednesday, I saw the story covered on a whole bunch of RTB blogs. It’s just too outrageous to NOT cover if you’re a RTB blogger, I suppose. It’s truly a delightful tale of wretched excess and well worth reading.

On Sept. 23, Leslie weathered the storm and threw her daughter the ultimate 15th-birthday bash at Maple Grove Inn in West Knoxville.

Her inspiration for the event: MTV’s popular and controversial show “My Super Sweet 16,” which depicts wealthy teenagers planning over-the-top celebrations, especially birthdays. With most costing six figures, no expense is spared, nor any drama. Tantrums, pouting and ingratitude play important roles in the series, now into its second season.

Leslie and Brittany have been fans of the show since it began, and Leslie decided to throw her only daughter a party in the same vein. Though she wasn’t willing to share the grand total cost of the party with us, suffice it to say it would meet MTV’s standards.

So right from the start, you know it’s going to be offensive. Mom and daughter must watch a lot of MTV together to be such huge fans of the show. I believe this is covered in Chapter 7 of “How Not to Parent.”

Five young hunks didn’t require an invitation to the party. The five Webb High School athletes were handpicked to mingle and dance with partygoers. Their uniform: pink bow ties, jeans, and a coat of spray glitter on their bare upper bodies.

“Basically, our job is to be eye candy,” said Jeffrey Johnson, a 16-year-old football player at Webb. “It’s an odd request, but we have a good story to tell for the rest of our lives.”

Jeffrey and the gang weren’t the only ones recruited to shake their moneymakers. Leslie hired dancers from the Performer’s Edge Dance Studio on Western Avenue as part of the entertainment.

Choreographer and dancer Sam Bell was a bit taken aback by the invitation to perform at a teen birthday party.

“When she called, I was like, you want us to do what?” Bell said. “We have never really danced around kids that much. We dance more at clubs and on UT’s campus. She told us to make it sexy, but we’re trying to keep it PG-13.”

After the dance troupe performs, Brittany is pulled onto the black-and-white dance floor for a little treat, lap dances from the group’s male members. Her mother receives one, too.

Nice. This is just a different brand of family values, I suppose. Mother/daughter lapdances are all the rage in Farragut these days. And as yet another MTV-generation-inspired surprise, some rapper (that I’ve never heard of, naturally) showed up to perform.

After another costume change, this time a blue silk halter dress, Brittany is ready for the night’s entertainment headliner, Georgia rapper Bubba Sparxxx.

“Happy birthday, Brittany. We love you,” shouts the rapper. “We are thrilled to be here. There is no place we would rather be than here in Knoxville, celebrating Brittany’s birthday. It’s great to be a part of so much love.”

Sparxxx opens his set with “Deliverance,” his first single, and closes with his biggest hit to date, “Miss New Booty,” which is Brittany’s ring tone on her cell phone.

After performing the crowd-pleaser, Sparxxx calls an embarrassed Brittany onto the stage and gives the princess a new title.

“Make some noise for Knoxville’s official Miss New Booty,” he says.

Nothin’ but class. The whole celebration wound up with the 15-year-old, who isn’t yet even legal driving age, getting a 2006 BMW Z4 sportscar.

“I’m kind of sad that it’s over,” Brittany says a few days after the party. “I want it to come back. It was amazing. I’ve never felt that awesome. I felt like everybody was there to see me.”

Interestingly, and as Mrs. Holmes pointed out, there was no mention of a father anywhere in the story. You can draw your own conclusions on that one. In the interest of fairness, which of course, I don’t really believe in, mom has responded to the story defending the party. I’m sure the journalist wanted to sensationalize it as much as possible, but c’mon – it speaks for itself, really.

On to the second story – 18-year-old Kansas teen seriously injures himself peforming a Jackass-inspired stunt.

18 year old Joe White’s stepmother says he’s in critical condition at St. Francis Hospital after jumping from a moving car. Shawnee County Sheriff Dick Barta says a passenger in the car told deputies White was trying to recreate a scene from the newly released “Jackass” sequel.

His stepmother said he had just watched the movie the night before.

“He decided he was going to jump out of the car, and my thought is that he maybe thought they were closer to the curb and that he would land in the grass,” said Kristen White, Joe White’s stepmother. She said her stepson, Joe, leapt from a car going between 30 and 35 miles per hour. He was apparently trying to recreate a stunt from the movie “Jackass Number Two.”

Sheriff Dick Barta says it was no accident. “This was an intentional, voluntary act,” said Sheriff Barta.

Joe underwent brain surgery to remove a blood clot, which may leave him paralyzed.

“It’s just real scary, because you don’t want your child to have any permanent neurological deficit. You want him to fully recover to the way he functioned prior to the accident,” said Joe’s stepmother. White says it could take months or even years for her stepson to recover from his injuries.

She added, “It’s a day by day situation, and they just can’t predict anything at this point.”

Sheriff Dick Barta says other passengers were videotaping Joe when he jumped. The driver, 18 year old Christopher Donald, was booked into jail for multiple counts, including reckless driving and giving false information at the scene of an accident. He was later released on bond.

Wasn’t Charles Darwin from Kansas?

Here are your White Trash Wednesday bloggers….


  1. Looks like two kids are going to need a LOT of attention for the rest of their lives. She’ll need a man who can always pull her chariot and hold her hand mirror, and he’ll need a woman to push his wheelchair and change his bed pan.

  2. Hah…stupid crackers. I’ve been hired by “barfly” to monitor your racist site and to give you “sympathy hits”.

    He and Fred Evil gonna give me half the cans dey collect on da street…

    I am ON your ass now, you dumb-ass rednecks…

  3. If you’re ever watching MTV, and something you see strikes you as a good idea, it’s probably a good time to look into getting your dosage(s) adjusted. I’m just sayin’.

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