Two Girls And A Couplet

Does Spanx make straitjackets?

If not, I have an investment opportunity I’d like to discuss offline with interested entrepreneurs.

I know this is late in coming given the ongoing efforts to clean up the snail trail that Hillary holdouts slimed all over the country last weekend.

But can we say it? These were bitches that bought plane and bus tickets in advance of Hillary’s coronation and couldn’t get their deposits back.

One in particular stood tall above all the others. First among equals. A brave face that should be carved into the stony stretchmarks of Mount Thrushmore.

In honor of Ashley Judd’s meritorious service in illustrating what a complete bunch of whacked-out-of-their-gourds, loopy cunts her and her supporters were/are/forever will be…I present her with the coveted Red Vag of Courage. May it itch eternally in that big Back Alley Abortion Clinic in the sky:

“My name is Ashley Judd and I am a feminist. And I want to say hello to Independence Avenue in the back, all the way down to 17th Street, and I bring you words from Nina Donovan, a 19-year-old in Middle, Tennessee. She has given me the privilege of telling you what she has to say:

“I am a nasty woman. I’m as nasty as a man who looks like he bathes in Cheetos dust. A man whose words are a distract to America. Electoral college-sanctioned, hate-speech contaminating this national anthem. I’m not as nasty as Confederate flags being tattooed across my city. Maybe the South actually is going to rise again. Maybe for some it never really fell. Blacks are still in shackles and graves, just for being black. Slavery has been reinterpreted as the prison system in front of people who see melanin as animal skin. I am not as nasty as a swastika painted on a pride flag, and I didn’t know devils could be resurrected but I feel Hitler in these streets. A mustache traded for a toupee. Nazis renamed the Cabinet Electoral Conversion Therapy, the new gas chambers shaming the gay out of America, turning rainbows into suicide. I am not as nasty as racism, fraud, conflict of interest, homophobia, sexual assault, transphobia, white supremacy, misogyny, ignorance, white privilege … your daughter being your favorite sex symbol, like your wet dreams infused with your own genes. Yeah, I’m a nasty woman — a loud, vulgar, proud woman.

This is kind of funny because it sounds like the speech Anna Farris gave in The House Bunny when she was trying to sound smart on a date. Plus, Rainbow Suicide sounds like a cool band name.

I’ve never heard the phrase “animal skin” before to refer to those of an African-American tint but life may have been different down on the $6mm, 485 acre Franklin plantation she used to share with her ex-husband before he got sick of her walking around in period pants and raising hell about sales tax on Tampax.

“I am not nasty like the combo of Trump and Pence being served up to me in my voting booths. I’m nasty like the battles my grandmothers fought to get me into that voting booth. I’m nasty like the fight for wage equality. Scarlett Johansson, why were the female actors paid less than half of what the male actors earned last year. See, even when we do go into higher paying jobs our wages are still cut with blades sharpened by testosterone. Why is the work of a black woman and a hispanic woman worth only 63 and 54 cents of a white man’s privileged daughter? This is not a feminist myth. This is inequality. So we are not here to be debunked. We are here to be respected. We are here to be nasty.

Well, that wasn’t so nasty…

“I am nasty like my bloodstains on my bed sheets. We don’t actually choose if and when to have our periods. Believe me if we could some of us would. We do not like throwing away our favorite pairs of underpants.

Oh, now you getting nasty.

Tell me, why are pads and tampons still taxed when Viagra and Rogaine are not? Is your erection really more than protecting the sacred messy part of my womanhood? Is the bloodstain on my jeans more embarrassing than the thinning of your hair?

Umm, no but you can’t generally can’t contract a communicable disease through thinning hair unless Loneliness is a disease.

“I know it is hard to look at your own entitlement and privilege. You may be afraid of the truth. I am unafraid to be honest. It may sound petty bringing up a few extra cents. It adds up to the pile of change I have yet to see in my country. I can’t see. My eyes are too busy praying to my feet hoping you don’t mistake eye contact for wanting physical contact. Half my life I have been zipping up my smile hoping you don’t think I want to unzip your jeans. I am unafraid to be nasty because I am nasty like Susan, Elizabeth, Eleanor, Amelia, Rosa, Gloria, Condoleezza, Sonia, Malala, Michelle, Hillary!

“And our pussies ain’t for grabbing. They’re for reminding you that our walls are stronger than America’s ever will be.

Thank you for that visual and I’ll alert the Grand Canyon of a situation. But who is going to paint those pussy walls if not some outside contractor of the dick swinging persuasion?

My seed can’t be contained in a vial. It’s stronger than Fort Knox. Unzip your smile and receive a Nasty Man’s wall plaster.

Our pussies are for our pleasure. They are for birthing new generations of filthy, vulgar, nasty, proud, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Sikh, you name it, for new generations of nasty women. So if you a nasty woman, or you love one who is, let me hear you say, hell yeah.

Oh, baby. You is linguaing my franca. And if there’s one thing a nasty woman needs, it be a nasty man.

This is what a schizophrenic talks like. She was about two girls and a couplet away from taking a dump in her hand and rubbing it all over her face.

In smother words, thoroughly entertaining to me watching this Poon Parade stomping their boots in this randy gutter. And me a safe remove, without my biohazard tuxedo for all the tampon flinging, pussy hat wearing, and menstrual oversharing.

It’s like svelte, tobacco baroness Vagina Slimes once spat, “You come a long way, bitch.”

Trump should have tweeted to Naomi Judd, “Mama, she’s crazy. Crazy over me.”

And dropped the mic. Which is also phallic in nature.

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