Month: June 2016

No Terrorist Prick Can Pop The Media Bias Cherry

The far left Washington Post dared to stare into the navel of darkness. A phone call from Mujahideen Mateen in the middle of his queer killing rampage.

The shock hits the Ace Reporter like a letter to the editor he doesn’t agree with. He’s taken aback. His safe space in the newsroom had its pretty panties yanked down over the phone, and what happened next – only a licensed otolaryngologist or speech pathologist will ever know:

And he was speaking it very quickly. And that is when I said to him, ‘Sir. Please. Speak in English, please.’”

“I did it for ISIS,” the caller said, according to Gentili, “I did it for the Islamic State.”

Clearly confused by Madeen’s admission of being an ISIS supporting jihadi, the audial rorschach of his keenly honed journalistic training took over:

Ace Reporter: Sir, I don’t understand. Did you say you’re a Trump loving, gayhating, Christian bigot?

The gentle refugee, seemingly more incensed in a fit a righteous rightwing rage continued…

Mateen: In shallah, with Allah as my witness, we are taking the fight to the great Satan America, and I have hostages in the bathroom of the club Pulse.

Ace Reporter:. Let me write this down…you plan on making America great again by locking the LGBT community out of a public bathroom. Is that what this is about?

Mateen:. For fuck’s sake, are you listening to me? My father is an inspiration and who has spoken with John Kerry and Charles Rangel personally about becoming the rightful president of Afghanistan and I am going to take my MCX rifle and exact divine justice on the amyl popping infidels!

Ace Reporter: You said Trump’s speech in Florida inspired you to buy a fully automatic AR-15 machine gun because of same sex bathrooms?

Mateen:. Are you using a Boost Mobile or some shit? I’m going to hang up and kill these fucking ankle grabbing rump rangers now. Your time will come.


And with that, my ear cried in awareness of the diversity being silenced by the consequence of Republican intolerance. Another AR-15, the deadliest, most high powered weapon conceived, weapon of choice that was only meant for the battlefield was in the hands of another bitter clinging NRA supporter.

If I had something to pray to, I’d do it. Hopefully, a cop not beating an innocent, unarmed African-American bound for college could use his gun to persuade this wayward son of climate change refugees out of the Faux News echo chamber of homphobic hate.

Or, an offering to Gaia to balm the feelings of shame I feel as an American college graduate, at all those Christian bakers cheering in the streets for cakes not being delivered to same sex marriage ceremonies. Now their ovens of hate will stay as cold as their bigoted hearts. As cold…as the graves.

It Starts With An “F” and Ends With a “t”

Always addressing his most urgent presidential duties, Ayatollah Obama The Pious counsels his vaginally afflicted constituents with another round of confusing doublespeak:

Fresh off endorsing a woman to succeed him in the Oval Office, President Barack Obama stood before 5,000 convened as part of a White House summit on women and delivered his most robustly feminist speech yet.

“I may be a little grayer than I was eight years ago,” Obama told the advocates. “But this is what a feminist looks like.”

It may start with an “f” and end with a “t” but “feminist” was not the first word that came to mind as to what you look like, oh, Mad(emoiselle) Mullah.

Ayatollah Obama The Pious

In case anyone missed it, Ayatollah Obama the Pious held a bitter, angry press conference today because he was mad he was being forced to say “radical Islam”. Ayatollah Obama – the ultimate arbiter of what is and what isn’t Islam.

In it, he showed more flashes of anger than he did at his fellow Muzzloid that killed 50 of his fellow gays. And still, you see which one he sided with.

You can’t defeat what you’re afraid to call by it’s name. The disease of Islam that infects the civilized world from the podium of The White House.

Orlando Gay Nightclub Absorbs Islamic Terrorism Attack

Thanks for taking one for the team. And let’s not overreact, ok?

We likely have hundreds of thousands of Islamic radicals in the U.S. who have overstayed their visas, snuck across the border, imported as “refugees” of climate change, or just lied their way through our intentionally broken screening process – and they haven’t attacked our amoral country yet. An acceptable level of exceptions perhaps.

Nothing to worry your pretty, little head over.

But America puts that hunky Brawny paper towel man to shame with our absorption rate and Orlando Police and EMTs are the quicker picker uppers this weekend.

Let me break down the media narrative for how this is going to go.

1) Pretend that it was white, christian, ambiguously named “domestic terrorism” until reality can no longer be denied.

2) Once Islamic terrorism is established, humanize the murderer as having a hard life and who may have had legitimate grievances against our country for some perceived injustice.

3) Call the terrorist a “US citizen” to explain away that he is a Muslim who was either born here from refugees or was navigated through aforementioned broken screening procedures. Also, to muddy the waters and confuse LIVs as to who was responsible again.

4) Make this about “gun violence” and our wholly inadequate way to keep firearms out of the hands of people who our government was wholly inadequate in keeping out of the country in the first goddamn place.

5) Assiduously avoid blaming Obama, the Department of Homeland Security, the FBI, or any of our other government employees who are monitoring everyone’s cellphones and bank records but, yet, can never arrest these kinds of people in advance even when their file has more red flags than a Moscow military parade.