Month: November 2006

We’ve Been Challenged

There was some debate here at the Buffet whether we should rise to the bait put out by Sadly No.

Right-wing sites of similar traffic that are not yet proven abject cowards, and have not yet begged off on our Photoshop Duel challenge, despite sucking:

1) Dan Riehl
2) Six-Meat Buffet
3) Does anyone else on the right even do Photoshop?
4) Yeah, you. We challenge you, chunderbot. Here’s a bullet. Aroo! Aroo!

Strangely enough, we never actually received an email with this challenge.

Truth is, we’re not participating in this year’s Weblog Awards, hence we have no real motivation to descend to the gutter. Besides, there were too many cheesewipes wandering in from Jesus General (no link) last year. It just wasn’t worth it.

However, the challenge was out there. Smantix and I put down our cognac snifters and Cohibas and collectively decided to engage in this Photoshop competition. Also, Letterman was a re-run.

For our worthy opponents at Sadly, No we offer Silent Scope – that fun sniper video game which inspired Deb Frisch to go after Jeff Goldstein’s kid.


The arcade version of Silent Scope is enjoying a resurgence in popularity ever since Anderson Cooper used it to take potshots at our troops in Iraq.

Out of quarters? Don’t despair! You can relive the 60s and snipe at our troops from your parent’s basements with the PS2 home edition. Comes with a cheat guide too!!


UPDATE: Just dug this up from the archives… Understanding the mind of the Far Left

I Initially Thought This Was a Joke

Then I realized that when a Federal Judge speaks, get ready for comedy!

WASHINGTON — By keeping all U.S. currency the same size and texture, the government has denied blind people meaningful access to money, a federal judge said Tuesday.

U.S. District Judge James Robertson said the Treasury Department has violated the law, and he ordered the government to come up with ways for the blind to tell bills apart.

He said he wouldn’t tell officials how to fix the problem, but he ordered them to begin working on it within 10 days. The American Council of the Blind has proposed several options, including printing bills of differing sizes, adding embossed dots or foil to the paper or using raised ink.

“Of the more than 180 countries that issue paper currency, only the United States prints bills that are identical in size and color in all their denominations,” Robertson wrote. “More than 100 of the other issuers vary their bills in size according to denomination, and every other issuer includes at least some features that help the visually impaired.”

I mean, really. Give me a fucking break. Somebody add this asshat to the list of judges to impeach in 2007.

Note To Self: 4-Year-Olds Don’t Speak in Metaphors

The other night, Preston Jr. was very concerned and kept getting up after being put to bed. This is unusual. He’s usually out like a light soon after prayers.

He came downstairs and with great despair, said that his piggy bank was gone. Where was he going to put his quarters (for gumballs) with his piggy bank gone? Due to the fact that we’re in the process of moving to a new house, nearly everything had been packed up, including the piggy banks.

Being the incompetent parent that I am, naturally, I assume that what he’s really upset about is the transition into a new house from the only house he’s ever known. Seemed like a logical conclusion to me. It’s not really about the piggy bank – the piggy bank merely represents his anxiety about moving to a new house and a new neighborhood. The piggy bank is just a metaphor for his pending upheaval.

He later woke us up around 1:30 am, still worried about his piggy bank. I tried to reassure him by letting him know that he’d have his piggy bank at his new house.

Demonstrating far more parental competence and understanding of child psychology, Mrs. Holmes got up, unpacked the piggy bank, put it back in his room (precisely where he demanded) and off he went to sleep. When I brought it up later, she emphasized, “he really wanted his piggy bank.”

Sometimes a piggy bank is just a piggy bank.

Calling Janet Reno

10 dead in group home fire in Missouri.

At least 10 people were killed in a fire early Monday at a state-run group home for the mentally disabled in southwest Missouri, the state fire marshal said.
At least 12 people were taken to hospitals from the Anderson Guest House south of Joplin, Fire Marshal Randy Cole said. Authorities believe about 35 people were in the home at the time, he said.

The building was “very heavily damaged” before the fire was brought under control just before daylight, Cole said.

The cause was under investigation, and names of the victims had not been released.

The home is run by the Missouri Mental Health Department and Department of Health and Senior Services, he said. Health and Senior Services said they did not immediately have any information on the fire, and the mental health department did not immediately return a message seeking comment.

Janet Reno’s whereabouts are still unknown as of press time. If anyone sees the former pyromaniac Attorney General, please contact local authorities.

To Advertise and Misinform


If you’re a major metro newspaper in a rapidly growing city with a skyrocketing violent crime rate, would you:

a) Dedicate more staff to covering the Police Beat.

b) Run more in-depth thought pieces on the “root causes” of crime.


c) Just cut back on covering crime all together.

No Time for Crime at 1100 Broadway
The Tennessean, Rex has learned, is preparing to cut back on its coverage of crime in the Music City, according to Tennessean newsroom sources.

Which, six months into the Police Department’s acknowledgement that Nashville has a serious gang problem, the announcement by a Mayoral candidate that he’s running to put more cops on the street, and an up-tick in Nashville’s ranking on the “most dangerous cities” in the country list only makes perfect sense if you speak Gannettese..
Nashville was named Friday as one of 18 cities and sprawling suburban regions picked by the federal government to be the subject of a national crime study on why homicides and other violent crimes are on the rise nationally.

The City Paper notes that a federal study indicating a national 2.2% overall violent crime rate rise since 2001, however, Nashville’s rate has gone well into the double digit under Chief Spanky’s Reign of Error.

Move along, people. Nothing to see here.

Stupid AP Tricks

Nothing beats a good apples to eggplants comparison:

U.S. involved in Iraq longer than WWII

By TOM RAUM, Associated Press Writer

WASHINGTON – The war in Iraq has now lasted longer than the U.S. involvement in the war that President Bush’s father fought in, World War II. As of Sunday, the conflict in Iraq has raged for three years and just over eight

Only the Vietnam War (eight years, five months), the Revolutionary War (six years, nine months), and the Civil War (four years), have engaged America longer.

In related news, the insurgent AP’s Strawman Rebellion has lasted considerably longer than Nat Turner’s Rebellion.

And now you know.

And Knowing Is Half the Battle

Imaginary Media Bias

For those of you who continue to deny the existence of left-leaning bias in the Old Media, MKH has a delightful case study which demonstrates this bias, and how subtle it can be.

Early reports last year seemed to indicate that the season would be good, and it was, but a lot of news outlets did their darndest to hide the good under gloomy headlines and misleading ledes on this day a year ago. But now that the New Age of Prosperity in a Time of Democratic Control TM has dawned, the stories look very different on this day after Black Friday, 2006. Let’s compare and contrast.

Baltimore Sun, 2005:

The Baltimore Sun says, “although retailers face a challenging economy, early reports yesterday indicated a strong first day for the official shopping season.”

Baltimore Sun, 2006: Holiday Shopping Starts With a Roar

You might as well put exclamation points on this kind of copy:

The holiday shopping season kicked off in typical frenzied fashion yesterday with pre-dawn bargains, midnight store openings, clogged Internet sites and long lines, fueling a cultural tradition that helps to set the tone for how retailers finish out the year.

Early reports by retail executives predicted strong sales yesterday. And the industry hoped that showing would continue throughout the weekend, when 137 million people are expected to visit stores.

How quickly that “challenging economy” has disappeared since the Democrats took control, huh?

She has several other good examples – read the whole thing.

There are a few things you can count on when the Donks are in control of the federal government. The economy will always be good – nay, great!, all military action initiated by Dim-O-Cracks will be justified, and you’re all about to get your asses taxed into oblivion to pay for LBJ’s great (welfare) society.

Save Ferris From Bob Corker

Not since the theft of the nunbun has religious persecution been so prevalent within the country confines of our Volunteer Auschwitz. The Excitably Passive-Aggressive Sully alerts us that the racist Senator-elect Bob Corker lynched the aging Madonna “Esther” Ciccone outside of her dressing room on Thanksgiving! Bloodying the varicose veins on her Holy Cankles by bringing down the full fascist force of the Tennessee Taliban upon her.

Does it pay you more to walk on water than to wear your crown of thorns?

For those who believe Bob Corker won because of racism, rest assured he won on religious fundamentalism. Proof in point: last night in Chattanooga, TN (Bob Corker’s hometown) NBC aired “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” instead of the Madonna concert. Our children and grandchildren learn to cut school, be cool, borrow Dad’s Ferrari and tell a few harmless lies. But by the Grace of God, our community protects impressionable youth from that sexual and religious deviant Madonna.

Who’s supposed to be insulted here exactly? The racist, homophobic Corker or the light-loafered Matthew Broderick who, though “the Sausage King of Chicago”, is apparently not gay enough for Excitable’s Chattabootie connection?

From the station manager:

Station President and general manager Tom Tolar watched a preview of “Madonna: The Confessions Tour Live,” set for the 8-10 p.m. slot tonight and said viewers will instead see the 1986 film, “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.”

Toplar said it is a prime time for families to get together, and the show just did not seem appropriate.

Tolar said an N-B-C representative told him the program was not cleared to air by at least 18 percent of affiliates around the country.

Hrm. So an NBC affiliate that has no problem running “Will & Grace” decides not to air Grandma running around stage in her panties and pointy-coned flapjacks. Obvious homophobia rooted in a lack of faith in Jesus’ teachings:

And yet she is banned in Tennessee. As a reader once put it to me, these fundamentalists may believe in Jesus, but many sure don’t believe Jesus.

Madonna is closer to Jesus’ authentic teachings in this respect than many Christianists.

And there you have it. A Chattanooga station manager’s decision to not air a Madonna concert is a statewide indictment of the “Christianist” threat to Christianity. As opposed to the casual blasphemy of an AARP centerfold putting herself on the crucifix somehow constituting “authentic teachings”. I definitely missed the sermon that day.

Throw those King James Bibles in the trash, I say. Replace them with a copies of the soundtrack to “Dick Tracy”. Not be presumptuous, but I believe I speak for Jesus when I say “he would have wanted it that way”.

Way to challenge those stereotypes, Sully. Gushing, hypersensitive queens who sit around listening to Madonna mp3’s all day like it’s the Gospel.

And for the record, televised assplay is usually reserved for your appearances on Real Time with Bill Maher.


This bird will not be pardoned. Under normal circumstances, a rack like that would cause me to grant leniency, but in this case, it just makes me hungrier.

Today I give thanks for my wonderful family (of which I’m not worthy) as well as my friends, blog-related and otherwise. I hope you all have a delightful thanksgiving. May your stomachs be full and your brain be booze-addled.

Look Who Just Turned Three!

The Llamas have just turned three years old! In Blogosphere years, they’re about as old as the Batman TV show.

I have a special place in my heart for Steve-O and Robbo. It was skewering them where I honed my P-shop skills and they were one of the first blogs to give my old Cranky Neocon site a link.

They are the first place I go when I want to know which dead British admiral is having his birthday. It is also the only place on the entire Internet where you can get a cultural mashup of Battlestar Galactica, French newsbabes and reviews of new Netflix releases. In other words the ideal home of the post-thirtysomething family geek. I love it. Oh yeah, there is gardening tips too.

Go there and wish them happy yips.

Yet Another Uncanny Similarity Between Lefty Loonies and Islamists

From Tim Blair:

Islamic religious police on Tuesday arrested 22 people for smoking in the Somali port of Kismayo, where they will be flogged if found guilty of violating a new tobacco ban, officials said.

Those detained were nabbed just days after local Islamist officials announced a total ban on the use of tobacco in the key southern port, in a new sign of their increasingly strict application of Sharia law.

Sounds like a typical day in San Francisco except that the flogging would be paid for by the recipients.

How Dreams Die

The scene. I’m sitting in my doctor’s waiting room. A friendly 70+ lady is seated next to me and we’re having a pleasant chat about computers.

[Me] I always thought it would be nice to teach computer use at the neighborhood nursing homes. You could be quickly in touch with family, get to know people through blogs or lists. You could even…

[Friendly 70+ lady] Oh no. Did you see on the news about that fella who raped women he met on the computer?

[Me] Um, yes.

[F 70+ L] Oh no. Raped five or six women.

[Me] Hmm. I was just thinking that elderly people, sometimes, you know, feel isolated and want …

[F 70+ L] Nope, not for me.

[Me] Been seeing Dr. Brandt for a while?

[F 70+ L] Yes. Great doctor.

[Me] Good. Good.

Global Orgasm Day Sank My Battleship

Communism, Cialis, Unsexy!

More effluvium from San Fransissy’s “They’re Not Like Us” files:

Anti-war couple conceive new way to generate peace

Joe Garofoli, Chronicle Staff Writer

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Living on their houseboat off the Marin County coast, anti-war activists Donna Sheehan and her partner, Paul Reffel, concocted a way for the world to communally create a lot of peaceful vibes.

They want everyone to have an orgasm on the same day.
Once you’ve committed, there’s even a secret sign to show others that you plan to take part: Flash the universal “OK” sign and wink. Or, as it has been redubbed, “The O” sign.

Fudging Nasty

And hopefully everyone who finds the idea of grandma putting on her slinky Depends ™ Thong and reheating a romantic squash casserole dinner by candlelight will join me in their nausea by driving with their headlights on tonight.

Personally, Sheehan’s experiences with the Baring Witness (link Not Safe For Anyone) demonstrations opened up new avenues of self-exploration for the 76-year-old artist. Since then, she has learned more about how women can initiate courtship, sex and peace, culminating this year in a book she and Reffel wrote, “Redefining Seduction.”

Whether or not the 76-year old silver fox’s cozies match her doilies is definitely “Redefining Seduction” in my book but I expect no better from the city that brought us “Harold and Maude”.

Not surprisingly, the Global O isn’t the first effort to synchronize pleasure in the name of peace. Or even just in the name of synchronized pleasure. For several years, a weekly climax has been coordinated online (Webcams optional), and sexuality experts say there have been several other attempts to link pleasure and peace.

But they’re not all Kool-Aid drinkers out on the Left Coast:

Even skeptics like Jim Underdown, who investigates paranormal matters in California for the Center for Inquiry-West, plans to join in the fun — even if he believes there is no way to transmit energy from one’s brain to achieve a physical result.

“You don’t need a good reason to have an orgasm,” he said. “Even a stupid one is OK.”

As your parents, Gaia rest their souls, would no doubt agree.