Cavalcade of Whimsy

Terrorism Suspect Radicalized After Visiting iPhone Store

Family members of suspected Mall of America stabber Dahir Adan say he “may have been radicalised” following several trips to a local iPhone store.

It has been alleged that Adan was enraged after waiting in a queue for 45 minutes while store employees at the Genius Bar completed their devotional “daily download” followed by a recital of the Namu Myoho Renge Kyo chanted westerly to Cupertino, California.

“Can I get some service?!?”, an incredulous Adan pleaded in pants that clearly did not go with his shirt and didn’t look like they even cost $50 altogether before throwing his hands up in the air and storming out of the store.

It has been speculated by some national security officials that Apple Stores, in general, have led to increased violence or rather impotent threats of violence against baristas, yoga instructors, and life coaches in lone wolf attacks across the U.S.

Investigators say the restrictive and exclusive culture at Apple attracts millions of unemployed or underemployed youths who have little opportunities to purchase their increasingly expensive products in order to maintain the appearance of a lifestyle that they can’t afford.

We asked one customer outside of the Hennepin Avenue Apple Store in Minneapolis if they have ever seen evidence that Apple Stores are leading hotbeds of extremist activity and were startled by their response.

“So I go to the Apple Store and this Dumb Bitch who works at Apple tells me that what’s wrong with my phone is that the quote unquote “Battery” (using air quotes) is trying to run a lot of apps. This dumb bitch is trying to bullshit someone who has a computer science degree. Hashtag Fail!”

Yet another young bearded milling about was eager to share his verbal Yelp review upon hearing our call for customer feedback:

“I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate this place!”, screamed Alex S. of St. Cloud. “These “geniuses” (using air quotes) are a joke and I had to have my macbook fixed five times because the previous “genius” (using air quotes) screwed it up. I’m going to take this awesome Buck knife that I got on Amazon Prime and has like 362 five star reviews and stab everyone I see with it. Who’s the genius now?”

Colin Kaepernick Is The Cat Stevens Of The NFL

The transition was really so subtle that I didn’t notice Islamic Rage Boy’s face peaking out of that 49er helmet.

Ooh, baby baby it’s a white world:

It’s been three years since I started 5 and 2,
You say you want to trade me to somewhere new,
And it’s breaking my heart to be leaving,
Taqiyya deceiving.
But since I’m gonna leave I’ll clear the air,
Hope Blaine Gabbert won’t follow me there,
St. Louis sure sounds nice this time of year.

Ooh baby baby it’s a white world,
It’s hard to get by on a hunnit million when you’re black.
Ooh baby baby it’s a white world.
I can feel Roger Goodell’s whip upon my back.
(more…)

Hillary Clinton: Greatest Interior Designer Since 2009

Give credit where credit is due.

She took a drab, grey State Department and turned it into a luxurious Lincoln Bedroom.

Prostituting the State Department isn’t a sly joke—it’s unethical, it’s a national disgrace and it’s probably criminal. It will take a special prosecutor to evaluate the criminality because the Obama Administration is culturally and ethically incapable of conducting an investigation. Attorney General Loretta Lynch is totally compromised by the Clintons. The late June 2016 meeting in Phoenix between Lynch and Bill Clinton followed by FBI Director Comey’s sell out of the law proved that.

Insert picture of Markie Post jumping up and down on a flaming Benghazi consulate here.

Batts Fails Drug Test And $50,000 Goes Up In Smoke

Earlier this week, I made the following suggestion regarding what the prosecutors in the Batts case should do following the funeral for his daughter that he killed:

An exit note for prosecutors: Drug test Batts tomorrow and find him in violation of the terms of his bond.

$50k down the toilet.

From my lips to God’s ears.

HENDERSONVILLE, Tenn. – A father accused of shooting and killing his 11-year-old daughter has failed a drug test after bonding out of jail.

The District Attorney confirmed Friday Timothy Batts failed a drug test that he took on Monday. Batts tested positive for benzoylecgonie, the compound tested for to discover cocaine use.

There were numerous flower arrangements at the funeral talking about how Angel Timea was “flyin’ high”. Looks like she wasn’t the only one.

After the judge cut Batts’ $1 million bond in half to $500,000, he also instated multiple stipulations for when Batts bonded out. One of those was that Batts would be on supervised bond and would have to pass a drug test.

The judge had also said Batts could not pick up any new charges or he would be sent back to jail.

While this is encouraging and smart that the prosecutors sought the test, the same spineless Judge James Hunter that cut his bail in the first place is unlikely to have grown vertebrae in the week since he made himself a eunuch in front of racist mob waving a change.org petition.

Should the judge not extend another serving of black privilege to Mr. Batts, that $50,000 his bigoted, delusional supporters raised is burnt up like so much freebase.

I’ll make another prediction while I’m here. The lunatics at Mt. Zion Baptist and Batts’ pastors will demand that he be given yet another chance because how could he not be expected to get high before going to his daughter’s funeral and spending $50k to get out of jail. They are so personally invested at this point that he could kill all of his kids and they’d still be holding poetry slams and twerkfests at Limelight in his honor.

If he was already Cashville’s Greatest Dad after killing one kid, killing all of them should put him in the hall of fame.

There is nothing Christian about these people. Just racists hiding behind a bible and fleecing the desperate for their ducats.

He’s the untouchable St. Timothy after all. Executing God’s will one little girl at a time.

Hey Revvum Uncle Elder Starnes, is this “a tragedy or a transition” back to the penal colony? Scumbag.

Exit Thoughts: Have the police entertained the notion that Batts may have been on drugs at the time of the shooting? One simply does not start using cocaine out of nowhere much less have access like this at the ready.

What is certain is that all of his supporters either didn’t know about his drug use or did know and don’t care. For all the talk about how he started going to church and made a U-turn in his life, it seems it was more of a roundabout. And the only leaf he turned over was made out of cocoa.

All of this comes full circle on the motive of the shooting. Was it a paranoia induced accident or was there something that he didn’t want his daughter talking about.

And who was he on the phone talking to prior to the shooting?

The truth will come out. Unfortunately, Batts’ church folk will try to hinder the truth coming out as much as possible because they’ll look like fools, corrupt, or worse.

And one more parting shot for our local media. This is an international level story now. From my observations, only the Tennessean sent a reporter to cover the funeral. I’ve seen more coverage in the UK than at WKRN, WSMV, or the Nashville Scene.

You all are really giving Batts, his family, and his churches the kid gloves treatment here. Why? Is it the same reason why the judge cut his bail in half? Because that’s my guess. You don’t want to ask anyone any tough questions or make them answer anything about the facts that have refuted his flimsy alibi because he’s black and you’re scared.

It Came From E-Bay: Bear-Curious

While looking up vintage lunchboxes on E-Bay, because nothing important is going on, I couldn’t help but be mesmerized by how acceptable boy on bear sodomy was in the good ole days:

I cannot imagine any mother slathering mayo on a bologna sandwich and handing this to their kid in the 1960s but that was probably the perfect time. A simpler time. A time when Mom could pack up enough meat to satisfy appetites of man or beast inside of a 10″ x 10″ container. Mind you, this didn’t raise an eyebrow with Marketing, Aladdin Industries, the retailer, or the US Fish and Wildlife Service.

Against the backdrop of The Civil Rights Act, Vietnam, Woodstock, and The Summer of Love, a lonely country boy struggles with his bear-curious feelings and a forbidden love that dare not speak its name over a thermos of warm milk and a Ding Dong if you were lucky.


I thought we were just “friends”

A far different tale than the hardcore scenes that ultimately led to the cancellation of Grizzly Adams.

Like Blazing Saddles, they couldn’t make this show today.

Zoe For Prison #Impeach Zoe, #ZoeForPrison

The lawlessness of Ayatollah Obama’s era may be coming to an end but there’s always another one waiting to take his place. In fact, anyone who has passed by a YMCA has probably seen it:

Zoe For President: New Candidate Announces Her Run for Commander in Chief In 2064

YMCA of the USA organizes Zoe for President, symbolizing the potential the Y sees in all children

CHICAGO, Feb. 25, 2016 /PRNewswire-USNewswire/ — Today, YMCA of the USA (Y-USA) launched Zoe for President, a campaign to elect a one-year-old girl as our nation’s Commander in Chief…in 2064. The campaign highlights the potential the Y sees in all kids to grow up and change the world if they’re nurtured properly and supported along the way. Through Y initiatives like childcare, academic enrichment, mentorship, college prep, job training, and more, kids have the opportunities to succeed, grow, and one day, maybe even become president. The Y aims to impart the values of what it means to achieve—how hard work, determination, perseverance and character can drive someone to success beyond what they thought possible.

We don’t need any more unqualified community organizers coming out of Chicago promising tomorrow’s red diapershitting Leftists easy answers, womb to tomb government largesse, and sentencing the next generation to sharecrop their debt slavery on America’s college plantations.

“While Zoe for President is a breath of fresh air during a heated campaign cycle, every child, regardless of background, needs support and guidance to reach their full potential,” said Kevin Washington, president and CEO, YMCA of the USA. “Our campaign will address actual issues that America’s communities are faced with each day like access to early childhood education, safe space, meal assistance, and the Y’s role in solving the challenges head on.”

The FEC needs to put a stop to this madness immediately. The YMCA is a “non-profit” and this blatant electioneering is a violation of current campaign finance law sas well as issue advocacy PACs that are not allowed to endorse a particular candidate.

None of this speaks to the character of Zoe herself or even if she knows if she’s a he or she or a it yet. They’ve never held a job in the private sector. Never signed a paycheck or hired an employee! Always looking for a hand out.

And a recent National Enquirer story quoted Roger Stone as saying that Zoe does, in fact, have cooties and sleeps around on the kindergarten mats of both boys and girls in zher homeroom. I’m not saying I have any information that that is true. We’re just asking questions and the American people need to know the answer if you’re going to be trusted with the highest high chair in the world.

The only button she’s qualified to put her finger on is on a Bumpy Ball.

It’s all fun and games until the YMCA and the YWCA merge into the YLBTGQCA and demand that our tax dollars fund unisex bathrooms and that bakers will have to provide gluten free granola bars to same sex intramural volleyball teams against their religion.

Zoe has been, is, and will forever be unfit for command. When the 3 AM phone call comes, she will have already been asleep for 9 hours and will probably wet the bed.

WTW Weekend: Great Moments In White Trash Advertising

Picasso famously said that lesser artists borrow and that great artists steal. As I pulled up behind a company van in morning traffic, I was reminded of that. So what to make of this local company’s logo?

There’s something so familiar about that. I can’t quite put my fing..oh, wait:

It’s a blued up version of the Enron symbol:

Nothing says “trust us” with your electrical needs like shamelessly stealing the logo of a disgraced energy concern that was once the largest bankruptcy in the history of the country and led to one of the most destructive pieces of accounting legislation (Sarbanes-Oxley) in history.

But fret not. This isn’t the second coming of Enron, it’s Enron squared!

Next up, Manson Family Brand Pork Sausages. Every morning that starts off with “Death to the Pigs” is going to be a great day. #BLM approved.

Lady Vols Not Ladyboys

I saw this riding on a car’s bumper the other day and had to do a double-take.

From the Department of Unfortunate Cross-branding:


I knew UT had a recent brouhaha over wanting to fine, expel, and genitally mutilate students before sending them to re-education camps for not calling he/she/its by some new pronouns they invented five minutes ago but this?

It’s too insidious. They’re the Lady Vols not the Ladyboys. Cameltoes not camel’s nose.

We don’t want to know that your Ford F-150 secretly wants to be a convertible Mazda Miata or that your automatic Audi TT would rather be a stick. Maybe you get off on teasing those cisgenders at Pep Boys with your shocks and struts. But the only one who should know if you’ve blown a tranny should be your mechanic.

Come on, people. Pick a side.

Six Meat Facebook Sirloin Tip Of The Day

Maybe it’s the holiday weekend, I just don’t know, but I feel the need to offer this bit of unsolicited social media advice to no one in particular:

When you post on Facebook or wherever how happy you are with your husband, wife, family, blah, blah, blah – we all know that means that you just had a fight and are teetering on the edge of breaking up or getting a divorce. That this public professing of your undying, altruistic love and spiritual fulfillment somehow masks that you know your significant other monitors your Facebook postings and friends like a jealous hawk.

But that this highly public declaration will soothe and balm the nerves of whatever just happened. I assure you – it does not and now we all know. The more over-the-top the declaration, the sooner the separation. It would have to be with such ham-fisted attempts to manipulate.

Please stop. Both volunteering to lie to others and yourself. Keep your shit tight and work it out in private. Nothing ever gets better by inviting the world into your own personal problems.

You’re welcome.

Marilyn Manson Attacked In South Korea

He’s looking a lot paler and fatter than I remember:

Manson was coming fresh off his “father and son” photo shoot with Paper Magazine and in anticipation of his new split EP with the Diesel Queens called “Trailer Meth and Dead Baby Bowling Balls”.

Just kidding. That’s our Ambassador to South Korea. Because having our Ambassadors attacked and/or killed in sympathetic countries is evidently a thing now that we have Smart Diplomacy on the case.

We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Silence…

… for a resurrection of sorts. Happy new year all you fine people.

I’ve been meaning to get the Buffet moved to a new webhost for about a year now and since the bill was coming due on the old one, money talks.

Anyhoo, this site will be changing as I tweak the design, and I’ll be doing it right in front of your face because I’m reckless like that. I’m sure you’re distracted anyway, what with the new season of American Idol and everything else you’ve got going on. Brian and Cranky are still around and you’ll see a lot of Cranky in the Twitter sidebar to the right so you should be following him if you’re not already.

Stand by for more maddening madcap madness.

You Were All Like, And Now You’re All Like

Probably the funniest thing you’ll read today unless you check in at I Own The World on the regular:

7 Things Democrats Would Have Freaked Out About If Bush Had Done Them

Obama’s national security policy has continued some of the most controversial moves of the Bush administration. Silence from much of the left.

It’s almost like they’re all liars teeming with fake, manufactured, holier-than-you outrage or something with an “ends justify the means” view of using power towards trashing the Constitution like they’re not going to be adversely impacted by it.

Come for the hair-pulling, teeth gnashing .gifs, stay for the duplicitous, pantshitting hypocrites in the comments thread.  Talk about stumbling upon the Holy Grail.  I think that guy just described Obama’s first term in office.

Who Is Going To Protect Me From All This Cocaine?

It’s the Pester Over The Sequester!  The Tut-tut after the spending cut.  In the eternal search for the lightning in the silver cloud of the so-called Sequester, the Democommie chicken littles mistakenly garner support for ever greater budget cutbacks:

Warnings are also growing that the spending cuts will open the floodgates for more illicit drugs reaching U.S. soil. At a hearing last week before the House Armed Services Committee, Southern Command chief Marine Gen. John Kelly said sequestration means he could end up without critical air and water surveillance to monitor for cocaine trafficking.

“If I lose those assets, if they go to zero — and there are some that are predicting they will go to zero — then all of that cocaine, all of it, will get ashore, and more, I would predict, would get ashore and be on the streets of New York and Boston and Portland, Maine,” Kelly said.

Funny.  I never wanted to move to New York, Boston or Portland, Maine before.

Did anyone ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe cocaine is what this nation needs to get it off the fucking couch and back to work?  To paraphrase Ned Flanders’ father, I understand that “we’ve tried nothing and we’re all out of ideas” to make the turd of this economy swirl backwards up the bowl but I say it’s time to take a more unconventional approach.

Liquidate our nation’s evidence rooms and provide a free eightball once a week for a job well done.  Or at least done enthusiastically half-assed.

Why, some cocaine users even go on to become Presid…..eh.  Scratch that.

CORRECTION:  We’re just going to call it “Undocumented” Cocaine.  Then it’s not illegal anymore when it sneaks across the border and does the job that no American unemployment check will do.

 

The Horror: People Are Eating Each Other At The Superdome

Well, the power’s been out for like 30 minutes and as we all know that means the city of New Orleans is on the verge of cannibalism and wanton rape.  I know I speak for Randall Robinson when I say that my hands are shaking as I write this.

People are eating other, even little babies, on the field of the Superdome.

It is reported that black hurricane victims Super Bowl attendees in New Orleans have begun eating corpses to survive. 15 minutes after the the big screen tv went out, thousands of blacks in New Orleans the Superdome are dying like dogs. No-one has come to help them.

I am a sixty-four year old African-American.

New Orleans marks the end of the America I strove for.

I am hopeless. I am sad. I am angry against my country for doing nothing when it mattered.

This is what we have come to. This defining watershed moment in America’s racial history. For all the world to witness. For those who’ve been caused to listen for a lifetime to America’s ceaseless hollow bleats about democracy…….
…..My hand shakes with anger as I write. I, the formerly un-jaundiced human rights advocate, have finally come to see my country for what it really is. A monstrous fraud.

But what can I do but write about how I feel. How millions, black like me, must feel at this, the lowest moment in my country’s story.

Me too.  I’ve never seen anything like this.  Ray Lewis just took a bite out a baby and spiked it’s remains in the end zone.  It’s madness I say.  Madness.

Fresh Out Of BabyFresh out of baby.

BABYEATING UPDATE:  Aaaaaaand.  The power’s back on.  Boy, are a lot of people embarrassed.  Other than the part about cannibalism, the entire rest of this post is completely accurate*.

Unmaking The Daily Beast With Two Hairy Backs

Ewww fish

Breitbart has the steaming poop on the recent departure of the Daily Beast’s resident amateur gynecologist:

According to a credible source with inside knowledge of the matter, the actual  reason Andrew Sullivan and the Daily Beast are parting ways at the end of this month has nothing to do with some high-falutin’ “duty to try and see if we could help break some new ground” and “pioneer” a “solid future for web journalism.” According to this source, who spoke exclusively with Breitbart News, the powers that be at the Daily Beast decided the traffic Sullivan’s Daily Dish delivered just wasn’t worth the price of holding on to him for another year.

Admittedly, you couldn’t help but notice the hairline cracks in this relationship turning into deep fissures.  Some of you may have seen it coming but I averted my eyes a long time ago.

Another mystery our source may have cleared up is why Beast proprietor, Tina Brown, would allow Sullivan to stay on a full month after announcing a decision to leave. Allowing Sullivan a full month’s perch on her site to raise money for his own operation makes more sense in a situation where it was her decision to part ways, not his.

You can’t blame Sullivan for putting the best face possible on the situation. But he’s also someone who frequently writes about the special relationship he has with his readers. You would think, then, that he would trust them more with the full story, especially when he’s asking for money.

I believe it is customary to leave it on the nightstand.

With all the serious stuff going on in the world I know this tale of woe is scraping the bottom of the barrel but I just couldn’t resist.

At the end of the day, this is all Tina Brown’s dumbass fault anyway.  When you mess with the Raw Muscles you get the glutes.