Every Day Is A Whining Ho

Like a couple of giggling 7th graders, Sheryl Crow and Laurie David turned in their essay on harassing Karl Rove at the WH Correspondent’s Dinner to their Huffin’ Glue Post civics teacher:

Last night Thelma and Louise drove the bus off the cliff or at least into the White House Correspondents Dinner. The “highlight” of the evening had to be when we were introduced to Karl Rove. How excited were we to have our first opportunity ever to talk directly to the Bush Administration about global warming.

We asked Mr. Rove if he would consider taking a fresh look at the science of global warming. Much to our dismay, he immediately got combative.

Now don’t get me wrong, I like being ambushed at dinner as much as the next guy, but there is something inherently scripted in the notion of Laurie David and Sheryl Crow running up to Karl Rove with the manual to stop Global Warming ™ so that he will finally know it exists and can press the button in the White House that makes it stop.

If it existed.

Which it doesn’t.

But much like a fan trying to get a response from Sheryl Crow on filesharing, Karl Rove wasn’t having any of it.

So the kitty shows it’s claws.

Like a groundhog fearful of his own shadow, he scurried to his table in an attempt to hibernate for another year from his responsibility to address global warming. Drama aside, you would expect as an American citizen to be able to engage in a civil discussion with a public official. Instead, Mr. Rove was dismissive, condescending, and quite frankly a bully.

.

Procedural question: Do you get the Huffington Post login before or after you plan the hit?

You approach me. Come up to my table. Start talking smack but I’m the bully?

Next time Sheryl is out at a public restaurant, I hope some global warming enthusiasts will ask her why her livelihood depends on selling a product of non-biodegradable plastic, shipped by black-smoke belching 18-wheelers to powersucking retail warehouses in an effort to sell music to people who are forced to drive their own fossil fuel burning SUVs to get there in the first place.

Preach it, Sister! (tm), but Live It (patent pending) too. If Sheryl really wants to help the environment, she can start by persuading everyone at her label to stop the madness of the old way of distributing cd’s worldwide and only sell music through RIAA approved sites over the internet. The Planet you save may be your own.

Then we can break the news to Laurie about how everyone who saw “An Inconvenient Truth” got to the 68 degree climate controlled Megaplex in a gas combustion vehicle. Because, quite frankly, I don’t have the heart.

UPDATE: (Preston) In another display of Hollywood scientific genius, Sheryl wants YOU to save the environment by limiting yourself to one square of toilet paper per crapper visit.

Sheryl Crow wants to impose a mandatory one-square per sitting toilet paper standard in order to save the planet. Crow had been touring colleges across the great nation of America in order to raise public awareness about global warming.

Crow has teamed up with environmental activist Laurie David for the “Stop Global Warming College Tour,” an outing that aimed to “motivate college students to become part of the movement to stop global warming and demand solutions from themselves, their schools and their country.”

What, you can’t even spare a square?

UPDATE II (Cranky): The 4 Borders Pundit has been inspired by Ms. Crows heartfelt message (personally, I think it’s insomnia):

Wipe it!

This ain’t no latrine
It ain’t no restroom either
This is WC!

“All I wanna do is wipe a little more before I die,”
Says the man next to me coming out of the loo
It’s apropos
Of nothing
He says his name’s Chertoff but I’m sure,
He’s George or Dick or Karl or Albert
And he’s plain wasteful to me

And I wonder if he’s ever had less than a roll of TP in his whole life
We’re buying toilet paper at noon on Tuesday
In a store that faces an Enron building
The good people of the world are wiping their hineys
On their lunch break, wiping and over-using
As best they can in skirts in suits

They buy their fancy Charmins and Coronets
Back at the Wal-Mart, the grocery store too
Well, they’re nothing like Chertoff and me, cause

[Chorus]

All I wanna do is wipe my ass
I got a feeling this roll ain’t gonna last
All I wanna do is wipe my ass
I got a feeling this roll ain’t gonna last
All I wanna do is wipe my ass
Until the sun comes up over my gas-guzzling bus

I like a concert tour early in the morning
And Chertoff likes to ride along
With his cases of Soft Weave

He unrolls them on the bar
Then he separates each square
Putting each one on the bar with his thick fingers
before counting and handing them out

And he’s watching the squares of Scott as the roadies take
them away
And a Soft Weave vendor enters a store
Waving coupons and clean hands

The manager looks up from his paper samples

[Chorus]

Otherwise the bus is ours,
The other bus and the roadie bus and the 18-wheelers too
The carbon offsets aren’t enough to buy all the clean diesel fuel

And I’d like the sun and the moon but

[Chorus]

23 comments

  1. I know people warm the globe
    For the scientists tell me so
    Anyone who doubts is wrong
    The sun is weak but man is strong

    It’s Global Warming
    Oh, it’s Global Warming
    Yes it’s Global Warming, for the scientists tell us so!

  2. Um, Sheryl and co-nimrod: You’re not going to take away our corn cobs too, are you?

    Jeez. Special kind of stupid from the glitterati. Next thing you know, they’ll be promoting cloth diapers for adults and a daily hose down from gutter water.

  3. Now, see, this is why people just get turned off from these Hollywood liberal types, and by extension, Democrats.

    We WANT PEOPLE TO STAY OUT OF OUR BUSINESS!

    The republicans want to invade your bedroom, and now the liberals want to invade your bathroom.

    They live in houses the size of some middle american neighborhoods, and tell us little peons that WE need to save. Har! Har! They travel the planet in carbon puking buses for the band, another for the equipment, and another for the roadies, yet WE need to conserve? They play electrified concerts using endangered dead trees for instruments and a stage show that could power Nashville, TN for several months, yet WE need to conserve?

    I swear, the next time some faggy, ignorant liberal tells me to enlist because I support the war in Iraq, I might just have to make a compelling rebuttal back.

    One square dude. If you are using more than one square, you can’t talk about or dictate lifestyles because of “global warming”.

    /end rant Boy that felt good!

  4. OK everyone…stop picking on Sheryl Crow. You are just up in arms that this brave woman had the courage to speak truth to power.

    Sheryl Crow speaks for all of us who get our scientific data from the entertainment industry. Have any of you global warming deniers won an academy award or even a grammy?

    Besides…haven’t you heard? This debate is OVER!

  5. Don’t shake this woman’s hand. It will be sticky and smell like ass crack. And don’t sit in the first three rows of one of her concerts- When she strums her guitar, she is actually raining E-Coli speckled flakes of poo on the crowd. And if you see Sheryl come down with a sudden case of Pink Eye, you will know that she is following her own advice.

    You know, I do lots of thinking in the bathroom too. I’m thinking I won’t be buying any records from crazy vegan big-headed bitches any time soon.

  6. I don’t know about that BelchSpeak, I’m pretty sure that Cheryl Crow’s shit don’t stink, if ya’ know what I mean.

  7. The odd thing is that everyone’s reporting this like it’s news, but we only have Crow and David’s word for what happened. There’s been no 3rd party to step up and say “they said this, then he said that” as far as I can tell.

    And pardon me, but I don’t generally trust the word of two people who are on an ongoing press tour.

  8. Recall Ms. Crow’s fantastic contribution to
    foreign policy?

    “I think war is based in greed and there are huge karmic retributions that will follow. I think war is never the answer to solving any problems. The best way to solve problems is to not have enemies.”

    Sharp as a laser beam, that Sheryl.

  9. She did a guy with one nut. One. Nut. People.

    When you do a guy with one nut – you make a pact.

    And that one-nutted man probably wore the pedals off of her light carbon-frame like the stage 9 Alpine mountain climb on the Tour de France.

    You can’t expect her not to have a few spokes loose after that.

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  11. What I took from the story…if someone works for you, you get to touch them? I have hot Chinese chicks working for me. This is the most uber super duper ultra friggin’ fantastickest news EVAR.

  12. Against the possibility that there might be some people who actually listen to her, I feel compelled to up my usage to 30 or so squares per visit. In fact, if I stop by the bathroom and don’t even need any, I’m still going to throw away about a dozen squares.

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