Somewhere Gen. Pershing Is Smiling

We need more Americans like Craig Baker.

KATY, TX – There’s an awful lot of exciting news when you round the corner on Baker Road. One of two big yellow signs announces a new neighbor is coming soon. K.I.A., that’s the Katy Islamic Association, plan to build a mosque here.

“It’s not an appropriate place to have a mosque or church,” said resident Barbara Simpson.

It isn’t going over real well.

“As a house of worship, they shouldn’t be disturbing the peace and tranquility of 15 homes,” said resident John Wetmore.

. . .

“We’re not going anywhere,” said Katy Islamic Association member Alvi Muzfar.

So Mr. Baker came up with a brilliant idea.

Craig Baker owns pigs. He’s the guy behind the second big yellow sign on Baker Road. That’s the one announcing Friday night pig races.

“What does it matter, I can do whatever I want with my land right,” asked landowner Craig Baker.

Sure can. But aren’t pigs on the property line racing on a Friday night a little offensive to a Muslim neighbor?

“The meat of a pig is prohibited in the religion of Islam,” said Katy Islamic Association member Youssof Allam. “It’s looked upon as a dirty creature.”

Yeah, there’s that and also that Friday night is a Muslim holy day.

“That is definitely a slap in the face,” said Allam..

Now before you go thinking Craig Baker is unfair, or full of hate, or somehow racist, hear him out.

Baker has long roots here. His family named the road and when the new neighbors moved in, he tells us, they asked him to move out.

“Basically that I should package up my family and my business and find a place elsewhere,” said Baker. “That’s ridiculous, they just bought the place one week prior and he’s telling me I should think about leaving.”

That new owners deny they ever said anything like that, but Baker isn’t budging.

Baker admits the pigs are a message he is not leaving.

The 11-acre property is sandwiched between a pricey subdivision and Craig Baker’s business.

K.I.A. eventually plans to build a mosque, a gym and a school there. There’s no date for the groundbreaking ceremonies, or the first pig race.

Some might say that Baker and his neighbors are being a little xenophobic. However, try going to Saudi Arabia and building a church there. Those fuckers will throw you in jail just for wearing a cross. So I say, let the races begin! And if one of them pigs happens to wander off the property and defecate on the neighbor’s front yard, well those things happen in the country, you know.

General Pershing would be proud.

h/t to Rodger

25 comments

  1. Sooie! I’ll donate a rack of ribs for the first cookout (so one of the contestants does not have to be sacrificed).

    That hickory smell of smokey ribs wafting over the Islamic Center on every Friday night…

  2. “or somehow racist”

    This is starting to drive me crazy because I see it more and more since when does being a Muslime make you another “race”? Or howabout since when being an Arab or Pali make you another race besides Caucasian? One is a religion and the others are ethnic.

  3. If Mr.Baker will serve pork rinds and beer, I will drive all the way from Az. for them there pig races….NASCAR move over, now we have NOPEACE! (National Organization Pig Enhanced Allah Challenging Entertainment)

    WoooHoooo!

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  5. Say,, I would love to sponsor one of the racers. Paint “Swamp Rabbit #1” on both sides, maybe a racing pig cape or flying pig wings. No,, wait, I want to sponsor the “Mo-Ham-Ed” racer,, w/cape and wings,, or the “Allah-Ham-Hocks”,,, Okay, I’ll stop it now,,,,,,,

  6. Swampy, your pig would kick ass! Probably win every race…

    But thinking about it…what about having MKH emcee every night? I’m SURE the jihad-boyz next door would love to ogle her from across the fence…

    Speaking of MKH…has she EVER paid off her debt to Preston?

  7. He probably should have community pig wrestling too. You have to have a deep pit of mud and teams of kids competing against each other to be the first to get a slimy pig into a barrel. Boys and Girls. Take donations for a good cause. Like supporting Christian Missionaries in the middle-east and Indonesia.

  8. #5 Billy

    “Speaking of MKH…has she EVER paid off her debt to Preston?”

    Yeah, Billy your on to something. Might I suggest to PTH that he penalize MKH by requiring her to mud wrestle at the first pig race. You know, kinda’ like interest on that debt;). Damn, where’s feisty when ya’ need her?

  9. Having both raced (me against the pigs — they are fast!) and wrestled pigs (the escape artists weren’t fond of their pen), I must say they are entertaining sports. My aunt was laughing uncontrollably!

    I like the sponsor and barbecue concepts. Any idea what breed(s) Mr. Baker raises? Could we have NOPEACE swag, too, maybe a nice trucker’s cap with the winged pig logo?

  10. Mr. Baker did the honorable thing. I would have opened a shooting range and made sure that all targets looked very much like Osama and Muqtada al Sadr. And, STILL let the pigs hang around behind the shooters.

  11. And, frankly, I’m tired of religions that keep telling me how dirty pigs and dogs are, when they don’t light themselves up and blow up men, women and kids in a mosque to get a reward of 72 virgins (or 72 raisins, depending on how you read the Koran). Muslims are in SERIOUS need of SPCA training!

  12. How about a race on the card where all of the pigs are named after Muslims?

    Muhammed, Osama, Yousef, Ahmed, etc.

    Losing pigs roasted carcass gets buried with a Koran.

    Or is that just too offensive?

  13. “It’s not an appropriate place to have a mosque or church,” said resident Barbara Simpson.

    “As a house of worship, they shouldn’t be disturbing the peace and tranquility of 15 homes,” said resident John Wetmore.

    Lord knows I’m sick of these churches always disturbing the peace and tranquility of my Sunday morning hangovers. Now the Muslims want to ruin my Friday, too?

  14. ALL of you people are just….just….Too Much!!! After finally clearing the tears out of my eyes from laughing so hard, I’m ready to pledge $$ the backing of one of them there pigs as well.
    I want mine to be named after Iran’s Ka-wazy president. We’ll call him “Klinger”.

  15. Step one: Send muslims back to their paradises in the Middle East.

    Step two: Offer a refuge to “infidels” who are oppressed by sharia-gestapo in these islamofascist countries. Help them by all means, when they arrive.

    Problem solved.

  16. I’ve not read all the comments so if I missed this…

    There need to be cheerleaders – full grown, adult women [I’m volunteering! although if Mr. Baker could find a dozen or so Jessica Alba, Angelina Jolie and Pamela Anderson look-a-likes I’d be willing to just cheer from the stands] in teeny, tiny little outfits – or maybe they could be the pig handlers – I don’t know something – just find some really knock-out type women to flash a great deal of skin. [And again, I’m volunteering, but I know a few younger “knock-out” types could handle this much better…].

    Oh, and one more thing – beer! Mr. Baker needs to place a few kegs around the property, and a few coolers for the jello shots!

    …someday, when I’m able to give up this black bag I am forced to wear outside and have stepped back into the real world…

  17. Well…it HAPPENED! And I missed it!

    link

    Swampy, congrats! I heard your pig took first place in the Bomber Division…

    I suggest we might want to have our IP Convention in Katy, Texas next spring/summer…after all, look at our insignia. We could have a huge IP banner at the races, facing the site of the KIA.

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