Month: July 2007

It Came From Craigslist

And you don’t even have to hit 88 miles per hour.

The Ultimate in Oedipal appliances for the low, low price of $30. Aluminum foil deflector beanie not included.

Gently Used Time Machine – $30
Reply to: sale-384936805@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-07-29, 11:41PM CDT

It’s an early Nikola Tesla NRS96 model. Runs like new, energy efficent, runs on disposable batteries and light bulbs (40wt.) I hate to get rid of it, it’s been very… useful. But! We’re moving to a smaller place and just don’t have room anymore. But our loss your gain!! Guarenteed you wont find a finer time machine for the asking price anywhere.

Complete with…

-Time Machine
-2 Page Instruction Manuel
-Demonstrative Photos
-Great times ahead!

Please check out photos!

This deal wont last. Asking $30 but willing to haggle.

the-ultimate-oedipal.jpg

“A 2-page instruction Manuel“??? Even in the future we can’t get rid of illegals.

I was going to offer them $20 except that I don’t believe in the future.

Take that Robert Heinlein!

BDS, Beyond the Point of No Return

Did the Bushrimp Chimperor order the murder of insanely pro-Liberal America Pat Tillman to prevent an epic meeting between he and Noam Chomsky that would have rocked Sports Talk Radio to its core?

Obviously, liberals are once again scraping the bottom of the barrel to the point that smoke from a furious shovel has induced a 7 year, oak-casked dementia:

Last night on MSNBC’s Countdown, host Keith Olbermann noted that “Corporal Tillman held a number of personal views that were unpopular within the context of the Bush administration, perhaps also within the Army.”

While Think Progress is taking steps to back away from such nutballery, they are the exception and not the rule when it comes to mainstream Outer Leftardia. Naturally, Olberdouche and al Qaeda-in-Kosovo leader Wesley Clark are planting evidence on the usual suspects.

What’s more disgusting than the Bush Administration invoking of executive privilege? Democrats draping themselves with Tillman’s corpse as body armor as their insurgent investigations seek not the truth but a manufactured perjury charge against anyone whose statements contradict press releases from several years ago.

On the bright side, we’ve finally seen that liberals do support the troops. Provided they die first.

I believe I speak for Dick Durbin when I say, “Bring our nazis home”.

You Look Fabulist

Shards of Shattered Glass to scar the pages of The New Republic again? I wouldn’t doubt it.

Bryan has an excellent post about the potentially prevaricating Private Scott Thomas Beauchamp:

TNR sought out a war critic whose writings either smeared the troops or exposed serious discipline problems among the troops. And examining the details of his writings, it became clear to many veterans and non-veterans alike that Beauchamp simply wasn’t writing the truth, and was therefore letting the men in his unit down by exposing them to unfair criticism. He was also reinforcing several stereotypes that many of those who claim to support the troops hold: That they’re dehumanized animals. Beauchamp’s work is today’s equivalent of calling the troops “babykillers,” only from inside the military where presumably the person tossing the insult will be insulated by his having “absolute moral authority.” TNR got to take part in the awful anti-military activities of the last lost war, but in a new and more pernicious way, by replacing smelly hippies with a man in uniform in the war zone.

The whole thing is worth a read.

Tangentially, I’ve been having doubts about The New Republic anyway after they published a now celebrated piece of pseudo-fiction (free version is here assuming 6MB readers weren’t whipping out their credit cards to sign up for TNR online) on last fall’s NRO cruise that elicited all sorts of snorts and chortles from liberal quarters over the last month.

In that piece, TNR’s Mao sympathizing mole bought his NRO cruise ticket and happened upon all sorts of unbelievable NRO Animal House-ish hijinx. The near lynching of Richard C. Lowry-Neidermeyer by his own troops in Vietnam Iraq. Norman Podhoretz threatening to break the legs of a Dean Wormer-esque Bill Buckley if his Iraqi Victory parade got pissed on:

A fracture-line in the lumbering certainty of American conservatism is opening right before my eyes. Following the break, Norman Podhoretz and William Buckley – two of the grand old men of the Grand Old Party – begin to feud. Podhoretz will not stop speaking – “I have lots of ex-friends on the left; it looks like I’m going to have some ex-friends on the right, too,” he rants –and Buckley says to the chair, ” Just take the mike, there’s no other way.” He says it with a smile, but with heavy eyes.

Something’s heavy all right but it ain’t the eyes. More like a backbreaking payload of bullshit.

Buckley himself personally winking and nodding to The New Republic’s even newer fabulist that his “neocon” ideological progeny are, in fact, would-be serial killers:

I decide to track down Buckley and Podhoretz separately and ask them for interviews. Buckley is sitting forlornly in his cabin, scribbling in a notebook. In 2005, at an event celebrating National Review’s 50th birthday, President Bush described today’s American conservatives as “Bill’s children”. I ask him if he feels like a parent whose kids grew up to be serial killers. He smiles slightly, and his blue eyes appear to twinkle.

Really. The only thing missing was Jonah Goldberg as a latter day Bluto loading his plate up at the ice swanned seafood buffet with “Don’t Know Much About History” blaring in the background of Hari’s smear-o-sphere.

Goldberg
Ask me about my cheese eating surrender monkey.

I actually showed up at The Corner’s office to ask them to corroborate or refute some of the claims by Hari but my efforts were rebuffed due to my lack of a dinner jacket and ascot.

Regardless, The New Republic has some explaining to do. One more Stephen Glass episode and the only thing walking The Plank is going to be their editors. Raising their pirate flag on the deck of the NRO cruise is one thing, but swabbing their own deck with such bloody libel over Iraq is quite another.

Secondhand Fat Kills!

This just in:

If your friends and family get fat, chances are you will too, researchers report in a startling new study that suggests obesity is “socially contagious” and can spread easily from person to person.

The large, federally funded study found that to be true even if your loved ones lived far away. Social ties seemed to play a surprisingly strong role, even more than genes are known to do.

Uh oh. Federally funded? Watch for PSAs in which sneering twentysomethings try to shame you out of your Biggie Fries.

Social ostracism is next – no Whoppers within any city, county or federal buildings.

But wait, isn’t it very un-pc to marginalize people based on their weight?

Despite their findings, the researchers said people should not sever their relationships.

“There is a ton of research that suggest that having more friends makes you healthier,” Fowler said. “So the last thing that you want to do is get rid of any of your friends.”

Whew! Just in the nick of time. But do you really want to say that there’s a ton of research? It seems like bad form to me. Why not just say that the problem is as obvious as a flapping manboob? Friends should be as tight as your double-wide ass in a movie theater seat.

ps. Given the post below, you might think that Six Meat Buffet is anti-obesity. Nothing could be further from the truth. Four out of our six meats are very fatty.

Give This Mexican Some Free Healthcare

Michael Moore is currently booking his JetBlue airfare to scuttle down to Monterrey and document the superiority of Vicente Fox’s healthcare system, in his upcoming groundbreaking documentary: Fatso.

A Mexican tipping the scales at 560 kilograms (1,234 pounds) will be listed as the world’s fattest man by the Guinness Book of Records, while a loss of 200 kilos (440 pounds) may make him the man who lost the most weight.

“I’m glad to be in the Guinness Book as the fattest man. I am also happy to have lost 200 kilos,” Manuel Uribe, 41, told AFP.

Through a press release that I just made up, Moore was quoted as saying that “Manuel’s hard work to achieve the type of greatness of which I can only dream should be viewed as a tribute to all Mexican-Americans wherever they may be in the greater 48 states.”

“This proves, once and for all that we, as greedy Americans should immediately provide universal healthcare to all of Mexico and Central America as soon as possible,” Moore added.

Kos Sells Out

See what corporate sponsorship does? It makes you lose your edge. You sell your soul to the Suits and abandon your first love.

There has lately been an alarming rise in diaries and comments that seek to impugn (without evidence) the motives of those they disagree with on various issues.

Yes, there’s the impeachment stuff, but this nasty rhetoric is also rampant in the primary war diaries.

This points to a serious breakdown not just on civility, but in the ability of people to properly debate various issues. As such, it presents a serious threat to the integrity of this site.

Uh oh. Looks like the execs upstairs called and said, “we love ya kid, but you’ll have to mainstream your format a bit.”

So Markos, when you’re doing blow with Sean Penn and wonder what happened to that small town kid that spoke truth to power, when you’re pondering that emptiness you can’t shake even though you “have it all” think back to all those little, little angry people that had your back.

via Newsbusters and Ace.

Maryland Circuit Court Judge Sets Child Rapist Free, Laments Missed Opportunity

Maryland Circuit Court Judge Katherine Savage recently set a child rapist free because she was too busy downloading Melissa Etheridge MP3s to walk down to the community college and scare up an interpreter for her trial.

A 7-year-old girl said she had been raped and repeatedly molested over the course of a year. Police in Montgomery County, acting on information from a relative, soon arrested a Liberian immigrant living in Gaithersburg. They marshaled witnesses and DNA evidence to prepare for trial.

What was missing — for much of the nearly three years that followed — was an interpreter fluent in the suspect’s native language. A judge recently dropped the charges, not because she found that Mahamu Kanneh had been wrongly accused but because repeated delays in the case had, in her view, violated his right to a speedy trial.

Truly tragic, that.

“This is one of the most difficult decisions I’ve had to make in a long time,” Katherine D. Savage said from the bench Tuesday, noting that she was mindful of “the gravity of this case and the community’s concern about offenses of this type.”

Savage also noted (off the record) that she was sad that she never really got to know Mahamu. Perhaps it was just a tribal family custom, she added…

Kanneh was arrested in August 2004 after witnesses told police that he raped and repeatedly sexually molested the girl, a relative.

In a charging document, Detective Omar Hasan wrote that the girl “attempted to physically stop the behavior from the defendant, but was unsuccessful.” Hasan wrote that Kanneh threatened the young girl “with not being able to leave the apartment unless she engaged in sexual behavior with the defendant.”

Savage also lamented the fate of the 7-year-old girl. If the girl’s mother had exercised her right to choose, none of this bad publicity would have ever happened, she sighed.

Oh, and that interpreter? Maybe they shouldn’t have looked so hard after all. Then again, if the WaPo can find them in a day, so can anyone.

The trial date was extended repeatedly as the state and the defense argued over whether Kanneh needed an interpreter and whether he understood the legal proceedings. The state noted that Kanneh attended high school and community college in Montgomery and spoke to detectives in English. The defense insisted that he needed an interpreter to fully understand the proceedings.

With help from the National Association of Judiciary Interpreters and Translators, The Washington Post identified three Vai interpreters Thursday, including one in Gaithersburg. Lionbridge, a company that offers interpretation services, said it could provide Vai speakers on short notice. Knight said her office had been diligent. “It’s these rare languages we’re struggling with so much,” she said.

That other thing you’re struggling with so much? Human decency.

Shock Study: Memphis Has High Shoplifting Rate

In what will come as an absolute stunner to news hounds everywhere, Memphis’ shoplifting rate is as high as its murder, assault, rape and other assorted crime rates. Shock.

At quick glance, he looks innocent enough. Gray hair, wrinkled skin, and here he is shopping at a popular discount store.

Probably, he is someone’s kindly grandfather and he’s saved what little money he has to come buy a loved one’s birthday present.

But Memphis-area retailers and law enforcement have their own name for this man: “Grandpa Booster.”

“He steals DVDs, CDs, video games, and sells them — goes places where he can get cash real quick,” says Shelby County Sheriff’s Detective Dee Bowling of the suspected shoplifter.

Grandpa Booster – bringin’ it long and strong for my hometown.

Several years ago, the shoplifting problem grew severe enough here that Family Dollar considered leaving Memphis.

“Like in any urban environment, it’s a significant problem in Memphis,” says Scott Brown, regional loss supervisor for Family Dollar.

Significant enough in 2006 that Tennessee Bureau of Investigation data showed 5,834 shoplifting offenses in the city of Memphis, 2,974 offenses cleared, 2,570 adults arrested and 740 juveniles arrested.

But even more telling are 2005 FBI statistics that indicate Memphis has a worse shoplifting problem than much bigger cities, such as Los Angeles and Detroit.

According to FBI data and Census population estimates for 2005, Memphis reported 6,057 shoplifting offenses, or about 904 per 100,000 residents.

That compares to 69.6 shoplifting incidents per 100,000 residents in Detroit, which reported just 615 shoplifting offenses, according to the FBI; and Los Angeles, which had a shoplifting rate of 88.5 per 100,000 .

“I don’t know if some of that can be attributed to retailers not reporting (shoplifting) or not,” says April Harding, a Los Angeles Police Department spokesman. “I was on the streets 10 years and, believe it or not, we just didn’t get that many calls.”

Memphis has always been working hard to become the Detroit of the South – at least in one category, they’ve already passed the Motor City.

Those same 2005 FBI stats show the average dollar value of property stolen per shoplifting offense was $157. So Memphis thieves were, on average, stealing more than shoplifters in cities such as Fort Worth, Texas ($70), Indianapolis ($130), Nashville ($141) and Louisville ($142), but were behind their compatriots in Los Angeles ($195), Philadelphia ($226), Columbus, Ohio ($231) and Charlotte-Mecklenburg, N.C. ($233).

Memphis’ kids may not be much on book learnin’ but they know how to swipe the goods that will bring back some Benjamins. And that matters more than some whack-ass ACT score, dawg.

ABC Nightly News Biased – You Don’t Say

ABC News offered up this segment of a soldier’s-eye-view last week. I expect that network news is biased. However it was so stunningly obvious it was painful to watch.

My first clue things were going South was that this exclusive comes courtesy of the Guardian. A paper many in the U.S. wouldn’t know as extremely left-leaning.

Listen to the audio and play long with the checklist below. All caps indicates the the voice-over engaging in a heavy sigh for dramatic effect.

Let’s play, shall we?

Listen

  • A YEAR
     
  • An explosion at a bomb making factory. Neighbors, INCLUDING CHILDREN hit.
     
  • US Soldiers, only one of them a Medic, … [perhaps, “thankfully, one is a medic” would work too?]
     
  • … burning to death in a Bradley …
     
  • Searching for insurgents, they find only an old woman. (Watch her weep.)
     
  • … suspicious car. They order the driver to stop. When he doesn’t, they open fire.

    They try UNSUCCESSFULLY to revive him. … he was a taxi driver.


No one believes that war isn’t Hell and no one really believes it is a cakewalk.

I’m sure many of our service people are not having a good time there and, in the thick of it they must feel both frustration and anger.

Should ABC feature report that shows demoralized soldiers? Yes. To pretend that they don’t exist does a disservice to these individuals.

But from start to finish, this report is clearly pushing an anti-war agenda. Worse, they’re using our servicepeople to make that message. Martha Raddatz even came on afterwards to emphasize the agonizing difference between a 12 month and a 15 tour of duty. Her face was so contorted, I was sure either tears or a severe bowel movement was just around the corner.

Safety Lessons

Lesson One: Don’t whack a resting elephant.

BANGKOK, Thailand — An angry circus elephant in eastern Thailand grabbed a man who had provoked him and then stomped on him until he was fatally injured, police said Saturday.

Surat Kaenthip, a 30-year-old air conditioner repairman, had hit the six-year-old elephant while he was resting in an open field Friday in Rayong province, 90 miles east of Bangkok, said police Lt. Col. Thanit Saeniwong na Ayuddhaya.

“The elephant then grabbed the man’s body with his trunk and hurled him on to the ground before stomping on his body,” he said.

I believe this could also be filed under “Darwinism in Action”.

Rumors of Chinese Genital Size Greatly Underestimated

Forget what you’ve heard. The Chinese have ginormous testicles.

In a land where party officials and “princelings” engage in flexible ethics (hmm, not unlike our Senate, come to think about it), even a deadly lapse in product quality is a cause to blame America.

Problematic U.S. imports from China — including toxic ingredients mixed into pet food and recalls of toy trains and toothpaste — were isolated cases and “hardly avoidable” amid huge and rapidly growing bilateral trade, the statement said.

It is unfair and irresponsible for the U.S. media to single China out, play up China’s food safety problems and mislead the U.S. consumer,” it added.

Appealing for strengthened cooperation between Chinese and U.S. food inspection authorities, the statement urged Americans to “respect science and treat China’s food and drug exports fairly.”

Cause remember, even though the United States has made China wealthy with a questionable open trade arrangement, it is still the Enemy trying to keep the Yellow Man down.

Perhaps audacity ain’t just a city in China.

Your Friday Night Religion of Peace™ Update

Horrible details of yet another “honor killing”. They’ve really got to find another term for that.

LONDON (Reuters) – A Kurdish woman was brutally raped, stamped on and strangled by members of her family and their friends in an “honor killing” carried out at her London home because she had fallen in love with the wrong man.

Banaz Mahmod, 20, was subjected to the 2-1/2 hour ordeal before she was garroted with a bootlace. Her body was stuffed into a suitcase and taken about 100 miles to Birmingham where it was buried in the back garden of a house.

In response, countless London dhimmis proclaim diversity uber alles!

They believed Banaz had brought shame on the family by leaving her husband, an Iraqi Kurd she had been forced to marry at 17, and falling in love with Rahmat Suleimani, an Iranian Kurd.

Her former unnamed partner had raped her as well as repeatedly beating her, the court heard.

Hama, who prosecutors said had been a ringleader in the murder, was caught by listening devices talking to a friend in prison about the murder.

In the recordings, transcripts of which were relayed to the court, Hama and his friend are hearing laughing as he described how she was killed with Banaz’s uncle “supervising”.

“I was kicking and stamping on her neck to get the soul out. I saw her stark naked, only wearing pants or underwear,” Hama is recorded as saying.

This is the protected class that your Old Media wouldn’t dare say a harsh word about. I’m sure this is a rarity in the Religion of Peace™, isn’t it? Just another one of the Earth’s “Great Religions”, ‘eh Junior?

Thanks to #9 for the tip.

Cancer Lady Puts On The Pants Again for the Silky Pony

Elizabeth Edwards is again doing her wife’s husband’s dirty work. I hope she hangs around – she’s almost as entertaining as Theresa Heinz-al-Querry.

I’m sympathetic, because when I worked as a lawyer, I was the only woman in these rooms, too, and you want to reassure them you’re as good as a man. And sometimes you feel you have to behave as a man and not talk about women’s issues.

She’s (Hillary!) just not as vocal a women’s advocate as I want to see. John is.

What gave it away, Liz? Hillary’s lack of mammary glands or her massive penis?

And if anyone knows about womens’ issues – hair products, hair styles, contemporary fashion, this week’s Oprah lineup – it’s definitely the Silky Pony. On that we can wholefartedly agree.

Andy Dick?

Yes, apparently.

It was fight night at an L.A. comedy club last week when Jon Lovitz roughed up Andy Dick over the murder of their “Saturday Night Live” colleague, Phil Hartman.

Dennis Miller also got Lovitz on his show for a firsthand account. (7/17 archived show).

UPDATE:
Kind of related, Phil Hartman and a sooper brief Dennis Miller here. Nice memories too.