The Pollutico ran this tragic headline today in consideration of the late, almost-too-incredibly great Beau Biden heroically imploring his stroke victim monkey of a father to bet what’s left of his bananas on a presidential run:
Exclusive: Biden himself leaked word of his son’s dying wish
The vice president is mourning. He’s also calculating.
How many fingers and toes does that take?
I don’t mean to belittle the tragedy of the loss of Joe Biden’s only son.
Wait? Are you telling me Biden has two other kids who are both grown adults?
One who made news for about five minutes after Biden was elected VP after a youtube video surfaced of her riding more rails of cocaine than CSX has, er rails, and another one who Biden pulled strings to get him in the Navy when he was fucking 42 years old and who, this exact time last year, wait for it…..was kicked out of said US Navy for testing positive for cocaine.
Hunter Biden, who is married with three kids, issued a statement Thursday evening through his lawyer, saying: “It was the honor of my life to serve in the US Navy, and I deeply regret and am embarrassed that my actions led to my administrative discharge. I respect the Navy’s decision. With the love and support of my family, I’m moving forward.”
Biden was commissioned in the Navy Reserves in 2012 as an Ensign and was pursuing a public affairs track. He had to get a waiver because of his age at the time of his commissioning.
Way to polish that turd. “It was the honor of my life”. Being dishonorably discharged.
Oh. You didn’t hear about that? No one remembers it? No one remembers the media harping on the Vice President pulling strings to get his deadbeat, cokehead son a spot in the Navy when he was 42 so he could get kicked out for cocaine when he was 44?
This might not be as big a deal if you weren’t, oh…I dunno, the dickhead who claims to have coined the term “Drug Czar” and promoted laws that have destroyed the lives of millions while covering up for your shitstain of a family for doing the exact same thing. Liberals are always so big to shout “Hypocrisy!” except when they’re being the biggest hypocrites of all time.
Listen to Beau, Joe. Using your Sixth – maybe even your Seventh Sense. The one who didn’t get caught doing the cocaine he was he was probably doing.
Something tells me that Beau’s insightful and inspiring communique from before the Great Beyond is the “Heaven Is Real” of the campaign season. Sort of like Roosevelt’s “Fireside Chats” except that the fireside is in Hell.
Future excerpts from The Continuing Adventures of the Ghost of Beau Biden:
And before he gasped his last breath, he pulled me in close and whispered, “We need to pass sensible gun control laws…everyone’s already onboard. You just have to have the courage to fight the terrorists at the NRA. I would have wanted it that way.”
Beau: *cough*, *cough*. Dad?!? Dad???? Are you still there?
Joe: *sniffs* I’m still here, son. I’ll always be here.
Beau: I know, Dad. You’ve always been there for me.
Joe: I know I have.
Beau: One more thing.
Joe: Anything, son. Just name it.
Beau: *cough* It’s important that newspapers and tv shows quit allowing climate denialists equal time on the air. *cough*
Joe: Hey, Nurse Ratchet. Bring that sweet ass back in here. Your titties make me want to stand on my hind legs and beg for buttermilk.
Beau: Dad??? Are you still with me??
Joe: Of course, son.
Beau: Hold my hand.
Joe: *rubs his upper thigh*
Beau: I don’t have much time.
Joe: You’ve got to hold on, son.
Beau: I had a vision. A premonition.
Joe: Are you sure you didn’t get into Hunter and Ashley’s cocaine again?
Beau: No. They hid it from me. *cough*, *cough*
Joe: What is it, son?
Beau: Like some ancient mystic, I saw the night sky littered with stars. As I panned down, I saw a teepee and a signal issuing from the embers of an eternal fire…
Joe: You always did have the soul of a poet.
Beau: Then, Elizabeth Warren came out of the teepee with a 21 point plan to tackle income inequality. Go with her, Dad. Be with her.
Joe: I won’t let you down, son!
Joe: *abruptly jumps up and his foot trips over the life support cord before he runs out of the room*
Joe: Stops at the first vending machine he sees and starts digging through his pocket for a dollar to buy some Skittles.