The Twelve Days Of Christmas: Call of Duty – Slack Ops

12 days of christmasHey, kids!  It’s that time of year again.  The one where I’m dreaming of a White Christmas.  And nothing is whiter to me than every liberal I’ve ever met.  They can be so difficult to shop for though.

With that in mind, let’s pull out this year’s list of “Who’s Been Nietzsche and Who’s Been Nice?” to see what handout Santa’s going to leave them for Winter Solstice.

On the heels of Call of Duty’s 7 million copy launch earlier this month, Koch Industries in cooperation with InActivision have cut their palms with a KA-BAR and sworn a blood oath (while slicing limes on the 19th hole) to bring us their most overambitious and underqualified game to date:

 

Call of Duty:  Slack Ops

Call of Duty - Slack Ops
On Wii, Ennui: Will Obama be able to finish 18 holes in time to hold the 38th parallel?

Use pitch, draw and don’t forget SPIN to turn what is traditionally a lazy man’s pastime into your foreign policy legacy.

Realistic gameplay lets you be the POTUS. When North Korea launches a sneak attack on an ally’s civilians, you are forced to reckon with 18 Holes to avert Nuclear Holocaust starting off with a brutal par 5 where you must negotiate a harrowing sand trap after the first dog leg.  If we can’t get back to the clubhouse by nightfall, a tersely worded letter to the U.N. won’t get drafted in time!

So Real Even Your Ratings Will Plummet: Use the crowd control feature to whip-up or settle down a fawning press corps.  Camo’d cameo announcers Chris Mathews, Andrea Mitchell, Katie Couric and Brian Williams report from the rough (terrain of their New York /D.C.studios) to give you the play-by-play commentary and your Wii controller’s leg adapter unleashes our patented vibrating Tingle ™ Technology.  Don’t get distracted by how awesome you are. You’ve still got to compose that meeting request with your Cabinet so you can draft that letter!

Unlock hidden missions! It’s a game inside of the game.  After being rebuffed from Chinese diplomats, you are forced to enter into a deadly game of pick-up basketball.  Will Robert Gibbs get picked last?    Use Obama’s natural tendency to bow as you reach in to steal the ball and hog it until the shot clock runs down.  You only have minutes left before you can draft that text message to your assistant so she can schedule that meeting request with your Cabinet and hold a quorum on that letter you were thinking about writing when everybody was still mad about that thing that happened – before The Final Buzzer.

And whatever you do, watch out for those elbows!

2 comments on “The Twelve Days Of Christmas: Call of Duty – Slack Ops

  1. I was already laughing my ass off when you hit me with the “hidden missions”.

    “Will Robert Gibbs get picked last”?

    Heh.

    At least we know Napolitano gets picked to play power forward…

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