Month: March 2008

Livin’ on a Prayer

Boy, it’s non-stop excitement here in southern California’s bastion of wealth and excess. It seems that Bon Jovi rocker Richie Sambora cannot control his appetite for grandma’s cough (bad) medicine or underage girls as he was arrested for drunken driving last night in Laguna Beach (the “real” Orange County).

Wanted Dead or Alive

Ha! Does this guy look like the cool, rockin’ 80’s guitarist we remember so fondly or just some goofball who got too much sun on the beach?

The 49-year-old rock star, whose complete name is Richard Steven Sambora, was driving a black Hummer…

A gas-guzzling, air-polluting Hummer??? Wait a second! Aren’t Richie and the rest of the Bon Jovi crew some of Algore’s Concert-for-Climate-Change, Earth-love buddies? This can’t be accurate can it? I knew that he was a cowboy on the steel horse he rides, but the song never mentioned his world-class SUV.

…and was accompanied by three female companions, two of whom were minors…

Uh oh.. careful there Richie. You’ll end up in the slammer giving love a bad name. Perhaps they were just a couple of little runaways?

Washing – Society Made Me Do It

Also, cleanliness is a corporate scam pushed by a small cabal of soap manufacturers.

No really.

I guess most of us like to believe that showering – or bathing, for that matter – is about cleanliness. About getting rid of dirt and germs so as to maintain a high standard of personal hygiene and prevent the spread of disease.

At least that what they would have you believe.

It’s easy to make people, particularly housewives, feel guilty about their standards of hygiene – something the advertisers of soaps, detergents, disinfectants and cleaning products learnt a long time ago. So part of our obsession with cleanliness has been induced by clever marketing.

This confirms my theory that government also injected bacteria into our communities. The Bubonic Plague? Bishop Wrighte of Canterbury was all over it.


In the old days, if you got a bit sweaty you allowed the sweat to dry and thought nothing of it. These days, many people can’t rest until they’ve showered.

And then there’s underarm body odour. It’s completely and utterly natural, we all have it, but since the spread of deodorant we’ve convinced ourselves it’s offensive and a sign of ill-breeding.

I can tell by your completely natural odor that you have not bought into the Great Lie.

So, much of our incessant showering arises not from a desire to be clean but from a relatively modern desire not to have a smell. I suspect many people have a quite exaggerated notion of the extent to which they smell – or would smell if they didn’t take as many showers as they do.

Many of us feel a social obligation to maintain what we believe to be the prevailing standard of personal washedness. We’d feel guilty if we didn’t. But just how high that standard actually is, none of us know.

Yes, being avoided at all costs does make me feel marginalized.

Seeing as this is an economics writer in the business section of the Sydney Morning Herald, there has got to be a point to this. Right?

To all this, you may say, so what? What business is it of an economics writer, anyway? It’s a free country and an affluent one. If we choose to spend a little of our wealth on lots of showers, what of it? Surely it’s a pretty innocent vice.

Well, not as innocent as it was now we’re in the age of climate change. [insert foreboding music. I think it goes Dun Dun Duuun!] And, soon enough, not as cheap as it was. Before too long we’ll be paying a lot more for the water we use and for the electricity or gas with which we heat it.

(s/t Tim Blair)

Race and the Church

Here is yet another “controversial” Easter sermon.

You may not recognize the voice, but trust me, he’s famous all over Wilmington, Delaware. And his liberation theology will knock you on your tushie.

Give it a listen. It is only about 5 minutes and is like taking a shower after mucking through the gospel according to Rev. Wright.

No Blue Dress Required

The proof is in. Hillary Clinton is, as was long rumored, a human being. Thus, ending a once promising exodus into the terrestrial wasteland of electing the first extra-terrestrial President:

Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton has said she made a mistake in claiming that she came under sniper fire on a trip to Bosnia in the 1990s. “It proves I’m human,” she said in Pennsylvania ahead of the key primary election vote there on 22 April.

A DNA test could have proven that too. You do remember how a DNA test works, correct?

You just take your little blue dress to the lab and bingo-bango – Scientific Magic ™ happens.

This was ostensibly under the Beeb title “Clinton Admits Bosnia ‘Mistake'” .

Unfortunately, many people in this country aren’t ready to admit that bombing a sovereign, primarily Christian nation that did not have weapons of mass destruction and never attacked the U.S. in order help foster the al-Qaeda linked Kosovo Liberation Army to create a separate Islamic state might not have been the greatest idea.

No, that mistake won’t be getting an apology any time soon.

Race War

In the continuing battle of Arabs vs Jews, score one for the Jews. After perpetrating this savage bias crime against Rabbi Uria Ohana, 18-year-old Ali Hussein was struck by a car while stealing away with the Rabbi’s prized yarmulke.

I cannot help but think that this whole thing is a huge mistake. In actuality, I believe that the Rabbi was the victim of a chair to the back of the head by a former member of Devastation Incorporated who was crying out “Skandar Akhbar” in honor of the former kingpin.

Instead of prosecuting to the fullest extent of the law, he should be thanking his lucky kishka that he didn’t get the Camel Clutch.

The Church of the Poison Mind Webcast

All the jumping around and singing and a mere fraction of the cross-dressing Boy George.

I was going to liveblog the Rev. Jeremiah Wright’s “He Is Risen – To Speechify Shortly Beyond Retirement” tour at Trinity but the current speaker has informed their audience that they are afraid you know who is watching *wink, wink* (translation: me) so they are dropping the live webcast.

Thus upholding Jesus’ longstanding opposition to sunlight and transparency. Praise his hieroglyphically encrypted name.


Ok, they’re back.

They just had to “have a little family discussion” in private.

Most Aggressive Response to Illegal Immigration To Date

Leave it to the environmentally ecotarded and the law of unintended consequences:

A great white shark released from the Monterey Bay Aquarium six weeks ago has already swum past the southern tip of Mexico’s Baja peninsula — about 1,200 miles (1,930 kilometers) away.

Aquarium staff said the male shark’s migration is the fastest ever documented from Monterey to Mexico.

The shark was documented though. Perhaps with that additional paperwork it will speed his Path To Citizenship ™.

The mad seal poop shovelers of the Monterey Bay Aquarium cackled that they will release an additional Great White shark every hour, on the hour until Mexico starts enforcing their side of the border.

G.W. Shark

Si, se puede! 

Guys, I’m all for border control but this probably violates the Geneva Conventions or something.

Straight Up Gangsta, Wrong Reverend to Eff Wit

Let me start off this post by saying that if you have a problem with foul language that you should quit reading now. Having said that, I’m sure all members of Obama’s church can appreciate the foul-mouthed following.

Both Don Surber and Sweetness & Light are sitting in the pews this Sunday morning with Reverend Wright’s replacement. Seems Obama’s new spiritual selector needs one of Tipper Gore’s Parental Advisory Labels:

Parental Discretion Is Advised

Watch ya effin’ mouth in Sunday school, mother effa’

The new pastor at Barack Obama’s church used his first Easter sermon on Sunday to compare controversial Rev. Jeremiah Wright Jr. to Jesus’ death at the hands of the Romans.

Sunday’s sunrise sermon, delivered by Rev. Otis Moss III, was called “How to Handle a Public Lynching” and focused primarily on the media firestorm that has focused international attention on this Chicago ministry, which is the church attended by the Democratic presidential candidate.

Moss did not directly mention his spiritual mentor by name, but implied to the congregation at Trinity United Church of Christ that Wright, who has delivered sermons in which he likened the U.S. to the Ku Klux Klan and said it is damned for its state-sponsored terrorism, is facing the same challenges Jesus did.

“No one should start a ministry with lynching, no one should end their ministry with lynching. The lynching was national news. The RNN, the Roman News Network, was reporting it and NPR, National Publican Radio had it on the radio. The Jerusalem Post and the Palestine Times all wanted exclusives, they searched out the young ministers, showed up unannounced at their houses, tried to talk with their families, called up their friends, wanted to get a quote on how do you feel about the lynching?” he said.


“If I was Ice Cube I’d say it a little differently — You picked the wrong folk to mess with,” Moss said to an enthusiastic congregation, standing up during much of the sermon.

Let’s set aside that laughable hyperbole about NPR being Rightwing Republican Radio for a moment. Or the blasphemy of comparing the bigoted Rev. Wright to Black Jesus on Easter.

It pounds funky ass bass lines to Barack Obama’s character that his church, who he has no intention of throwing under the bus like his white granny, considers NPR and CNN as being too far to the right for them. Or that what has happened to Wright constitutes a lynching. Whitey just ain’t forming posses like he used to.

But let’s check out his musical selection for a second.

He references the perpetually, forehead wrinkled Ice Cube as “you picked the wrong folk to mess with”. Of course Cube wasn’t speaking to the church. His particular phraseology was that “you picked the wrong n-word (sic) to eff (sic) wit“.

G*d damn, it’s a brand new payback
From the straight gangsta mack in straight gangsta black
How many m*th*rf*ck*rs gotta pay
Went to the shelf and dusted off the AK

Caps gotta get pealed
Cause “the n*gga ya love to hate still can “kill at will”

Lawdy, lawdy. Is this the Easter Sunday sermon Rev. Otis has been polishing like the chrome on his 20 inch spinners and the clip in his 9mm? But there’s more to that song reference that I’m sure both he and his predecessor would agree:

F*ck amerikkka, still with the triple k
Cause you know when my nine goes pop

It ends, somewhat expectedly, with a fantasy about copkilling and “kentucky fried crackers” but you get the point.

Meet the new Reverend. Same as the old Reverend.


Huh, An American Flag draped over a dead body with a toe tag that says “Uncle Sam” on it. Wonder if that’s the same thing as Granny worried about being clobbered over the head for loose change by a bum. A fear that typical white people have bred into them or so I’ve heard.

This must be some more of that “nuance” from The Greatest Speech In The History Of Speeches Ever that I missed.

Pac Your (Dime) Bags, Bizzle

Citing their legendary off-the-field player personal development program, the moral titans of Dallas are thinking about putting five on a twenty-sack of Pac-Man Jones. Hit this:

The Cowboys are $3.9 million under the salary cap, and Jones is scheduled to earn a base salary of $1.292 million whenever he returns to the field.

Jones, 24, is scheduled to become a free agent following the 2009 season. A source said Jones is willing to renegotiate his contract at a lower salary to accommodate a team willing to sign him.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said he will review Jones’ suspension before training camps open in July.

But Arora would like to speed up the process because he doesn’t want a team with needs at cornerback to draft one without taking a serious look at Jones.

Don’t get me wrong. We have had a lot of fun with Pac-Man over the years. From his initial holdout and pouting sessions, immediately followed by what would appear (to the untrained eye) to be a habit of just, doggoneit, being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Good luck to the Cowgirls in their negotiations for this, heretofore, untapped well of talent. They said they wanted a “Wow” factor going into this next season and I can think of nothing that that wows your opponent more than facing off against a dope pushing corner wearing a GPS ankle bracelet with the batteries torn out, an orange jumpsuit sticking out from under his jersey, and having close ties to the coke trade, attempted murderer who can turn any gentlemen’s club into The Wild Bunch, and who has a penchant for biting police officers, threatening reporters, or punching strippers in the face for picking the money that he threw at them.

What? You thought that money was for you?

Wow, indeed.  I can’t wait to see Big D’s collar around the neck of this rabid dog. Make sure Tony Romo’s got his shots.

Again I say, don’t tease me bro.

Woof, woof.

I Want To Be Your “Look To The Cookie” Candidate

The Gettysburg Address was 257 words. The Obamessiah’s “I, Too, Have A Dream, Also As Well” 8th grade forensics entry to the “Unity” theme competition clocks in just under 4,790 words.

I’m just sayin’.

That’s a lotta jibberjabber to crucible down to “we have a historic opportunity to heal if you vote for me“. And that “we shouldn’t be concerned with racial divides when we should be consumed by class war”.

Look to the cookie, everyone. It holds the key.

Look To The Cookie

Look at it. It disturbs some of you, doesn’t it?

“Visualize World Piece” Update : If multicultural cookies can bridge the racial divide, please God,  let the gender war be decided with cream pies.

cream pie


Studies Show

In light of yet another study showing the superiority of “liberal” thinking, a new study shows that people become less racist – and therefore more liberal as they grow older.

Here is the recent crop of other reports coming out of the Universities this year. The results might not surprise you.

Study: Columbia – Problem Solving – Flexibility
Two groups were identified by their voter registrations. The two groups, labeled Conservative and Liberal were placed in a focus group and presented with problems that seemed intractable.

For example, each group was posed with a question; if a person who you held in high esteem were proven to be guilty of an action which this person condemned, what would you do?

Conservatives tended to quickly demand that this person “step down” or “resign immediately”. The Liberal control group quickly found solutions that demonstrated creative problem solving skills.

One “liberal” respondent probed ideas such as “ideas that transcend” personal actions. Others found novel ways to find equivilence and justification.

Conservatives struggle with non-standard solutions to problems. Liberals tend to be creative and willing to explore “flexible” concepts like postmodernism. Their willingness to embrace “greater truths” that are not encumbered by patricharchal “gods” clearly frees them to solve problems better than the rigid “conservative” thinking.

Study: Amherst – Giving
Study participants were each given $100 dollars and instructed to perform a charitable act with it. In short order, two distinct groups emerged. One group simply gave the money away to charitable organizations or directly to individuals in need. The other group formed a “collective” and tried to coerce the funds from the other group. As such, they were able to collect a sum greater than each individual’s initial $100. Eighty percent of the participants in this group were able to preserve their own initial investment. Of the $4,300 collected, only 65% was kept for speaking fees and “awareness events”.

Conservatives struggle with non-standard solutions to problems. Liberals tend to be creative and willing to explore “community” concepts like collectivism, social programs.

Study: Princeton – Self Expression
In dealing with day-to-day issues such as transgender rights, global warming and the line at grocery store express lane, two groups were observed and measured by three criteria; coping skills under stress, verbal expression and level of intensity.

Not suprisingly, the group that self-identified as “liberal” seemed much more motivated and passionate. More creative responses were measured by the “liberal” respondents when told that they had 20 items in a 12 items or less line. The absence of obscenities on the part of the “conservative” group also indicated an inability for “out of the box” thinking. Further, the passion displayed by one liberal subject when berating the Pakistani shop owner about his use of plastic bags displayed initiative that the “conservative” group lacked.

Conservatives struggle with non-standard solutions to problems. Liberals tend to be creative and willing to explore solutions beyond “verbal expression” and into “direct action” such as protests and arson. Conservatives on the other hand constantly relied on the excuse of having a “day job”.

Study: UC Berkeley – Square Pegs
In a study of 242 students divided into groups classified as “conservative” or “liberal”, it was consistently shown that conservative leaning students put the round pegs in the round holes and tended to shun the square pegs which wouldn’t fit. Liberal students on the other hand, found creative ways to ram, cram or fist the square pegs into the holes. In fact, it didn’t matter whether the holes themselves were round or square. One enterprising student in the Liberal group actually felt he had no choice but to put the round peg into another round peg.

Conservatives struggle with non-standard solutions to problems. Liberals tend to be creative and willing to explore alternatives, being unbound by concepts like “squareness” or outmoded thinking paradigms which imply that pegs and holes are somehow complimentary.