Why Won’t The Internet Stop Masturbating Me?

You’ve got to rove Arrec Bawrin.  Sure, it’s been several decades since Glengarry Glen Ross, but he’s still the closer.  Are you interested???  I know you are:

Which brings me to Anthony Weiner.

The Internet, as I understand it, is best for sharing information, ideas and even feelings. We send our thoughts and feelings, our very spirit, over the airwaves, with astounding velocity. At times, as human beings, we want to attach the body to the feelings, as well. Photos of ourselves and loved ones. Pets. The view out our window. The image of a child’s purity.

Barring any further revelations about the underage purity of the children Mr. Weiner of the Incalculable  Certitude, may or may not have spanked his Hebrew National to – that might have been Mr. Barrwin’s most unfortunate turn of phrase in this curiously unsolicited defense of the wanky Weiner.

Photos to find love. To find sex.

My thought on Weiner is that he is a very busy man.

For high functioning men like Weiner and other officials who have lived through such scandals, who are constantly on the go, that leaves one tried and true source of a reliable high. The affirmation that comes when someone lets you know they want to sleep with you. Or even cyber-sleep with you.

“High functioning” weiners, aside the running sexting joke is that no one ever knew if the person on the other end was a hot co-ed or a beefy bear with the keyboard of a slutty angel.

One busy gentlemen may feel a bit betrayed if he comes home from his busy day at work to find his missus jilling off to a tattooed, unemployed construction worker who’s milking the coconuts to his veiny palm tree on the other end of the Skype connection.  Much less half a dozen construction workers.

Who can say?  Working for Hillary Clinton might be a walk in the park.  A park fraught with flashers in trenchcoats.  Or the ever-gracious  frotteurs on the subway who, above all others, understand how pressed for time you are.

This is sex for many people now. No time for Mateus and cheap spaghetti. No time for slowly moving toward one another with a combination of hope and caution, lust and integrity. One can push a button and get something beyond porn. Porn is essentially two dimensional. One sees and hears. Internet sexting can be perceived as three dimensional by adding the component of “feel”, regardless of how cheap and unearned those feelings are. That person on the screen is doing whatever they’re doing… just for you.

Is this a defense or a confessional?

We tell ourselves that these devices help us communicate more effectively. What they actually do is allow us to bypass the person lying right next to us, across the room from us or at an airport heading home to us, in order to meet our immediate, even inconvenient, needs. To bypass their moods, their current view of us and their own desires, or lack thereof.

Weiner is a modern human being. So he ensnared himself in things that modern humans do. When I first heard about his problems, I snickered and made jokes, too. Now, I’m sad for him, his family, his district and his colleagues.

Let he who is without sin…

So only the atheists should be allowed to criticize Weiner by Barwin’s standard.  Preferably ones who aren’t so modern or busy.  Lazy Luddites who are fapping in the ways of our forefathers.

Through all of this, there is an unreasonable assumption that Weiner only played Hide The Salami with himself and throughout his engagement and marriage that he never indulged in an extra-marital affair.  He’s earned it, right?

Running a self-styled gauntlet of leftarded bimbos and pornstars stands he, Integritous Masturbatus.

An undeserved presumption of innocence for someone who played fast and loose with anyone on Twitter who paid him a compliment.

Damn you, sexy Internet.  I’m a married man!  And oh so busy.

 

2 comments on “Why Won’t The Internet Stop Masturbating Me?

  1. Without going into a long exortation on the origins, uses and practices of the internet (and, believe me, I COULD do such a thing), I have but one point to make. Step back into the 18th century (or before), when people wrote love letters and letters of affection and friendship between themselves. IF such a document fell into the “wrong, misunderstanding” hands, it could spell ruination for a political career, military career, marriage, community reputation, perhaps even custody of minor children.

    It doesn’t take much to become “that Hamilton woman.” Since human biology hasn’t changed much in the last couple of million years (oh, we dress and smell better, but that means we realized we need to because . . . our biology hasn’t changed much!), and that impacts the social of society and human interaction, one must be wary, whether on the Internet or talking loud enough to be overheard by a reporter, that one’s reputation is always exposed and “on the line.” I guess society hasn’t changed that much, either.

  2. I wouldn’t say that. If you look back at he election of 1828, Rachel Jackson was exposed to vicious attacks over mere speculation and Andrew Jackson solved every slight with a pistol.

    On the other hand, the Internet has given birth to billions of William Randolph Hearst whose lust for scandal can produce the same result to people both public and private.

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