Your Magma Ran Over My Dogma

Is it too late to revoke Al Gore’s Nobel Prize? What if….I’m just saying…”what if”, the Earth’s eternally receding ice hairline is the Earth’s fault?

ScienceDaily (Dec. 18, 2007) — Scientists have discovered what they think may be another reason why Greenland ‘s ice is melting: a thin spot in Earth’s crust is enabling underground magma to heat the ice.

If Global Warming ™ isn’t man-made, then this is the secular equivalent of Nietzsche’s “god is dead”.

“The behavior of the great ice sheets is an important barometer of global climate change,” said Ralph von Frese, leader of the project and a professor of earth sciences at Ohio State University. “However, to effectively separate and quantify human impacts on climate change, we must understand the natural impacts, too.

“Crustal heat flow is still one of the unknowns — and it’s a fairly significant one, according to our preliminary results.”

Mother Earth’s just getting her crustal flow on yo but I don’t understand all that scientific jibber jabber. I need a certified scientician to break down how the planet works:

Below the crust is the mantle, the partially molten rocky layer that surrounds the Earth’s core. The crust varies in thickness, but is usually tens of miles thick. Even so, the mantle is so hot that temperatures just a few miles deep in the crust reach hundreds of degrees Fahrenheit, von Frese explained.

“Where the crust is thicker, things are cooler, and where it’s thinner, things are warmer.

So you mean to say that we’re living on a planet that’s like Pepperoni Hot Pocket in the microwave for ten minutes hot on the inside and that our crust simply acts as Nature’s Oven Mitt? And that it’s spinning around off-kilter like a retarded gyroscope?

This….this can’t be. If we can’t blame the temperature not being the exact same degree as it was last year by our Gregorian calendars, then how are we supposed to socially engineer the views of an aggrieved ecosecular fascist minority onto the developed countries of the world.

The solution is clear. We must freeze the Earth’s core. But how to get there?

To measure actual temperatures beneath the ice, scientists must drill boreholes down to the base of the ice sheet– a mile or more below the ice surface. The effort and expense make such measurements few and far between, especially in remote areas of northeast Greenland.

Silly eggheads. You bring your fancy Earthwhore Drill. We’ll bring the scotch and an icepick and see who gets there first.


  1. Jeepers, I came up with this theory a few years ago. Of course, being a numbskull and all, I thought I was being funny. Turns out I’m a visionary.

    By the way, a friend of mine actually spent Christmas in Iceland with his own wife a few years back. You can stand around in a steaming pond and sip John Walker Black until it squirts our your pores. Thats proof enough for me. Makes more sense than the CO2 blarney–CO2 is what .2000000000000000% of the atmosphere. Let’s go with it–pipe the heat down to the States–we’d still be energy dependent–but the source would be a normal guy named Sven instead of a wad named Abdul. We want more heat, we just bang on the pipe–instead of kissing some Arab’s buttock.

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