Month: May 2011

Six Meat Buffet Movie Reviews for your Nextflix Queue

If you are enjoying this Memorial Day Cranky style, and by that I mean holed up indoors in a fashion that makes Ted Kaczynski uneasy, let me humbly share my cheers and jeers from the free instant queue. Due to the ennui, each review will be limited to five words.

Daybreakers – Corporations are the real bloodsuckers.

Grown ups – Rock, Sandler, James, Spade – wasted.

Cop Out – Buddy film with no buddies.

Kick Ass – Awesomely clever, fun child endangerment.

Predator 2 – No steroids for you, Danny.

Legion – Whoa, what Bible says that?

RoboCop – Campy action never gets old.

Leaders Not Lawyers

The Heritage Foundation blog has a prescient post up on our need to abandon the new START treaty.   Which can only mean that IWon will double down on doing the wrong thing in the very near future.

You know START?!?  Everybody loves the start of something.  Almost as much as re-STARTing something that you can blame the previous guy for STOPPING.  Stopping is bad.  When you stop something it doesn’t progress anymore.  And progress is always good.


Long story short:  Bush withdrew from a treaty with the USSR because the USSR had ceased to exist and made a formal declaration of it.  Pooty Poot didn’t like that.   That smarts.  Not smart like Smart Diplomacy or anything.  Smarts like feewings got hurt that needs kissies to make it better.

In strolls Comrade Obama all glad smiles and reset buttons!

Tell you what, Comrades.  That Bush was a typical, white SOB.  Not at all like you crackers in the struggle of haves vs. have-nots.

Whaddaya say the U.S. abandon our missile defense for our allies in Poland, who helped tremendously in Iraq, and after you assassinated all of their leaders in a 2010 plane crash to commemorate the Russian massacre of their people?  And hey, damn that Wikileaks for exposing that I secretly planned to throw in some privileged information about British missile defense who I’m still scheming to payback for my dreamy Kenyan father’s pains under colonial rule.

Come on, guys.  What do I have to do to get you into a new START treaty?

How about look the other way when Putin overthrows Medvedev and finally drops the democratic facade while strapping the US into a no-win international obligation that robs us of our defense, betrays our allies and passes on all of our secrets to our enemies?

Because that’s just classic Obama.  Wrong on everything and then double down.

But, but, but – we’ll have a meaningless piece of paper!  Maybe we can hold it over our heads when the bombs start dropping.


The Old Man And The C (I.A. Prison)

Whither thou, young Hemingway.  The world’s smallest sitar plays for you.

Father of the Year, Frank Lindh, still doing a bang-up job.

Proud Papa Frank Lindh, whose diseased loin sprang forth the American Taliban, has a full page op-ed in the New York Times today lamenting why his son has not been similarly sprung from the womb of a federal penitentiary upon Osama Bin Laden’s premature evacuation of this living world.  As Mr. Lindh is an attorney, he is so highly learned that he cannot distinguish the crimes of Osama bin Laden from those of his son.

So, upon the death of bin Laden, his son should be free as a bird.  Right?

Like Ernest Hemingway during the Spanish Civil War, John had volunteered for the army of a foreign government battling an insurgency. He thought he could help protect Afghan civilians against brutal attacks by the Northern Alliance warlords seeking to overthrow the Taliban government. His decision was rash and blindly idealistic, but not sinister or traitorous. He was 20 years old.

We’ll linger on the “20 year old” part in a moment.  But like Hemingway, the younger Lindh joined those idealistic Taliban in fighting off those Nazi Afghan warlords and to inure those poor, Afghan civilians’ throats to the loving strangle of the Taliban.  If ever there was a moment to mind you’re own effing business, this Old Man in the CIA prison never took advantage.

Before 9/11, the Bush administration was not hostile to the Taliban; barely four months before the attacks it gave $43 million in humanitarian aid to Afghanistan. There was nothing treasonous in John’s volunteering for the Afghan Army in the spring of 2001. He had no involvement with terrorism.

Just this last week, one of our nation’s eternal embarrassments – Jimmy Carter – called us “human rights violators” for not giving aid to North Korea despite their repeated violations of sanctions.  Does us providing humanitarian aid to North Korea, or Iraq under Saddam Hussein or any shithole in the world carry the import of our endorsement of the regime in power?  This is more than disingenuous.  It is, in fact, a damnable lie that the Bush administration gave its blessing to the Taliban so that Failure Frank can lay down his own suppressing fire for Jihad Johnny.  The Times editors know this and chose to keep it.

If this is the new standard then we should immediately cease and desist all humanitarian aid to every country whose leader is not as pure as the driven snow.

I was stunned when I learned that John had gone to Afghanistan. It wasn’t our fight; he put himself in harm’s way without his parents’ approval. He did not go into Afghanistan alone; he took his family with him, and we all have suffered for his impulsive choice.

Does a 20 year old need permission from their parents anymore to do anything?  I realize Mr. Lindh says he is an attorney so I’ll trust him on that.  Hopefully, he’s also aware that the same laws provide Taliban Johnny with the free choice to make his own decisions also mean that we don’t get to prosecute him as the father since Young John’s defects clearly lie with the manufacturer.  And shouldn’t he bear some civil and financial responsibility for putting out this defective product without a warning label that ended up killing others?

Now that Bin Laden is dead, I hope President Obama, and the American people, can find it in their hearts to release John, and let him come home. Ten years is enough.

Ten years for his running guns for the Taliban and staying silent when being questioned by the CIA Agents who were murdered in the riot he could have alerted them about is not long enough.  He deserves to be shot at dawn every morning.

Look deep into my heart.   No.

This month a two tour Iraq War veteran was shot 60 times in his own home by his own government while your piece of shit is kept safe from harm at US taxpayer expense to continue practicing the diseased religion that threatened the life of the former.  If ever we were able to trade the two.

Mike Spann is still unavailable for comment. Though I’d hope the Times could find the balls to let his father respond in a full-page OpEd.  We already know the answer to that one though.

Just like we know the entire transcript of the conversation between Spann and Lindh shortly before the riot that he could have alerted them to.  He sided in silence in favor of the Taliban after September 11th.  He should have been executed on the spot.

The World Goes On. We Do Not.

Thank God the Harold Camping jokes are almost over. They’ve been rare, if non-existent, here and I thank everyone for that.

To that end, Mr. Camping got people talking about their faiths in the living rooms of their neighbors and the eye-rolling, gallows humor of the rare few with jobs left.  Singing along to Camping’s Jonathan Edwards cover band.

If it takes the imminent threat of eternal damnation to change the way you treat your fellow man then your faith’s credibility ranks somewhere near Camping’s clairvoyance.

The man’s almost dead.  I’m sure he thought he would be dead before this date came and went.  When I was 20, I thought I would be dead by 25.  It’s why we drink.  It’s why we smoke.   It’s not that we think we’re indestructible.  It’s that we’re painfully aware of how vulnerable we are to a nihilistic degree.

Camping’s no different than Al Gore and the Hot Earthers.  I thought all the coastal cities were supposed to be modern day Atlantises by now!  How many passes does this guy get?  An armada of polar bears on ice floes should be threatening invasion of Southern California by now.

This planet hates us.  The story of human history starts with our adaptation and conquest of it and then each other.  Every once in a while, it reminds us that we don’t control it.  So quit trying.  You can’t balance a budget, quit telling us that you can manage a tilted spinning mudball with a Happy Fun Ball center.  And quit pretending you’re any different than some nut with a shock of white hair waiving a bible at us and telling us that we’re all doomed if we don’t repent and by $50 LED bulbs.

By my count, Camping’s been an amateur compared to how much money the environmental movement has looted from the Treasury.  At least his followers were given a choice.

Is This Country Worth Saving?

I have my doubts.  For those who are still disgusted by the perpetually going-off-half-cocked behavior of Arizona Sheriff Clarence Dupenik, who blamed right-wing radio for a paranoid schizophrenic Democrat shooting Gabby Giffords, it’s of no comfort that his pre-meditated murder (and subsequent cover-up) of a two tour Iraqi War veteran in his own home will be applauded by the allegedly conservative Justices Roberts, Alito, Scalia &  Thomas:

A Tucson, Ariz., SWAT team defends shooting an Iraq War veteran 60 times during a drug raid, although it declines to say whether it found any drugs in the house and has had to retract its claim that the veteran shot first.

And the Pima County sheriff scolded the media for “questioning the legality” of the shooting.

Jose Guerena, 26, died the morning of May 5. He was asleep in his Tucson home after working a night shift at the Asarco copper mine when his wife, Vanessa, saw the armed SWAT team outside her youngest son’s bedroom window.

“She saw a man pointing at her with a gun,” said Reyna Ortiz, 29, a relative who is caring for Vanessa and her children. Ortiz said Vanessa Guerena yelled, “Don’t shoot! I have a baby!”

Yes, it’s an isolated incident.  Not nearly as isolated as we would like to believe. But the revolutionary disrespect for the Fourth Amendment from Rookie SWAT/Hired Murderer #1 all the way to Supreme Court Chief Justice makes me question my continued citizenship.  We’ve got to expect the murder of a few innocent eggs to make our Drug War omelet and if they were innocent after all – well, fuck it.  Don’t you dare have the temerity to question the policy.  After all, who do you think you are?  A free person in a country that respects your right to life, secure in your personal property or to pursue your individual happiness?

Grow up.

When you no longer have a right to defend yourself from someone anonymously and violently breaking into your home, you’re no longer in America anyway.

What? You’re still here?

I know I am, so either I’ve really disappointed Lord Jesus, or another Armageddon crackpot left thousands of followers with the dismal prospect of having to show up for work on Monday.

Well, I’m pretty sure number one is true but this time I’m going with the latter.

I am of course talking about the second end-of-days-absolutely-for-real-I’ve-got-the-math-to-prove-it prediction from Harold Camping. Look, we believers really ought to live like He will return tomorrow. However the absurdity of holding to a specific date is not only contrary what Jesus himself said, but doubly ridiculous considering that this is his second attempt given with a straight face.

For Camping, the morning after should be as embarrassing as one after an Ecstasy and vodka fueled rave in a SoHo tranny bar. But it won’t be. Instead the aftermath, for many will be a deep disappointment.

Wohlberg said the Bible does not give a date for the end of the world and Camping’s system for determining the date is based on “speculation” that’s a mixture of truth and fiction.

As a result, he “makes Christians out to be a laughing stock.”

So why do people seem to believe him?

“He’s very charismatic,” Wohlberg said. Plus, “the climate that we’re living in with so many things happening in the world lends itself to people believing something is going to happen.”

The author of “The Rapture Delusions” also argues that “human beings are gullible.”

Unfortunately, when Sunday, May 22, comes and the world has not ended, Wohlberg fears the worst.

“There’s a danger [his followers are] going to be disillusioned with the Bible,” he said. “They are going to give up on God and the Bible and throw in the towel.”

The End Times and new secular apocalypses, such as global warming, nuclear winter, ozone holes, have held the fascination of countless people throughout history. I’m just fascinated by the people who are waiting for anything to pin their fears onto.

As May 21 drew nearer, followers say donations grew, allowing Family Radio to spend millions of dollars on more than 5,000 billboards and 20 RVs plastered with the doomsday message. In 2009, the nonprofit reported in IRS filings that it received $18.3 million in donations, and had assets of more than $104 million, including $34 million in stocks or other publicly traded securities.

Marie Exley, who helped put up apocalypse-themed billboards in Israel, Jordan, Lebanon and Iraq, said the money helped the nonprofit save as many souls as possible. She said she and her husband, mother and brother planned to stay glued to the television Friday night in Bozeman, Montana for news of an earthquake in New Zealand.

Well, we caught a break in the rain this morning so I am going out to mow the overgrown lawn before it turns into a jungle.

The New Blacklist – Criticizing Obama From The Left

It has finally come to this. The controversial and sometimes deplorable Ted Rall is speaking out about being black balled (can I say that? Is it racist? Too much, Mr. Matthews?) for attacking Obama with the same intensity he had for Bush.

This is a “read the whole thing” article, but here are some of the juicy bits:

In the late 1990s my cartoons ran in Time, Fortune and Bloomberg Personal magazines and over 100 daily and alternative weekly newspapers. I was a staff writer for two major magazines.

Then Bush came in. And 9/11 happened.

The media gorged on an orgy of psychotic right-wing rhetoric. Flags everywhere. Torture suddenly OK. In a nation where mainstream political discourse was redefined between Dick Cheney on the right and libertarian Bill Maher on the not-as-right, there wasn’t any room in the paper for a left-of-center cartoonist. My business was savaged. Income plunged.

McCarthyism–blackballing–made a big comeback. I had been drawing a monthly comic strip, “The Testosterone Diaries,” for Men’s Health. No politics. It was about guy stuff: dating, job insecurity, prostate tests, that sort of thing. They fired me. Not because of anything I drew for them. It was because of my syndicated editorial cartoons, which attacked Bush and his policies. The publisher worried about pissing off right-wingers during a period of nationalism on steroids.

Desperate and going broke, I called an editor who’d given me lots of work at the magazines he ran during the 1990s. “Sorry, dude, I can’t help,” he replied. “You’re radioactive.”

I don’t agree that a great national tide moved the media rightward , but Rall’s point is that post-9/11 he became too toxic for mainstream publications.

And here’s where it gets ugly

It was tempting, when Obama’s Democrats swept into office in 2008, to think that the bad old days were coming to an end. I wasn’t looking for any favors, just a swing of the political pendulum back to the Clinton years when it was still OK to be a liberal.

I didn’t count on the cult of personality around Barack Obama.

It feels a little weird to write this, like I’m telling tales out of school and ratting out the Vast Left-Wing Conspiracy. But it’s true: there’s less room for a leftie during the Age of Obama than there was under Bush.

I didn’t realize how besotted progressives were by Mr. Hopey Changey.

Sure this is nothing a reader of right-of-center bloggers would call new information. But we’re hearing this from Ted Freakin’ Rall!

I appreciate political humor and especially cartoons (check out the sidebar link to Pookies cartoons if you need proof) and have thought Rall to be at the very least honest and consistent and damned funny at his best.

All that to say, I share his disgust and amazement that there is a concerted media effort to build a temple around Obama. For crying out loud, if he can’t mock Obama, one cannot be surprised that no one gets a fair chance to criticize the One.


I was merciless to Obama. I was cruel in my criticisms of Obama’s sellouts to the right. In my writings and drawings I tried to tell it as it was, or anyway, as I saw it. I thought–still think–that’s my job. I’m a critic, not a suck-up. The Obama Administration doesn’t need journalists or pundits to carry its water. That’s what press secretaries and PR flacks are for.

Other censors are brazen.

Now there’ s a new cause for refusal: Too tough on the president.

I’ve heard that from enough “liberal” websites and print publications to consider it a significant trend.

A sample of recent rejections, each from editors at different left-of-center media outlets:

· “I am familiar with and enjoy your cartoons. However the readers of our site would not be comfortable with your (admittedly on point) criticism of Obama.”

· “Don’t be such a hater on O and we could use your stuff. Can’t you focus more on the GOP?”

· “Our first African-American president deserves a chance to clean up Bush’s mess without being attacked by us.”

I have many more like that.

What’s weird is that these cultish attitudes come from editors and publishers whose politics line up neatly with mine. They oppose the bailouts. They want us out of Afghanistan and Iraq. They disapprove of Obama’s new war against Libya. They want Obama to renounce torture and Guantánamo.

Rall concludes with this gem:

“So what should I think about [the war in Libya]?,” asks Kevin Drum in Mother Jones. “If it had been my call, I wouldn’t have gone into Libya. But the reason I voted for Obama in 2008 is because I trust his judgment. And not in any merely abstract way, either: I mean that if he and I were in a room and disagreed about some issue on which I had any doubt at all, I’d literally trust his judgment over my own. I think he’s smarter than me, better informed, better able to understand the consequences of his actions, and more farsighted.”

Can you image (you probably don’t have to, but I’m too lazy to Google for it), what this journalist had to say about Bush’s judgement on, oh I don’t know, going into Iraq? Equivalent executive actions, 150% different reaction from someone who chose supposedly to bring their intelligence and reason to the public forum.

Maybe, doubtfully but said with sincere hope, Mr. Rall will find that he has been mugged by reality and that liberalism left him.

The Phoenix Suns: World Champions (Of Grievance Group Politics)

If you’ll recall last season, the Phoenix Suns went out of their way to cry like babies about Arizona’s “controversial” immigration bill. The reality is that the bill only sought to enforce laws that are already on the Federal books, but bothersome facts like that are irrelevant when there is political hay to be made by drooling idiots.

Now El Presidente de Los Suns has come out of the closet, because it’s not enough to have cornered the black and hispanic markets.

Phoenix Suns president and CEO Rick Welts, in an effort to breach what he sees as the tiptoed-around topic of homosexuality in men’s team sports, recently met with friends, associates and a newspaper reporter to reveal he is gay.

Welts, believed to be the first man in a prominent position in men’s sports who has declared his homosexuality, says he wants to now mentor other gay people who seek to pursue a career in sports, according to The New York Times.

Such a show of bravery is remarkable, considering the anti-gay slant of both the mainstream sports and entertainment industries. Oh wait….

The 58-year-old Welts, who began his career as a ball boy for the Seattle SuperSonics, spent several years with Stern in the league office.

Okay, that one was just for fun.

“I’m happy for Rick because I think it takes a ton of weight off his shoulders,” Gentry added. “I’m glad for him because it puts him in a more relaxed state. Do I look at him any differently or judge him any differently? Not in a million years. I’ve dealt with Rick for the last seven years and he’s a great CEO and a great person.”

I am glad that it’s a weight off his shoulders. I know how important it is for me to let the world know what I do with my genitals. Perhaps one day, I’ll let the media in on my own bizarre practices so I can join Rick’s elite, yet somehow crowded, club.

Cookie Monster

I like coupes. Two doors and six cylinders is my simple automotive mantra for attaining vehicular Nirvana. That’s why I was wish-listing on the Interwebs last night with Infinity G37 Coupe*.

While surfing this morning I see this Google ad (note the first link).

So I conducted a little Thought Exercise, I deleted the cookies and refreshed the page. Yep, we are being profiled.

No one, least of whom me, should be surprised by this. I just find the technology both fascinating and creepy as hell.

Another interesting point is that I used Bing** last night. Yet the result came up through Google ads.

* If you’re curious, the car is nearly $40k. As mentioned earlier, it’s a wish list.

** Sergy Brin’s smug disregard for privacy is sometimes enough for me to embrace Bill Gate’s smug regard for monopolistic business practices.

Transparency for Thee, Not for Me

Your Time to Divest From Facebook Is Now.

Realizing, of course, that your information is the asset.  Given freely and with no hopes of ever concealing it.  Your real name, your hometown, every medical issue you’ve ever discussed, every old flame you’ve ever looked up, every opinion on every issue and your Zynga poker strategy to boot – handed over to an untouchable, Democrat sociopath:

For years, Mark Zuckerberg, the chief executive of Facebook, has extolled the virtue of transparency, and he built Facebook accordingly.


“Having two identities for yourself is an example of a lack of integrity,” Mr. Zuckerberg has said.

Now, Facebook is being taken to task for trying to conceal its own identity as it sought to coax reporters and technology experts to write critical stories about the privacy implications of a search feature, Social Circle, from its rival, Google.

Transparency for thee, not for me it seems.  The Founding Fathers of this country understood perfectly the role of anonymity and I would rely on their 200+ year old integrity against Zuckerburg and his ilk any day of the week.

I was always reluctant to ever open a Facebook account and never fully embraced it. But hey, everybody’s doing it.  And if everybody’s doing it…that’s a lot of guys doing it*.

You’re faced with handing over not just your content but a map of everyone you know (home, work, church, other)  to someone who ostensibly hates you and has the ability to use it against you.  That I cannot stomach.  I don’t go to movies or buy the music of people who openly express contempt of my values.  Why should this be any different?  This isn’t to say that I’m so self-centered that I think a multi-billion dollar corporation is after me.  It just could if it wanted to and I don’t have to be the one to give it the ammunition.

It’s the Disclose Act on a personal level.

In a statement issued Thursday, Facebook said: “We wanted third parties to verify that people did not approve of the collection and use of information from their accounts on Facebook and other services for inclusion in Google Social Circles. We engaged Burson-Marsteller to focus attention on this issue, using publicly available information that could be independently verified by any media organization or analyst. The issues are serious and we should have presented them in a serious and transparent way.”

After they were caught hiring a top flight PR firm to engage in an anonymous smear campaign.  It’s almost like the private sector parallel of the President they support. Openness, honesty and transparency for all – except me!  It’s still the Gilded Age for these information railroad robber barons and it’s time for a trustbuster.

Don’t anyone be offended when I start de-friending you.  I’m not hating the players, I’m hating the game.


Aw, cute insights from kids!


Isn’t little Billy cute? Remember when we were young and we heard pithy thought-provoking statements for the first time? Gosh, we had no idea how shopworn those statements were but we repeated them because they were so clever?

Then as we grew up we realized that “visualizing world peace” really didn’t mean much of anything. Well I hope Billy can hold onto his wide-eyed wonder as long as he can but I also hope he matures and doesn’t continue to espouse these same witticisms into middle age. That would be just embarrassing.

A Man and His Camera Phone

Some signs just annoy me. Not sure why.

Is this the ironic 40? Maybe it’s scare quotes. You know how those “40” year olds are…

Is this supposed to reassure me? It’s like the no “firearms beyond this point” sign I saw at a post office. You brought the gun this far, odds are you’re in for the haul. The sign won’t cut it.
However, if the sign also said, “but you, our customer, should consider doing so as well”, then maybe it could be seen as a bit more friendly.

Is this a riddle? Tell me O Great Sphinx of the Department of Parking and Revenue. If I don’t park for two hours, do I attain immortality?

Because I’m All About Compromise Up In H’yere

So we can’t see OBL’s splodeydome because it would inflame the LGF comments threads, the  goatbuggering Arab Sodomy Fields Street.

How about if we had him in an open casket funeral provided that the closed half was covered by an American flag?  Or, maybe if we dressed his corpse up in women’s panties and threw it on top of a big  pile of Abu Ghraib prisoners with Lindy’s dangling cigarette hanging over him?

Since neither photos of flag-draped coffins or prisoner abuse concerned Obama with international backlash, or threats to our troops and ambassadors abroad, this would have seemed like a safe compromise.

And then, in accordance with Islamic practice, we could have strapped a bomb to his remains and tossed him in a Beslan schoolhouse.

/Because of 16 hours of rawmuscleglutular and courageously gritty sleep deliberation!