Month: September 2011

America’s Gone Soft-Serve

From the President of the International Union of Projectionists Against America:

Mr. Obama, in an interview with WESH-TV in Orlando, said his administration has been tough on the country’s trading partners and tried to strengthen U.S. manufacturing.

“This is a great great country that had gotten a little soft and we didn’t have that same competitive edge that we needed over the last couple of decades,” Mr. Obama said in response to a question about the country’s economic future. “We need to get back on track.”

Nothing 99 weeks of unemployment and taxpayer funded payoffs to those svelte union workers can’t fix.

Not to worry when you know Obama’s working his fingers to the cone for you.

You ole softie.


Of Electoral Prickteases, Chris Christie and Otherwise

For Jabba’s sake will you people leave this poor man alone?  He doesn’t want to run for President.  Or for fitness.  He doesn’t have any fire in his belly.  Or vegetables.

TRENTON— A top Republican said Wednesday that Gov. Chris Christie really is not running for president, even as political commentators began to use sexual imagery to discuss Christie flirting with the possibility.

That’s going to be a hard image to shake.

Lawrence E. Bathgate II of Lakewood, who has led fundraising for three presidents and a presidential nominee, said that after a series of high-level telephone calls, he is convinced that Christie is not headed into the GOP primaries for president.

“I heard him say that he wasn’t running last night. Everything I know, and everyone I’ve talked to — and it doesn’t get much closer than the people on the plane with him — say he’s not running,” Bathgate said in an interview.

Yes, it’s cheap taking shots at Christie.  To be fair, I’ll take cheap shots at Sarah Palin shortly.  But when he starts holding court about foreign policy – don’t start talking about exceptionalism and why we don’t have any but that you’re not going to do anything about it.  Are people on the right so hard up for a candidate that they’ve turned chubby chaser?

Same with Sarah Palin.  Go sell your books.  Go raise your kids.  Three and a half years of “I’m running / I’m not sure I’m running” blue balls are enough for me thank you very little.  Quit dry humping conservatives for attention.  My leg can’t take it anymore.

Spin The Wheel, Raggedy Man

Having my many creative thoughts for raising money for local charities rocked down by legal counsel, I was left wondering what to make of this redline from Drudge regarding $3 entry fees to have dinner with Obama and holding a lottery for his clean and articulate company:

The emails from the Barack Obama reelect about winning a dinner with the president as a randomized reward for contributing to the campaign have gotten a bit more intense as time goes on, and the latest one, from the first lady, emphasizes that the winner of such a prize shouldn’t freak out about it.

 “Just relax,” she advises.

Yea.  My “just relax” / “it’s for a good cause” gambit to our sitff lipped counsel didn’t assuage their concerns about violating lottery laws.  After all, there are a wealth of rules and regulations that govern lotteries, raffles, etc..  Take the District of Columbia for example concerning and the Lottery and Charitable Games Control Board including, at the very least, some licensing requirements:


1502.1 Tickets printed for raffles shall include the following:

(a) Name of the licensed organization listed on the license;

(b) Date, time, place, and exact address of the drawing;

(c) Prizes to be awarded;

(d) Aggregate value of the prizes;

(e) Cost of the raffle ticket;

(f) Purpose for which net proceeds will be used;

(g) Statement that the winner need not be present at the drawing to win;

(h) Appropriate odds of winning, assuming all raffle tickets printed are sold; and

(i) The phrase “Licensed by the D.C. Lottery and Charitable Games Control Board.”

1502.2 Tickets shall have pre-printed consecutive numbers and a stub held by the licensed organization listing the name, address, and phone number of the person purchasing each ticket. This stub shall be used in the raffle draw.

1502.3 The price to the public of all tickets for any one raffle draw shall be in one fixed amount.

1502.4 Only United States currency or coin shall be accepted by a licensed organization as payment for any raffle ticket.

1502.5 Prior to the license being issued, but subsequent to Board approval of the application, the applicant shall provide a statement from the printer on a form provided by the Board stating the following:

(a) The total number of tickets to be printed;

(b) The first numbered ticket to be printed;

(c) The last numbered ticket to be printed; and

(d) That the tickets were numbered consecutively and that there were no duplications.

1502.6 Prior to the license being issued, but subsequent to Board approval of the application, the applicant shall provide to the Board the printer’s proof of the tickets.
SOURCE: Final Rulemaking published at 35 DCR 3788, 3811 (May 20, 1988).
HISTORICAL NOTE: Prior to May 20, 1988, the D.C. Lottery and Charitable Games Control Board published Final Rulemaking at 29 DCR 5016, 5036 (November 12, 1982).


1503.1 The licensed organization shall guarantee each ticket a fair and equal chance at the draw.


Etc., etc.

Oops.  Maybe they’d rather hold a bake sale except that Moochelle banned those cause of all the chunky little chirrens.

Any lawyers in the house?  Just asking.

Did Pat Robertson Get A Tan?

I don’t know how else to explain such insensitive nonsense:

Mr. Obama on Sunday took a swipe at Texas Governor Rick Perry for his skepticism regarding climate change, pointing to “a governor whose state is on fire denying climate change” as exemplification of the weakness of the Republican presidential field.

“I mean, has anybody been watching the debates lately?” he asked at a campaign fundraiser in California. “You’ve got a governor whose state is on fire denying climate change,” Obama said.

When Pat Robertson blames natural disasters on people not living right according to his definition he’s summarily mocked and disowned from all quarters.

Maybe Pat Robertson isn’t the right example.  Maybe President Fred O’Phelps is more appropriate.  Community agitator stands on the charred remnants of one of the 1500 homes lost with his fluorescent  “Gaia Hates Texans” sign to mock the thousands displaced and hundreds living in shelters.  Like he said to his black folk at the CBC this week, he’s listens to “some of ya’ll” but he’s not the President of “all of ya’ll”.  You  can only keep his inner-Jeremiah Wright down for so long.

This is beyond simply having no class when Obama rejected designating those wildfires a national disaster so many months ago.  But that’s what you get with a liar who acts in bad faith.  When Chicago falls and skins it’s knee he’ll be on Air Force one within the hour to wipe it’s snotty, stuck-up nose.

As I recall, there are some undocumented workers in Texas.  I’m shocked he’s willing to throw those illegal votes away for a laughline at a fundraiser.  And they did laugh.  If two or three Paultardian ghouls cheering the thought of someone dying for not buying health insurance in a crowd of thousands is talkshow fodder for a week then a much higher number taking joy at the billions in damage, lives lost and homes destroyed from a downed powerline and drought are not ghouls how exactly?

Hypocrisy Attaaaaaack Watch:  Via Jake Tapper at ABC –

The White House today added to the president’s criticism the night before of the audiences at Republican presidential debates, chastising the GOP candidates for staying silent in the face of objectionable eruptions by some members of the audience.

At a fundraiser in California on Sunday night, President Obama said of the debates, “You’ve got audiences cheering at the prospect of somebody dying because they don’t have health care and booing a service member in Iraq because they’re gay. That’s not reflective of who we are.”

The boos and applause came from what sounded like less than a handful of individuals, it should be noted.

I assure you – it’s exactly who you punk bitches are.  A couple of Paultard ghouls cheer a “theoretical” death vs. the President of the Goddamned United States of America cracking jokes about actual Americans dying.  Somewhat delightfully, Mr. Tapper reminds:

Earlier this month, Carney refused to condemn Teamsters President Jimmy Hoffa Jr., who called Tea Party members “sons of bitches” at a labor event the president attended.

“I understand that there is a ritual in Washington that, you know, somebody says something and you link the associations and then everybody who has an association with him or her is somehow — has to avow or disavow it,” Carney said, adding that the president wasn’t on stage at the time and “didn’t hear it. … Mr. Hoffa speaks for himself. … The president speaks for himself.”

This ritual is rooted in tribalism I bet.  Now, if House Republicans will just quit being so partisan they can get down to voting on another half a trillion dollars in wasteful spending to some more green energy Enrons and bailout some more signing bonuses for union thug sons of bitches at their failing auto companies.  And Mr. High Minded Centrist stands above it all, committed to working to solve all of our problems he created.





The Tribe Has Spoken

It’s not often that I find myself thinking about Chris Matthews.  Sure as we approach Halloween and I see more straw-haired dummies sitting on bales of hay it happens more often than not.  Or the occasional bout of sciatic pain that results in tingling of the extremities of a distinctly non-political nature.  Sure.  It can happen.

But when I heard about The Obamessiah’s blatant race huckstering to the socialists and Marxist sympathizers at the Congressional Black Caucus, I was indeed reminded of Sissy because of his description of Tea Partiers not so long ago:

Much like mainstream media coverage of this year’s Tea Parties, Matthews and “Hardball” guests Norah O’Donnell and Salon’s Joan Walsh made an issue of how “white” the crowd was at a Palin book signing event in Michigan.

This is a largely white — almost no minorities in this crowd,” reported MSNBC’s O’Donnell live from the scene.

Matthews reiterated, “Well, they look like a white crowd to me,” later claiming, “I think there is a tribal aspect to this thing, in other words, white vs. other people.”


Technically Incorrect: Though both "white" and a Tribe

Ooga booga.  The albino tribe chucking their boomspears towards the skies and their dog-whistling smoke signals codewords.  Terrifyingly patriotic and god fearing at the same time as they took afternoons away from work to protest a black president big government and a black president out of control spending and an unconstitutional power grab by a black president of their healthcare.  In fact, if it was a white president doing all of these things these less than noble savages would have been perfectly fine with it.

Not to distract from the theme, but what am I to make of these race-based crowds gathering to plot to exclude other races from exercising their bigoted franchise?

President Obama’s campaign is developing an aggressive new program to expand support from ethnic minority groups and other traditional Democratic voters as his team studies an increasingly narrow path to victory in next year’s reelection effort.

Operation Vote will function as a large, centralized department in the Chicago campaign office for reaching ethnic, religious and other voter groups. It will coordinate recruitment of an ethnic volunteer base and push out targeted messages online and through the media to groups such as blacks, Hispanics, Jews, women, seniors, young people, gays and Asian Americans.

None dare call it “tribalism” it seems.  Instead of “dogwhistles”, Big Bro “O” can scare up some chain rattles to add some rhetorical umph! to his firepit chats about the slavery to come when the almighty Clock Is Turned Back ™.  The Ghost of Jim Crow should evacuate the bladders of the recipients of his version of voodoo economics in a trail all the way to the voting booth.

Getting Warmer: A Tribe Called Quest


After all, with black nationwide unemployment at a 27 year high and the vicinity of 16.7%, it’s got to be somebody else’s fault other than the guy in the funny headdress because he’s half the same color as you.  Because that’s not racist.  High Economic Priest Timmeh “The Pale Rider” Gheitner can don the ceremonial bone in his nose, stomp his tiny feet, wrench his pencil neck and warn of big falling sky if another Trillion dollars from as-not-yet-written bill isn’t passed immediately, or at least a month from now after Chief’s next much needed double jumbo jet visionquest to the oppressively black Martha’s Vineyard.

Addressing the (ed. – somewhat tribally blacks only) caucus’s annual dinner Saturday night, Obama reeled off more statistics showing how he said his jobs bill would help millions of black Americans. He lamented the community’s steep economic troubles, telling cheering audience members that he needs their help, despite any discouragement they have felt.

“I don’t have time to feel sorry for myself. I don’t have time to complain,” he said. “I am going to press on. I expect all of you to march with me. . . . Stop complaining, stop grumbling, stop crying. We are going to press on.”

He said, “Between all these rounds of golf, I don’t have time to feel sorry for myself.”  He said, “Don’t change Chiefs in midstream”.  And if he just so happens to set back race relations in this country 60 years to win a 2nd term well that’s just the Saltine calling the Townhouse “cracker”.  It sure beats running on his record.

Almost There: I still don't see any marching shoes.

Either way, sewing racial division so that his slavish followers will paypal their EBT cards to him is the quickest way to Make-It-Rain Dance.  Whatever you do Chrissy, don’t refer to this as tribal behavior.


So Whazzap?

It’s been a while. How you been? You still doin’ that stuff you do? Thought so. Me, I’ve been watching the idiots in D.C. fall all over themselves, pretending to come up with ideas that are going to save the economy. Rethuglican or Dim-O-Crack, doesn’t matter. None of them are prepared to do what needs to be done to actually “fix” the economy, because that “fix” would leave them unable to continue robbing from the public coffers, and, let’s face it, they’re all in it for the graft. At some point, you just have to look at the list of GOP “contenders” and COOTUS and say to yourself: We’re just plain-old fucked.

At least we have some comedy with COOTUS bouncing from airport to airport touting his new “jobs bill”. I know he doesn’t mean to be funny, but how can you do anything but laugh at this douche? It helps that he’s been semi-neutered by a limp-wristed GOP House, otherwise, it might not be quite as funny. A little Steyn helps, though.

Not all supporters are content merely to singalong with the prompter-in-chief. In North Carolina, a still-devoted hopeychanger cried out, “I love you!”

“I love you, too,” said the president. “But… .”

Oh, no, here it comes: conditional love. “But, if you love me, you’ve got to help me pass this bill!” You’d be surprised how effective this line is: I tried it on Darlene in the back of my Ford Edsel when I was 17, and we didn’t get home till two in the morning.

Heh. I never had the guts to try that line, but I encourage all you youngsters to give it a shot. What do you have to lose, really?

Pass this bill now, or I’ll say “Pass this bill now!” another two dozen times! With this latest inspiration, Obama has taken the post-modern phase of democratic politics to a whole new level. “Pass this jobs bill”? Simply as a matter of humdrum reality, there is no bill, it won’t “create” any jobs, and it will be paid for with money we don’t have. But the smartest president in history has calculated that, if he says the same four monosyllables over and over, a nonexistent bill to create nonexistent jobs with nonexistent money will be yet another legislative triumph in the grand tradition of his first stimulus (the original Dumb And Dumber to the sequel’s Stimulus And Stimulusser).

That’s how he got elected, isn’t it? Just repeat the same meaningless tripe until it turns into a chant and *bingo*, you’re COOTUS.

This $447 billion does not exist, and even foreigners don’t want to lend it to us. A majority of it will be “electronically created” by the Federal Reserve buying U.S. Treasury debt. Don’t worry, it’s not like “printing money”: we leave that to primitive basket-cases like Zimbabwe. This is more like one of those Nigerian email schemes, in which a prominent public official promises you a large sum of money in return for your bank account details. In the case of Ben Bernanke and Timothy Geithner, one prominent public official is promising to wire a large sum of money into the account of another prominent public official, which is a wrinkle even the Nigerians might have difficulty selling.

At this point, who is going to loan us a buck or two? Mr. T? I don’t think so.

So, we all sit back, kick our feet up, accept the fact that everything we once assumed about our economy, investments, retirement, etc, no longer applies. In the meantime, go long on ammo and canned goods, baby.

As for me, I’ve found riding bikes with the kids much more rewarding than the blogosphere so cut me some slack. And thanks for checking in Chuck. We’ll still be here until the speech police come and haul us away.

9/11/2001 – Where Were You?

Fox News has a montage of the morning’s events in chronological order.

Please drop us a comment sharing where you were, what you were doing and how you felt that September morning.

I was at my desk in a shared workspace. A co-worker came in and announced that a plane hit the World Trade Center. In the era of the 24 hour news cycle, it was interesting but just another happening. It had the same impact on me as hearing there was a 4.5 earthquake in California. So I mumbled something about it and returned to my work.

Then the second plane hit.

The chill of realizing that something intentional was going on. Most of us in the office headed up to the break room to see the news. CNN was on and the crappy TV was fuzzy. Twenty or so people were all standing under the set straining to get whatever information we could.

From that point on, it was nearly impossible to work. Suddenly, the computer program I was writing seemed very trivial and I was trying to get any news websites to load.

My moment of actual terror happened when the Pentagon was hit. It was then that I wondered how many more planes? How many more targets? Will planes fall all over the country?

This was bin Laden’s momentary victory. One I’m very pleased to say was fleeting as American resolve drove him from Tora Bora.

In no way can my experience compare to the tragic loss of life for those who were on the ground or in the buildings or rushing in to save lives.

So while we’re away…

… please enjoy this. Especially for you fans of Lord of the Rings. Watch closely for dialog from the upcoming Hobbit movie starting at about 2:00.

A little background, Mike O’Brien is an SNL writer who hosts a bizarre webcast called “Seven Minutes in Heaven”. If you’re weird like me, you may find yourself watching all his videos.