Cavalcade of Whimsy

Marilyn Manson Attacked In South Korea

He’s looking a lot paler and fatter than I remember:

Manson was coming fresh off his “father and son” photo shoot with Paper Magazine and in anticipation of his new split EP with the Diesel Queens called “Trailer Meth and Dead Baby Bowling Balls”.

Just kidding. That’s our Ambassador to South Korea. Because having our Ambassadors attacked and/or killed in sympathetic countries is evidently a thing now that we have Smart Diplomacy on the case.

We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Silence…

… for a resurrection of sorts. Happy new year all you fine people.

I’ve been meaning to get the Buffet moved to a new webhost for about a year now and since the bill was coming due on the old one, money talks.

Anyhoo, this site will be changing as I tweak the design, and I’ll be doing it right in front of your face because I’m reckless like that. I’m sure you’re distracted anyway, what with the new season of American Idol and everything else you’ve got going on. Brian and Cranky are still around and you’ll see a lot of Cranky in the Twitter sidebar to the right so you should be following him if you’re not already.

Stand by for more maddening madcap madness.

You Were All Like, And Now You’re All Like

Probably the funniest thing you’ll read today unless you check in at I Own The World on the regular:

7 Things Democrats Would Have Freaked Out About If Bush Had Done Them

Obama’s national security policy has continued some of the most controversial moves of the Bush administration. Silence from much of the left.

It’s almost like they’re all liars teeming with fake, manufactured, holier-than-you outrage or something with an “ends justify the means” view of using power towards trashing the Constitution like they’re not going to be adversely impacted by it.

Come for the hair-pulling, teeth gnashing .gifs, stay for the duplicitous, pantshitting hypocrites in the comments thread.  Talk about stumbling upon the Holy Grail.  I think that guy just described Obama’s first term in office.

Who Is Going To Protect Me From All This Cocaine?

It’s the Pester Over The Sequester!  The Tut-tut after the spending cut.  In the eternal search for the lightning in the silver cloud of the so-called Sequester, the Democommie chicken littles mistakenly garner support for ever greater budget cutbacks:

Warnings are also growing that the spending cuts will open the floodgates for more illicit drugs reaching U.S. soil. At a hearing last week before the House Armed Services Committee, Southern Command chief Marine Gen. John Kelly said sequestration means he could end up without critical air and water surveillance to monitor for cocaine trafficking.

“If I lose those assets, if they go to zero — and there are some that are predicting they will go to zero — then all of that cocaine, all of it, will get ashore, and more, I would predict, would get ashore and be on the streets of New York and Boston and Portland, Maine,” Kelly said.

Funny.  I never wanted to move to New York, Boston or Portland, Maine before.

Did anyone ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe cocaine is what this nation needs to get it off the fucking couch and back to work?  To paraphrase Ned Flanders’ father, I understand that “we’ve tried nothing and we’re all out of ideas” to make the turd of this economy swirl backwards up the bowl but I say it’s time to take a more unconventional approach.

Liquidate our nation’s evidence rooms and provide a free eightball once a week for a job well done.  Or at least done enthusiastically half-assed.

Why, some cocaine users even go on to become Presid…..eh.  Scratch that.

CORRECTION:  We’re just going to call it “Undocumented” Cocaine.  Then it’s not illegal anymore when it sneaks across the border and does the job that no American unemployment check will do.

 

The Horror: People Are Eating Each Other At The Superdome

Well, the power’s been out for like 30 minutes and as we all know that means the city of New Orleans is on the verge of cannibalism and wanton rape.  I know I speak for Randall Robinson when I say that my hands are shaking as I write this.

People are eating other, even little babies, on the field of the Superdome.

It is reported that black hurricane victims Super Bowl attendees in New Orleans have begun eating corpses to survive. 15 minutes after the the big screen tv went out, thousands of blacks in New Orleans the Superdome are dying like dogs. No-one has come to help them.

I am a sixty-four year old African-American.

New Orleans marks the end of the America I strove for.

I am hopeless. I am sad. I am angry against my country for doing nothing when it mattered.

This is what we have come to. This defining watershed moment in America’s racial history. For all the world to witness. For those who’ve been caused to listen for a lifetime to America’s ceaseless hollow bleats about democracy…….
…..My hand shakes with anger as I write. I, the formerly un-jaundiced human rights advocate, have finally come to see my country for what it really is. A monstrous fraud.

But what can I do but write about how I feel. How millions, black like me, must feel at this, the lowest moment in my country’s story.

Me too.  I’ve never seen anything like this.  Ray Lewis just took a bite out a baby and spiked it’s remains in the end zone.  It’s madness I say.  Madness.

Fresh Out Of BabyFresh out of baby.

BABYEATING UPDATE:  Aaaaaaand.  The power’s back on.  Boy, are a lot of people embarrassed.  Other than the part about cannibalism, the entire rest of this post is completely accurate*.

Unmaking The Daily Beast With Two Hairy Backs

Ewww fish

Breitbart has the steaming poop on the recent departure of the Daily Beast’s resident amateur gynecologist:

According to a credible source with inside knowledge of the matter, the actual  reason Andrew Sullivan and the Daily Beast are parting ways at the end of this month has nothing to do with some high-falutin’ “duty to try and see if we could help break some new ground” and “pioneer” a “solid future for web journalism.” According to this source, who spoke exclusively with Breitbart News, the powers that be at the Daily Beast decided the traffic Sullivan’s Daily Dish delivered just wasn’t worth the price of holding on to him for another year.

Admittedly, you couldn’t help but notice the hairline cracks in this relationship turning into deep fissures.  Some of you may have seen it coming but I averted my eyes a long time ago.

Another mystery our source may have cleared up is why Beast proprietor, Tina Brown, would allow Sullivan to stay on a full month after announcing a decision to leave. Allowing Sullivan a full month’s perch on her site to raise money for his own operation makes more sense in a situation where it was her decision to part ways, not his.

You can’t blame Sullivan for putting the best face possible on the situation. But he’s also someone who frequently writes about the special relationship he has with his readers. You would think, then, that he would trust them more with the full story, especially when he’s asking for money.

I believe it is customary to leave it on the nightstand.

With all the serious stuff going on in the world I know this tale of woe is scraping the bottom of the barrel but I just couldn’t resist.

At the end of the day, this is all Tina Brown’s dumbass fault anyway.  When you mess with the Raw Muscles you get the glutes.

Time Magazine Names Adam Lanza Person Of The Year

Sure he’s late to the party and kept to himself.  Mostly.

But there’s no denying that Lanza is Time’s gender neutral “Person” of the Year.

The competition was already murder.  Between Mohammed Morsi, Kim Jong-Un, Sandra Fluke, The Undocumented American – it wasn’t the quantity of people killed but the quality.

What this lanky, saucer eyed mass murderer has done is greater than any Arab Spring.  He’s ushered in the American Fall and the movement to repeal the 2nd Amendment to the United States Constitution.   Many great progressives died on that battlefield of non-gunshot related injuries but it took one brave, differently abled young man to succeed where so many others failed.  With each round he pumped into those elementary school children, our hearts skipped a beat and swelled with pride.  His gun may have been in those cherubic faces but his name was on everyone’s tongue.

What’s he doing??? What’s he wearing??? Ya know?  What makes him tick?  Was his mother a drunk redneck who got what she deserved?

Like watching a young child learn to ride a bicycle, the smile on our faces grew as we watched our own country maturing before our eyes in realization that gun ownership is just plain wrong.  Even hardcore rightwing Republicans like Joe Scarborough and Michael Bloomberg or avid Democrat hunters like Joe Manchin could not deny the tidal wave of change – statistics be damned.

The usual rapid fire NRA put it’s guns in the ground and observed a weeklong silence in agreement that they were totally responsible for what happened.

The sacrifice those kids made for the good of the nation is greater than any fingerpaint or prom they were going to attend.  With each little coffin being delivered to the funeral home we clinked our champagne glasses and toasted Adam Lanza. After all, you can’t make a firearm outlawing omelet without gunning down a few 29th trimester fetuses.  To be certain, we washed the champagne down with bittersweet tears.

No other candidate could even come close to having such a positive impact on our world while making us completely re-evaluate our longheld position on homeschooling.

On behalf of the entire Mainstream Media Complex, we’d like to extend our highest honor to Adam Lanza.  Time Magazine’s Person of the Year.

Cheers,

The Time Magazine Editorial Board

Shots Fired At The Intersection of First and Second

In the beginning, there was the word.  That’s usually what starts most violent confrontations.  Words can be used for good or evil.  Likewise with firearms.  Papers you would like to keep secure.  Protections from incriminating yourself.  And so on.

But what happens when one or more of those constitutional rights collide at the same time?

The f**knuts from Westboro Baptist seem determined to find out:

As families mourn the lives that were cut short in this unspeakable horror, an extremist group has announced they plan to congregate at the scene of the tragedy and offer praise to God for ‘executing his judgement’ – an unthinkable act amidst the sorrow overwhelming the quiet town.

If only words had a five day waiting period so that the Department of Education could run a background search to be certain that the free speaker did not harbor ill intent with his assault vocabulary.  Words with four, sometimes even five syllables.  High capacity locquacity. Nobody needs to carry around that type of firepower in every day conversation.

Nobody in their right mind anyway.  Loners maybe.  The kind of quiet nerds who learn words that they put in suicide letters.

Were that fully automatic flapping gums more tightly regulated, neither the offender or offended ever need know the root of their mtual animus.  Limit dictionaries to under 10,000 words.  If you need more than that then apply for a Class-3 toastmaster’s license.

A gun is such a clumsy weapon.  You shoot it towards someone’s stupid body and icky stuff runs out until they don’t talk anymore.  Words on the other hand…well-aimed words do the same thing internally.  And high-capacity assault words are the worst.  If spat rapidly enough and in the right grouping they can break your heart and wrench your guts.  Possibly forcing you to drink and drive or maybe even shoot yourself.   Don’t tell me words are less lethal.

For the safety of all involved, I hope that President Obama will show the same fortitude he did against the Youtube director of that anti-Muslim film towards the Westboro travelling choad show.   Come on, Barry.  Does somebody have to burn down an embassy to get some attention around here?

This calls for meaningful action regardless of the politics.

Presidential Debate Liveblog: Round 2 – Electric Waterloo

Come on in and take your pants off.  I’d hate for you not to fit in.

It’s been almost five years since I’ve liveblogged a CNN debate.  As some may recall, that’s when the once and future formidable Six Meat Buffet started uncovering all of the plants, erm, “undecided voters” that CNN and Anderson Cooper selected to ambush Republicans during their primary in a bid that ultimately helped them to get their preferred candidate McCain the nomination.

Well, I’m scotchguarding the tips of my workboots in anticipation of the asskicking Candy Crowley already deserves for making this debate about her.  She thinks she’s a woman evidently and this somehow makes her moderating this debate some kind of historic event moreso than Martha Raddatz in the first debate.  Truly a historic night for overweight, snaggletoothed jackyls everywhere.

I’m sure CNN has learned their lesson since the Republican Party hasn’t.  Why they are allowing them to host this with a moderator who has openly expressed contempt for their ticket must be because they’re working their usual Three Dimensional Star Trek Chess that has given us Bob Dole, John McCain and their secret desire to bring Dan Quayle back to the national stage.  Come to think of it…they do have a death wish don’t they?

So, Milquetoast Mitt is going into the Lion’s Den.  A liberal network and a liberal “journalist” in front of a liberal New York “townhall”.  Gird your loins for prepared attack lines that will be shoehorned into wildly inappropriate moments within!

Soledad O’Brien is trying to say that CNN has somehow found 82 undecided voters in New York state that are being sequestered from reporters.  This is from the people who flew in a gay “undecided” ex-military man to ambush Republicans with a gays in the military question when he was a longtime Hillary supporter.  But they found 82 honest ones this time.  Uh-huh.

According to the braintrust of David Gergen and Gloria Borger, Hillary Clinton has displayed so much class during this Benghazi mea culpa that Mitt Romney and Obama can’t compare with the high standard of public service she has set by “taking responsibility”.  Ummm, is she resigning?  Is someone being fired?  What is the punishment for this international clusterfark?

She said “I take responsibility” while laughing.  I guess that settles it!  Dead ambassador.  Dead Seals.  No investigation.  No autopsy.  The White House blamed a video in front of the world to distract from their failed foreign policy that allowed us to arm al Qaeda in Libya.  All is well!

And we’re ready to kick it off.  Black is usually slimming but Candy Crowley is already proving naysayers wrong.

1st Question:  How are we going to help this awkward young man get a job after he graduates from college?

Surprise!  Obama’s going to give everybody a green job!

And the attacks begin.

Candy cuts Mitt off from responding to a bunch of Obama lies right out of the gate.

Question 2:  How do you get gas prices down contrary to what Steven Chu has stated?

Obama leads off with a bunch of garbage about how we need green jobs and how oil gets it’s blackness from him because he’s so pro-oil.

Romney is starting to hit back but not hard enough.

Obama gets a response and happy days are here again.  We’re saving more money than ever.  And just look at all of the fuel efficient cars we’re exporting!?! Apparently, we can’t look at the price of gas.  If you like $4.00 a gallon gas.  You’re going to love $9 a gallon gas.

Ahh…the return of Big Bird.  Battle of Little Big Chickenshit.

Not a confirmation here.  Katherine Fenton in New York.  Asking about equal pay for women.  I have a spelling difference here but there is a Catherine Fenton in New York who is a Hillary donor and writes for the leftwing site Truth-Out /Buzzflash demanding that Democrats tell Republicans to fuck themselves.  Is her name misspelled on purpose?  Is Katherine Fenton a common name?  Crowdsource it.

Also, another pro-woman tirade about how Hillary Clinton voted to kill Iraqi children.  The library.

I can’t caveat and qualify that enough but when CNN sequesters alleged “undecideds” and they ask these cliched, loaded questions it bears taking a look at them.

Finally, a question on Libya.  A tough one about who is ultimately responsible for the deaths of those ambassadors to Obama directly who immediately changes the subject to how “we’re going after the bad guys”.  Total liar.

And Romney is on the offensive and closes tough.

Candy jumps in to save Obama with a Hillary saved your ass by taking responsibility excuse.

Then Candy jumps again to claim that Obama said Libya was a terrorist attack on day one.  An utter fucking lie.  The transcript from the White House.

No acts of terror will ever shake the resolve of this great nation, alter that character, or eclipse the light of the values that we stand for.  Today we mourn four more Americans who represent the very best of the United States of America.  We will not waver in our commitment to see that justice is done for this terrible act.  And make no mistake, justice will be done.

The word “terror” appears once in the transcript.  Is an act of terror the same as a planned attack by a terrorist organization?   It does not in any way, shape or form imply that the attack on the US embassy was committed by a terrorist organization.  That it was planned.  That it was anything other than a spontaneous act as a result of being offended by a Youtube video.   There is a controversy about this because they have lied for two weeks about what they’ve known since the beginning – within 24 hours after the event.

Weasel word lawyering.  With Candy Crowley playing judge and declaring him honest.  A Goddamnable Lie. A complete shock.  I know.

Here’s what he said before then in the prior paragraph:

Since our founding, the United States has been a nation that respects all faiths.  We reject all efforts to denigrate the religious beliefs of others.  But there is absolutely no justification to this type of senseless violence.  None.  The world must stand together to unequivocally reject these brutal acts.

“Senseless violence”.  Is a pre-planned terrorist attack senseless?

Now that is implying that this event happened because Muslim’s delicate sensibilities were harmed by the Youtube video.  He is saying that the attack was because of the Youtube video.  Completely clear what he meant.  Candy Crowley is a lying shitbag who colluded with the Obama campaign on that question.

Was she at the ready with statistics for oil drilling permits?  Nope.  She was wrist deep in the cookie jar with a mouthful of chocolate chips at that factcheck time.

It’s not Terrorism.  It’s a “brutal act” because it’s justified by a denigration of their faith.  You lie.

I said to scotchguard my foot.  They needed to scotchguard Chris Mathew’s pants whose boxing analogies about how Obama knocked Romney’s block off and punched him in the face shows that the Pillsbury Blowboy has masculine delusions about a very unpresidential performance.

You are running for President of the United States after all.  Not President of MSNBC.

 

IRS To Begin Offering Free Colonoscopies

Never before has inter-governmental agency cooperation been higher thanks to the incontinent leadership of Vice President Poopy Pants:

During his speech, Biden reminded the audience that some of their Republican friends would distort Obama’s record on Medicare.

“Everyone knows, everyone in this room knows that President Obama has increased the benefits available to people on Medicare by the action he took,” Biden said. “You are now able to go get a wellness exam, and guys, if you conclude you need a colonoscopy because you feel like you have a little too much weight in your wallet then the IRS is more than willing roto-root your pooter.    Or let’s say you need a breast health examination by your’s truly or any one of our highly qualified TSA agents, then you don’t have to pay a co-pay for that.  You’re welcome, America.

Personally, I’m looking forward to the synergistic possibilities of mandatory urine donation for drug screening with it being recycled for offensive anti-Christian art projects.

#CNNFail – Like Watching The Roadrunner On Meth Vs. Wile E. Coyote On Downers

Prime Minister Netanyahu needs to be wearing his white lab coat and pocket protector as he makes his rounds to drop mad science on the D minus students who are  America’s dumbest talking heads:

CNN’s Candy Crowley: What we know is, of course, Iran is allowed under agreements, international agreements, to go ahead and do what it’s doing because there are legitimate peaceful purposes for enriching this uranium

Benjamin Netanyahu: You think so? You think so, Candy? That’s like — let me. It’s not legitimate. This is a country that talks about, denies the Holocaust, promises to wipe out Israel, is engaged in terror throughout the world. It’s like Timothy McVeigh walking into a shop in Oklahoma City and saying, ‘I would like to tend my garden. I’d like to buy some fertilizer.’ ‘How much do you you want?’ ‘I don’t know, 20,000 pounds.’

*Meep* *Meep*.  It’s like watching the Roadrunner on methamphetamine vs Wile E. Coyote on painkillers.  Luckily for Wile E. Crowley, the piano of logic that was dropped from the top floor of CNN’s headquarters to her waiting noggin below won’t be able to penetrate either her or her viewers’ blast door thick craniums.  Like all good cartoons, she’ll just crawl through the mangled ebonies, ivories, wires and splinters to dust herself off none the wiser.

Just for the record, that’s CNN giving the benefit of the doubt to Iran’s intentions on enriching uranium.  The same CNN announcer who will be stacking the deck moderating for a Presidential debate in the next month.

I Blame Bush Hog

 

Secretary of Homeland Sexpottery, Janet “Bush Hog” Incompetano

 This whole story just smells fishy to me:

Looks like the Department of Homeland Security could be renamed the Department of Hyper Sexuality.

A blistering federal discrimination suit accuses agency honcho Janet Napolitano of turning the department into a female-run “frat house” where male staffers were banished to the bathrooms and routinely humiliated.

James Hayes Jr., who now is New York’s top Homeland Security cop, claims Napolitano filled top spots in Washington, D.C., with two of her gal pals who were bent on tormenting male employees.

The suit identified them as Dora Schriro, who is now running the city Department of Correction, and Suzanne Barr, the chief of staff for the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement.

I’d say to throw this incompetent clamlapper in jail but that would only be giving her the chance to live out her Caged Heat fantasy.
Perhaps giving her a beanbag gun and setting her on border patrol duty for the next four years would help her to re-evaluate her “Safer Than We’ve Ever Been” stance.  That and the lifetime ban from Melissa Etheridge concerts.

Barr “moved the entire contents of the offices of three employees, including name plates, computers and telephones, to the men’s bathroom at ICE headquarters,” the suit says.

Barr also stole a male staffer’s BlackBerry and fired off a message to his female supervisor indicating that he “had a crush on [her] and fantasized about her,” Hayes claims.

Sometimes, Barr took a more direct approach. In one case, she called a male colleague in his hotel room and screamed at him using sexually humiliating language, the suit says.

Hayes claims that after he reported the abuse to the Equal Employment Opportunity office, Napolitano launched a series of misconduct investigations against him.

When Obama is evicted from his federally subsidized housing in November, all of Homeland Security and the Justice Department are going to need to be taped off like the crime scenes they are.

From The Department Of Casual Blasphemy

The streets will flow with the blood of the non-believers:

In an interview with CNN’s Don Lemon, director Spike Lee said that the expectations people had for Obama‘s first term were too high, Politico reported Friday.

“He was a savior, black Jesus,” Lee said.

“Look, I don’t care who it was. Expectations were way too high,” he said in an interview that is set to run in its entirety on Saturday.

Well, duh.  Some religions have many gods.  We’ve been so very fortunate for the last four years to suffer under the yoke of a narcissistic manchild who still thinks that he’s all gods rolled into one.

Except Allah, of course.  There is no god but Allah.  And Mohammed is his prophet.

Now who is going to tell the Apostle Press?  The dinner bell for the last Ramadan supper at the White House is ringing.

Thundercats! Ho.

I know I’m slow on this one but this is the only way to shovel it out of the kitty litter in my mind:

The pregnant woman accused of killing another woman during a series of violent shootings in west Louisville last Thursday has been released from the hospital and booked into Louisville Metro Corrections, according to police.

Police say 24-year-old Cheetara Goldsmith left the hospital Thursday afternoon.

Goldsmith allegedly shot Makeba Lee during a double murder investigation. Monday morning, family and friends said goodbye to Lee in a very heavily guarded funeral.

Kitty’s got claws.

I admit to not really following Thundercats.  The idea that you were going to have 4, possibly even 5, cats working together towards a common goal at the same time strained credulity to even my prepubescent after-school viewing schedule.

But the idea of a preggo, murderous Cheetara hunting down the citizenry in a feral rage with a litter of kittens in her belly?  That’s real life.