Family members of suspected Mall of America stabber Dahir Adan say he “may have been radicalised” following several trips to a local iPhone store.
It has been alleged that Adan was enraged after waiting in a queue for 45 minutes while store employees at the Genius Bar completed their devotional “daily download” followed by a recital of the Namu Myoho Renge Kyo chanted westerly to Cupertino, California.
“Can I get some service?!?”, an incredulous Adan pleaded in pants that clearly did not go with his shirt and didn’t look like they even cost $50 altogether before throwing his hands up in the air and storming out of the store.
It has been speculated by some national security officials that Apple Stores, in general, have led to increased violence or rather impotent threats of violence against baristas, yoga instructors, and life coaches in lone wolf attacks across the U.S.
Investigators say the restrictive and exclusive culture at Apple attracts millions of unemployed or underemployed youths who have little opportunities to purchase their increasingly expensive products in order to maintain the appearance of a lifestyle that they can’t afford.
We asked one customer outside of the Hennepin Avenue Apple Store in Minneapolis if they have ever seen evidence that Apple Stores are leading hotbeds of extremist activity and were startled by their response.
“So I go to the Apple Store and this Dumb Bitch who works at Apple tells me that what’s wrong with my phone is that the quote unquote “Battery” (using air quotes) is trying to run a lot of apps. This dumb bitch is trying to bullshit someone who has a computer science degree. Hashtag Fail!”
Yet another young bearded milling about was eager to share his verbal Yelp review upon hearing our call for customer feedback:
“I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate this place!”, screamed Alex S. of St. Cloud. “These “geniuses” (using air quotes) are a joke and I had to have my macbook fixed five times because the previous “genius” (using air quotes) screwed it up. I’m going to take this awesome Buck knife that I got on Amazon Prime and has like 362 five star reviews and stab everyone I see with it. Who’s the genius now?”