Blissfully Unaware

I remember before September 11th.  It wasn’t that long ago.  Airport lines were shorter.  Not necessarily pleasant but they didn’t involve a prostate exam by a person selling nude body scans of you on the Internet.

What I remember most was the feeling the morning before everyone knew.  The not having to care as much.  The enemy is over there.  Sure, we all have to worry about the criminals among us but the truly damaging threats are somewhere on the other side of a sea.

It’s why North Korea bothers me so much now:

The photos appeared in the state-run Rodong newspaper and were apparently taken at an “emergency meeting” early on Friday morning. They show Kim signing the order for North Korea’s strategic rocket forces to be on standby to fire at US targets, the paper said, with large-scale maps and diagrams in the background.

Move along.  Nothing to see here, right?  Just more Bellicose Rhetoric ™ from a young dictator wannabe trying to show his military experience is what they keep telling us.   Obama’s in Charge!  What could possibly go wrong with such a experienced statesman like that at the helm?

Let’s just poo-poo these comments and see the continuation of Clintonian State Departmentalizing.  We’ll say his comments are “unhelpful”.  Maybe when the rockets are fueled and you see the blood-raging in his eyes you can upgrade them to “deeply concerning”.

“He finally signed the plan on technical preparations of strategic rockets, ordering them to be on standby to fire so that they may strike any time the US mainland, its military bases in the operational theatres in the Pacific, including Hawaii and Guam, and those in South Korea,” the state-run KCNA news agency reported.

Huh?  Wuh?  I’m sorry.  I wasn’t paying attention.  The family’s coming over Easter and I’ve been busy with trying to do my taxes.  I got this new tablet and you won’t believe all the crazy shit it does.

Kim “convened an urgent operation meeting” of senior generals just after midnight, signed a rocket preparation plan and ordered his forces on standby to strike the U.S. mainland, South Korea, Guam and Hawaii, state media reported.

How long are you suppoesd to thaw a turkey?  I’m probably just going to get a ham from Honeybaked or something.  I’m sure we don’t have enough chairs.  It would be easier if we just went out.  And cheaper too.  Nashville is growing so much.  We’re absolutely certain that we’re the next big thing.  So many new places to choose from in Midtown and The Gulch and all the right people are moving here.

Kim said “the time has come to settle accounts with the U.S. imperialists in view of the prevailing situation,” according to a report by the North’s official Korean Central News Agency.

Later Friday at the main square in Pyongyang, tens of thousands of North Koreans turned out for a 90-minute mass rally in support of Kim’s call to arms. Men and women, many of them in olive drab uniforms, stood in arrow-straight lines, fists raised as they chanted, “Death to the U.S. imperialists.” Placards in the plaza bore harsh words for South Korea as well, including, “Let’s rip the puppet traitors to death!”

Now, to the untrained eye, this type of thing is just what they do over there.  Little children that they are.  Banging their highchairs for attention.  Pat them on the head.  Tell everyone to calm down and quit being so sensitive.  We went from being the World’s Policeman to the World’s Wet Nurse in five short years.  In another three we’re going to be it’s bitch.

Experts believe the country is years away from developing nuclear-tipped missiles that could strike the United States. Many say they’ve also seen no evidence that Pyongyang has long-range missiles that can hit the U.S. mainland.

Lucky for us – experts are never wrong.  It’s not like Little Un has painted himself into a corner here that if he doesn’t do something that he’s going to look incredibly weak.

So where are we? What changes if:

A nuclear missile flies and gets shot down by an iron dome rocket.  Do we call that a mulligan and schedule tea with the Ambassador?

A nuclear missile flies and misses its target.  Another mulligan?

A nuclear missile flies and it hits an ally, a US territory or our mainland.  Then what?

What changes?  The world, chico.  The world.

You can almost see the Army manuals being written now.  When your transgendered platoon leader conducts door-to-door introductions with environmentally and ethnically sensitive gift baskets you should introduce yourself with your head bowed so as not to offend.

As on that same morning before the crisis, we remain unprepared and unwilling to acknowledge the threat in our faces.  It’s over there somewhere.

WASHINGTON (Reuters) – Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel *shudder* said on Thursday that North Korea‘s provocative actions and belligerent tone had “ratcheted up the danger” on the Korean peninsula, but he denied that the United States had aggravated the situation by flying stealth bombers to the region.

We have to take seriously every provocative, bellicose word and action that this new young leader has taken so far” since coming to power, Hagel told a Pentagon news conference, referring to Kim Jong-un.

Ah, yes.  The “young” leader.  Good thing he’s not a woman.  She’d probably just be on her period or something.  The U.S. has to take North Korea seriously.  At least we have to say we do.  Else we lose the optics.  Perhaps we can push through some gun control legislation because of this.  Or maybe some gay marriage bills.    Or perhaps some more laserlike focus on Priorty Numero Uno – Yobs!  You know the problem that’s solved already.

I don’t know about ya’ll but I am taking my money out of the bank.  Remember, we financed two wars we didn’t need on a credit card so they say.  How do you think they’re going to pay for the one they are going to let happen to us?  Get Alec Baldwin to transfer our balances to a new, low-interest rate Capital One Card?

Come to think of it – what am I worried about money for?  An arsonist is fleeing the scene of the shithouse moments before it goes up in flames.  Sure he’s in a 600 ton bulletproof limousine that doesn’t run on diesel and if Trayvon had a father it would probably look like him but that is somebody else’s problem.  Hopefully Austin, Texas.

And the money?  I never missed what I never had.  I can leave it in my 401k and the Dow will jump 200 points once the first missile lands.  Now, about that turkey.

From the Wayback Machine:

Slack Ops

On Wii, Ennui: Will Obama be able to finish 18 holes in time to hold the 38th parallel?

Use pitch, draw and don’t forget SPIN to turn what is traditionally a lazy, rich man’s pastime into your foreign policy legacy.

Realistic gameplay lets you be the POTUS. When North Korea launches a sneak attack on an ally’s civilians, you are forced to reckon with 18 Holes to avert Nuclear Holocaust starting off with a brutal par 5 where you must negotiate a harrowing sand trap after the first dog leg.  If we can’t get back to the clubhouse by nightfall, a tersely worded letter to the U.N. won’t get drafted in time!

So Real Even Your Ratings Will Plummet: Use the crowd control feature to whip-up or settle down a fawning press corps.  Camo’d cameo announcers Chris Mathews, Andrea Mitchell, Katie Couric and Brian Williams report from the rough (terrain of their New York /D.C.studios) to give you the play-by-play commentary and your Wii controller’s leg adapter unleashes our patented vibrating Tingle ™ Technology.  Don’t get distracted by how awesome you are. You’ve still got to compose that meeting request with your Cabinet so you can draft that letter!

Unlock hidden missions! It’s a game inside of the game.  After being rebuffed from Chinese diplomats, you are forced to enter into a deadly game of pick-up basketball.  Will Robert Gibbs get picked last?    Use Obama’s natural tendency to bow as you reach in to steal the ball and hog it until the shot clock runs down.  You only have minutes left before you can draft that text message to your assistant so she can schedule that meeting request with your Cabinet and hold a quorum on that letter you were thinking about writing when everybody was still mad about that thing that happened – before The Final Buzzer.