Twelve Days of Christmas: Lame Duck Session “Spielberg Variety Pack”

Well, the Twelve Days are officially over.  If by “over”, you mean that we heard the voice of the American people in the last election but the clock is already out and we’re still cramming our agenda down your throat.  Still, sometimes you realized you forgot something on Christmas morning.

To that end, everybody loves a 2-pak. No, not the one with the bulletholes in him (though I ain’t got nuttin but love for ya homie) who doesn’t get anymore Christmases – but the kind you can still overnight from Amazon in time to claim it got delayed by shipping and that you’re not a thoughtless lout.

Thankfully, Steven Spielberg has decided to focus his Industrial, Light & Magic on his greatest special effects project to date.  Namely, re-branding the Democrats from being punished for their success.  It’s all about the optics, A-holes.  Keep telling yourself that.

Optics with 5.1 Dolby in Anamorphic Widescreen 2.35:1!

Richard Trumka is in a race against time in search of the Lost Gold of Jimmy Hoffa.   Thanks to a government subsidy and a supporting cast from the Screen Actor’s Guild, the AFL-CIO, the Las Vegas Culinary Institute and Working for Change – they’ll kill any disorganized, crumbsnatching boogerpickers who get in their way.  “Union goon” always sounds so harsh, but Trumka and his buddies aren’t goons at all – they’re Goonies!

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It all seemed like a dream in 1982.  At the peak of his powers, Spielberg held the mirror of our cruel sense of humanity in our faces as Elliot gave a handout of Reese’s Pieces to the world’s favorite illegal alien.  The foreign, diseased menace hopped into the basket of a bicycle and pedaled his way to sweet foreign freedom in the shadow of the moon with the underage teen.

But like every other “self-deporting” alien, he’s back.  And this time, he’ll capture our hearts as he captures his green card.  He is, E.T. – the Extwa Tewwestwial:

A repeal of DADT has cleared the way for E.T. to get his citizenship so it’s off to bootcamp as Steven Spielberg in no way, shape or form intends to help Nancy Pelosi from looking like she wants to sell-out unemployed Americans during The Second Great Depression by offering free college educations and citizenship to illegal aliens.

Barney Frank stars in the role he was born to play.  Frank re-teams with the hit director fresh off their success in the straight to DVD sci-fi cult classic, Close Encounters of the Turd Kind.

Experience the pride and movie magic again as E.T. flashes his photo ID for a government discount to Fire Island and his glowing middle finger to Red America’s backwards values while on shore leave.  Rekindle the awe-inspiring innocence of your youth as E.T. phones homo.

Coming Soon from The Spielberg Collection

– Scheduled Release March 2010:  Years of plastic surgery have left the most powerful woman in the free world horribly disfigured as she assumes Speaker of the House.  You’ll experience true terror as Spielberg digitally spackles over God’s mistakes in “Jaws”.

-  He’s on a bike wearing a helmet, he’s on a surfboard, er, wearing a helmet, he’s eating a hamburger while wearing a helmet!  There’s no telling where you’re going to find President Obama where he’s not wearing a helmet as Tom Hanks plays a tenacious congressional investigator tracking down the President to ask him why a federal case against voter intimidation was dismissed after it was already won in “Catch Me If You Can”.  You’d be surprised what some people can get away with by forging a few documents.  Release date:  Fall 2011

One comment on “Twelve Days of Christmas: Lame Duck Session “Spielberg Variety Pack”

  1. Brian, your elocutionary talents should be displayed at “the next level”. Another chunk of Paladium mined from the a$$ coal of our Lib-tard foes. This gets the “FWD: All” selection from me today.

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