Do you remember back in the Eighties there was a successful fantasy movie called Clash of the Titans? Here’s a quick recap through the haze of a fading memory. Harry Hamlin and his bronzed pecs re-enact highlights from Greek mythology. The effects were the absolute best for their time done by none other than Ray Harryhausen.
I know I could look this up on the Internet, but I’m having more fun winging it. The box office numbers were very good for the genre and that proved to be a double-edged sword (or a Pandora’s box if you want to be consistient).
From that movie, Hollywood let loose an unbroken stream of turds that could cause any geek swear off Renaissance Faires for the rest of his life.
Krull, Beastmaster and The Sword and the Sorcerer immediately come up like a Meximelt 10 minutes after ingestion.
Why do I force you down the dark part of Memory Lane? I do this to warn you and ask you a favor.
Unless you have a pre-teen son who insists, there is no good reason to see Eragon. In fact there are many good reasons just to take your son to a highway overpass and chuck bottles at the passers by. At least you’ll have a bonding experience and not feel you’ve wasted 90 minutes of your life.
Like “Titans” of so long ago, “The Lord of the Rings” appears to have spawned its first knockoff. Sure, just the title Eragon should have been a warning that flashed in my face, but I’m still a little naive to think that Hollywood couldn’t green light such a blatant rip-off.
Poor John Malkovich plays the Sauron dude who was once a Dragon Rider. he betrayed them a generation ago and set himself up a kingdom. His right-hand man is the stereotypical kill-one-henchman-to-show-the-others-just-how-serious-you-are-about-failure. Oh yeah, there is one key difference – he looks exactly like Grima Wormtongue.
The plot isn’t exactly theWar of the Rings. But it is Tolkien Lite. The good guys fight a mini Battle of Helms Deep complete with the dollar store version of the Uruk Hai.
The parts that don’t mimic TLOTR are just pure cliche. Is there a book for lazy filmwriters to just pull up standard characters and plot devices?
Eragon features the Feisty Princess, an Old Drunk who turns out to be The Lost Hero Broken from Years of Despair (a perfectly wasted Jeremy Irons) and of course, English accents that would make Renaissance Faire tourists blush.
I need you people do me a favor and not see it! Let’s send Hollywood a message that we don’t tolerate another rash sword and sorcery flicks.
ps Please don’t tell my son you read this. He couldn’t see my during the movie and thought it was pretty cool.