I know, I know. It depends on the beer. And yes, I know it’s not Wednesday yet but let’s face it – this post has a shelf life of about 5 hours.
Convicted murderer, Philip Workman, is slated to hitch a ride in that big 18-wheeler in the sky at 1 am Wednesday morning for the death of a Memphis policeman while he was in the commission of robbing an area Wendy’s. Seriously. He was going to rob some place and chose a little, 8 year old ginger girl.
As a testament to Workman’s cruelty, I’ll quote from the link above:
On Tuesday, Workman received several visits from friends, family members and a spiritual advisor.
He has also requested, for his last meat, that a vegetarian pizza be delivered for to a homeless person.
A vegetarian pizza to a homeless person? What a sick bastard. Onions make the homeless gassy. He could have ordered two filet mignons, a bowl of lobster bisque, a twice baked potato and a chocolate milkshake delivered to a multi-racial, disabled foster kid, but no. Tell me he hasn’t been hanging out with death penalty opponents for over 25 years.
Presumably, that ghostly semi will be making a pit stop at the Limbo Gas’n’Go to let him see all of the cool trucker hats he will be allowed to try on but not to buy prior to being sodomized for gas money, dropkicked through the back window of the overnight cabin, getting a nasty skin rash as he bounces off the pavement once and landing, taint first, onto one of Satan’s warmer pitchforks.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think Workman killed the cop. He certainly facilitated the murder by his actions. Much in the same way that the Supreme Court is allowing police officers to facilitate needless loss of life with their new high speed chase ruling.
But I’ll be glad to say “I was wrong” if the big faker, Phriend to Phelons, Phil Bredesen is going to let a kind of, sort of innocent man die on his watch. He imposed a 90 day moratorium on executions on the flimsiest of grounds. He’s stood in the way of justice at every turn. It would be the mightiest display of balls this lowly blogger has seen since that old man on the third floor of the downtown Hilton exposed himself to all of Music City Brewfest last year.
Even I’m not cynical enough to believe that Bredesen would let Workman die to further a greater Anti-Death Penalty cause. But I do think that he would milk it for all that it’s worth and wait until the last minute to issue a stay. Feigning some fierce inner morality struggle on a ‘300’-esque scale where the pussies win in the end.
So now we come to the gambling part….
I don’t think Bredesen’s got the balls to let Workman die.
So, who wants to bet on it? Will the state’s deathly bartender serve Workman a clinical Kamikaze or will Philly boy descend the ladder from the Keebler Elf Treehouse, where his diminutive frame lovingly pounds out chocolate chip cookies by the palate, and save him?
My bet is YES. Bredesen will intervene. If Workman is armed robbing the Wendy’s in hell tomorrow morning and you accept this offer – you will be the proud recipient of one free domestic pint redeemable this Sunday at the Broadway Brewhouse in Midtown.
Would a beer quench your irony? The feelings of victory that you won something but at the expense of a dead man. Or the karmic dread that my hard-earned, pro-death penalty ducats will hopefully grease your path to a sweet, merciful DUI.
If Workman is still breathing deeply from the eternally fecal stink of life in prison come tomorrow morning, then you owe me the beer. Simple, no?
Your unmitigated joy will be tempered by the knowledge that my cynicism can predict the future.
I will limit this contest to 7 participants as I try not to drink more than 7 pints at one sitting and Broadway Brewhouse does not place “to go” orders on booze. In the unlikely event of 7 takers and a Smantix win, I will accept remaining payment in the form of foodstuffs from the spicy Mojo kitchen.
Put your money where your mealy, murderer loving mouths are.
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This Little Light of Mine Update: What can I say except that everybody else must have thought Bredesen would have pinned his 4-leaf clover on Workman too. Otherwise, I would be out cash money and spending it on liberals to boot.
Sadly, no one took me up on my offer. Oh well. Tennessee has now officially executed three murderers in the last 47 years. Those three being Robert Glen Coe, Sedley Alley and now Philip Workman. Tell me, what do those three criminals have in common that is at odds with the majority of convicts on the state’s death row?